Seeking drama free advice

[Anonymous]

I do not like my sister. She’s not a nice person to me. Another sibling pointed out she’s been envious of me my whole life. I really don’t know the reasons why, I really do not care to know but if I had to guess, it’s because she’s a very insecure person. Besides her career, her life’s choices were not the best, and she compares her life to mine. The reason why I have not shut her completely out of my life is because a parent is still alive and my siblings and I care for them, and my children enjoy visiting my sister. She also hosts family gatherings like this past thanksgiving. I would like to never speak to, see, or hear from ever again one on one. I do not reach out to her or inquire about her to anyone. She’ll call or text me non stop until I get around to replying to her texts or answering her call and I keep the conversation short and to the point. The communication about parent care is in a siblings group chat. This has been going on for the last two plus years, it seems like she doesn’t want to accept the obvious and leave me alone. I am not interested in her, I wish her well but do not care to hear about the details of her life. I do not want drama and have a get out of my life conversation. I can tolerate seeing her during family or holiday gatherings a few times a year. I minimize my interactions with her on those occasions and, as discretely as possible, leave the room and join another person or group of people to talk to when she enters the room I am in. The only light I see at the end of this tunnel is when my children are older and no longer want to invite her to their social gatherings such as birthday parties, and when my parent passes away. I’m really hoping DCUM can tell me there’s another way to fade her out of my life in a drama free way in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

No, there is no way to fade your *sister* out in a drama free way if she is still interested in talking to you. Sounds like she hasn’t noticed anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, there is no way to fade your *sister* out in a drama free way if she is still interested in talking to you. Sounds like she hasn’t noticed anything.

+1. The drama will only escalate because she has no idea that you are trying to fade her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not like my sister. She’s not a nice person to me. Another sibling pointed out she’s been envious of me my whole life. I really don’t know the reasons why, I really do not care to know but if I had to guess, it’s because she’s a very insecure person. Besides her career, her life’s choices were not the best, and she compares her life to mine. The reason why I have not shut her completely out of my life is because a parent is still alive and my siblings and I care for them, and my children enjoy visiting my sister. She also hosts family gatherings like this past thanksgiving. I would like to never speak to, see, or hear from ever again one on one. I do not reach out to her or inquire about her to anyone. She’ll call or text me non stop until I get around to replying to her texts or answering her call and I keep the conversation short and to the point. The communication about parent care is in a siblings group chat. This has been going on for the last two plus years, it seems like she doesn’t want to accept the obvious and leave me alone. I am not interested in her, I wish her well but do not care to hear about the details of her life. I do not want drama and have a get out of my life conversation. I can tolerate seeing her during family or holiday gatherings a few times a year. I minimize my interactions with her on those occasions and, as discretely as possible, leave the room and join another person or group of people to talk to when she enters the room I am in. The only light I see at the end of this tunnel is when my children are older and no longer want to invite her to their social gatherings such as birthday parties, and when my parent passes away. I’m really hoping DCUM can tell me there’s another way to fade her out of my life in a drama free way in the meantime.

Do you not realize that you are creating the drama, not her? You need therapy to help you understand why you are acting the way you are. You cannot change her. You CAN change you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not like my sister. She’s not a nice person to me. Another sibling pointed out she’s been envious of me my whole life. I really don’t know the reasons why, I really do not care to know but if I had to guess, it’s because she’s a very insecure person. Besides her career, her life’s choices were not the best, and she compares her life to mine. The reason why I have not shut her completely out of my life is because a parent is still alive and my siblings and I care for them, and my children enjoy visiting my sister. She also hosts family gatherings like this past thanksgiving. I would like to never speak to, see, or hear from ever again one on one. I do not reach out to her or inquire about her to anyone. She’ll call or text me non stop until I get around to replying to her texts or answering her call and I keep the conversation short and to the point. The communication about parent care is in a siblings group chat. This has been going on for the last two plus years, it seems like she doesn’t want to accept the obvious and leave me alone. I am not interested in her, I wish her well but do not care to hear about the details of her life. I do not want drama and have a get out of my life conversation. I can tolerate seeing her during family or holiday gatherings a few times a year. I minimize my interactions with her on those occasions and, as discretely as possible, leave the room and join another person or group of people to talk to when she enters the room I am in. The only light I see at the end of this tunnel is when my children are older and no longer want to invite her to their social gatherings such as birthday parties, and when my parent passes away. I’m really hoping DCUM can tell me there’s another way to fade her out of my life in a drama free way in the meantime.

OP, seems like this boils down to:

1. There is a person in your life that you do not like to interact with.
2. You have to interact with her because of mutual relationships including taking care of your mother and your kids enjoy being around her.
3. You already do everything you can to minimize the 1:1 communication by only interacting when you have to over phone/text and removing yourself from situations that would require in-person conversation.

Bottom line here, there is nothing left to do. You did it. All you can do is work on what is happening in your own head and how much time you spend thinking about her and letting her bother you.

[Anonymous]

If the parent care is discussed in the group chat, what is she directly texting/calling you about? What are some typical things she will text or call to say?

[Anonymous]

You say she doesn’t want to accept the obvious, but you have not indicated how you’ve made it obvious that you don’t want to interact. Doesn’t seem obvious at all.

[Anonymous]

Op here. All good comments. I appreciate them. I think she thought I went MIA to the family and was surprised to find out at TG I only haven’t reached out to her, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles I have all spoken to. She calls to see how my family and I are doing. How are you? I’m fine. How’s your DH? He’s fine. How are the kids? They’re fine. And I’ll ask about her kids but then I’ve got to go. That’s the convo. We used to have longer conversations and chit chat. I think I’m now feeling this way because I just saw her at TG. It’s been over a year since the last time. It was a good past year.

[Anonymous]

I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

[Anonymous]

OP I have cut my brother out.
He is a criminal narcissist.
Never looked back, my life and my family are way better off without him.

For my mother, it took me til I was 55 approximately again best thing I ever did.

My mother was of the philosophy never cut anyone out child abusers, scammers, grifters, basic run-of-the-mill criminals. Should of cut her off when I left home at 17 shame on me keeping her in my life.

[Anonymous]

Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All good comments. I appreciate them. I think she thought I went MIA to the family and was surprised to find out at TG I only haven’t reached out to her, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles I have all spoken to. She calls to see how my family and I are doing. How are you? I’m fine. How’s your DH? He’s fine. How are the kids? They’re fine. And I’ll ask about her kids but then I’ve got to go. That’s the convo. We used to have longer conversations and chit chat. I think I’m now feeling this way because I just saw her at TG. It’s been over a year since the last time. It was a good past year.

I’m not seeing what the issue is? How is this “not being a nice person” to you? I’m not seeing these comparisons to your life or rude comments. What exactly is the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have cut my brother out.
He is a criminal narcissist.
Never looked back, my life and my family are way better off without him.

For my mother, it took me til I was 55 approximately again best thing I ever did.

My mother was of the philosophy never cut anyone out child abusers, scammers, grifters, basic run-of-the-mill criminals. Should of cut her off when I left home at 17 shame on me keeping her in my life.

Honestly OP you sound like a very cold self centered person with some issues yourself who copes with it by being ice to other people. Maybe your sister had more empathy than you and that’s why she made different life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

[Anonymous]

Op, some suggestions:
I do not like my sister. She’s not a nice person to me ~ this is ok to admit. To yourself. Not to others. Mentioning it to others means YOU are creating drama
Another sibling pointed out she’s been envious of me my whole life ~ you should not be speculating, discussing. You don't know. They don't know. It's just more drama.
I keep the conversation short and to the point ~ this is fine.
It seems like she doesn’t want to accept the obvious and leave me alone ~ too bad. You live with it. You've found a way to manage.