Seeking drama free advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

[Anonymous]

It’s you…hi
You’re the problem, it’s you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

If you go to someone's home to take advantage of their hospitality the least you can do is make polite conversation. You can't do that, thus you have the problem. Stop going to her home if don't want a relationship. Nobody deserves to be snubbed in their own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

[Anonymous]

What’s the question, again? What is the problem OP is trying to solve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

If you go to someone's home to take advantage of their hospitality the least you can do is make polite conversation. You can't do that, thus you have the problem. Stop going to her home if don't want a relationship. Nobody deserves to be snubbed in their own home.

I did speak to her and we had plenty of pleasant conversations on TG day. I truly am conflict avoiding. But right now, I do not want to speak to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

[Anonymous]

Just pointing out that OP who wants to cut out this sister has already cut out her brother and mother. Sounds like some shared family trauma that she deals with by distance/jailbreak and lack of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

If you go to someone's home to take advantage of their hospitality the least you can do is make polite conversation. You can't do that, thus you have the problem. Stop going to her home if don't want a relationship. Nobody deserves to be snubbed in their own home.

I did speak to her and we had plenty of pleasant conversations on TG day. I truly am conflict avoiding. But right now, I do not want to speak to her.

Four pages later, here it is:
Continue talking to her and avoid conflict
Or
Tell her you don’t want to talk/text with her, be invited to her house or invite her to your house. You only want to communicate via the group text regarding your parent’s care. Have conflict.

You can only choose one. Pick one and have a nice day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just pointing out that OP who wants to cut out this sister has already cut out her brother and mother. Sounds like some shared family trauma that she deals with by distance/jailbreak and lack of empathy.

The mother and the brother post was not me.

[Anonymous]

This is what it sounds like to me.

Your sister cares about you and wants to have a closer relationship than just seeing you at large family gatherings.

You don’t care about her and don’t want to have a relationship, but you don’t want to tell her that. Because not caring about your sister unless there’s a very good reason means some things you’d rather not admit about yourself. You want to keep up family appearances.

You’re being unkind OP. You’ve said several times that you are conflict avoidant. Either do the right thing and tell her, or live with the consequences, what you’re calling “drama”. You should go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

I recognize you may be using "Drama" as shorthand here. But really it just means having honest communication and taking accountability for your choices.

Certainly you could tell your sister, "I do not want to have to interact with you other than when we are at family events, and even then I would like our conversation to be minimal and surface only." It would be completely normal and mature for your sister to then have questions about why that is. You are free to say "It is not up for discussion" or to tell her why.

You just have to be willing to be an honest person who is willing to articulate what they want. If you're not, you just keep doing what you are doing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what it sounds like to me.

Your sister cares about you and wants to have a closer relationship than just seeing you at large family gatherings.

You don’t care about her and don’t want to have a relationship, but you don’t want to tell her that. Because not caring about your sister unless there’s a very good reason means some things you’d rather not admit about yourself. You want to keep up family appearances.

You’re being unkind OP. You’ve said several times that you are conflict avoidant. Either do the right thing and tell her, or live with the consequences, what you’re calling “drama”. You should go to therapy.

What am I supposed to tell her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

Thanks. You were the most helpful to me.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

I recognize you may be using "Drama" as shorthand here. But really it just means having honest communication and taking accountability for your choices.

Certainly you could tell your sister, "I do not want to have to interact with you other than when we are at family events, and even then I would like our conversation to be minimal and surface only." It would be completely normal and mature for your sister to then have questions about why that is. You are free to say "It is not up for discussion" or to tell her why.

You just have to be willing to be an honest person who is willing to articulate what they want. If you're not, you just keep doing what you are doing...