Seeking drama free advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

I recognize you may be using "Drama" as shorthand here. But really it just means having honest communication and taking accountability for your choices.

Certainly you could tell your sister, "I do not want to have to interact with you other than when we are at family events, and even then I would like our conversation to be minimal and surface only." It would be completely normal and mature for your sister to then have questions about why that is. You are free to say "It is not up for discussion" or to tell her why.

You just have to be willing to be an honest person who is willing to articulate what they want. If you're not, you just keep doing what you are doing...

Thanks. You were the most helpful to me

[Anonymous]

OP I do not agree with telling your sister you want to minimize contact. That will definitely cause drama and hurt feeling. I would continue to not answer her texts or her phone calls except when necessary.

Eventually she will get the hint. Also, I am sorry so many posters were so rude to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I do not agree with telling your sister you want to minimize contact. That will definitely cause drama and hurt feeling. I would continue to not answer her texts or her phone calls except when necessary.

Eventually she will get the hint. Also, I am sorry so many posters were so rude to you.

The "hurt feelings" are undoubtedly already occuring.
The "Drama" would just be OP having to face that she is hurting someone's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I do not agree with telling your sister you want to minimize contact. That will definitely cause drama and hurt feeling. I would continue to not answer her texts or her phone calls except when necessary.

Eventually she will get the hint. Also, I am sorry so many posters were so rude to you.

The "hurt feelings" are undoubtedly already occuring.
The "Drama" would just be OP having to face that she is hurting someone's feelings.

WRONG!

There is no drama to be caused by a personal realization.
The hurt feeling by the sister being avoided will definitely by increased 10-fold by a statement from the OP that she doesn't want to interact with the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

I recognize you may be using "Drama" as shorthand here. But really it just means having honest communication and taking accountability for your choices.

Certainly you could tell your sister, "I do not want to have to interact with you other than when we are at family events, and even then I would like our conversation to be minimal and surface only." It would be completely normal and mature for your sister to then have questions about why that is. You are free to say "It is not up for discussion" or to tell her why.

You just have to be willing to be an honest person who is willing to articulate what they want. If you're not, you just keep doing what you are doing...

Thanks. You were the most helpful to me

Um, telling your own well-meaning sister that you do not want to have any but the most superficial contact with her and then refusing to discuss why is not “taking accountability” or not stirring up drama & conflict. Sure you are free to tell her this and then she is free to tell the rest of the family you are a cruel, stuck-up, controlling, self-important, condescending beyotch who thinks too highly of herself to maintain a de minimis relationship with her own less fortunate sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

I recognize you may be using "Drama" as shorthand here. But really it just means having honest communication and taking accountability for your choices.

Certainly you could tell your sister, "I do not want to have to interact with you other than when we are at family events, and even then I would like our conversation to be minimal and surface only." It would be completely normal and mature for your sister to then have questions about why that is. You are free to say "It is not up for discussion" or to tell her why.

You just have to be willing to be an honest person who is willing to articulate what they want. If you're not, you just keep doing what you are doing...

Thanks. You were the most helpful to me

Um, telling your own well-meaning sister that you do not want to have any but the most superficial contact with her and then refusing to discuss why is not “taking accountability” or not stirring up drama & conflict. Sure you are free to tell her this and then she is free to tell the rest of the family you are a cruel, stuck-up, controlling, self-important, condescending beyotch who thinks too highly of herself to maintain a de minimis relationship with her own less fortunate sister.

I'm the PP who made the "Suggestion." I agree that what you suggest would be the fall out. I don't understand OP' perspective or objective at all. BUT, I presented her with the only two options I see: keep up not engaging much, but still doing so at events OR tell her affirmatively that you don't want a relationship with her. OP is already doing the former and it somehow is not generating the result she wants (potentially because sister is a nice well-meaning person who will continue to try to cultivate a relationship) so the only remaining option is the second.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a friend do this to me in college and decades later I still searingly recall the note she wrote firing me from her life. If you do this prepare for it to become family lore and schism and repeated for decades as evidence of who you really are (which is apparently warranted).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a friend do this to me in college and decades later I still searingly recall the note she wrote firing me from her life. If you do this prepare for it to become family lore and schism and repeated for decades as evidence of who you really are (which is apparently warranted).

Are you referring to taking the direct approach? I did not decide which approach I wish to take only that I really only have two options. To speak up or to stay shut.

I realize people are team-sister because I do not wish to disclose what sparked my decision and I am ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t understand how her life choices are affecting you or what she’s doing (besides existing) that bothers you so much.

And your other sibling is a pot-stirrer. Does this sister not envy the other family members, only you? How come everyone else is able to deal with her?

Her existence does not bother me. I wish her nothing but success and happiness as I wish all of mankind. I really don’t want to go down the road of explaining my feelings. I was simply asking how to go about fading her out of my life. If I continue to be consistent with my actions, barring something catastrophic, eventually she should get it. I’m hoping.

I don’t know if she’s envious of other people, I don’t put too much stock in her. But with siblings, there’s a certain ‘access’ of one’s life that there’s not with other people. My family and I are conflict avoiding people. They just let her be. I just don’t want her to be in my life.

It is really hard to help someone if they don't explain a bit more. But, I will say that if you cease to talk or see your sister there will be drama.

I speak to her and see her when I have to. And I guess I feel that I have to for family gatherings. But I do not want to grab a drink with her or eat lunch with her one on one or really speak to her. I guess I am trying to figure out why that would cause drama. She comes to my house and eat my food (which I cook for her separately because of her allergies) and she drinks my wine, and I do so because I am hosting all of my family. But I no longer go to her house and eat her food one on one or invite her to my house if there was not a social event.

So what you are asking is how you can not ever have to speak with your sister, but still attend (and host) family functions with her and not have to have to answer any questions about why you are doing that or not have anybody with hurt feelings or judge you.

The answer is you can't.

Thanks for this. This is the relationship with all of my cousins (don’t speak but see each other during family gatherings) and it has not always been that way but it evolved mutually. And I guess my sister does not want this (which is why she keeps reaching out) and this is why I cannot have that evolution without the drama. But I was hoping I can with time and minimizing contact and was seeking other ways that I can. But maybe there’s no way.

I recognize you may be using "Drama" as shorthand here. But really it just means having honest communication and taking accountability for your choices.

Certainly you could tell your sister, "I do not want to have to interact with you other than when we are at family events, and even then I would like our conversation to be minimal and surface only." It would be completely normal and mature for your sister to then have questions about why that is. You are free to say "It is not up for discussion" or to tell her why.

You just have to be willing to be an honest person who is willing to articulate what they want. If you're not, you just keep doing what you are doing...

Thanks. You were the most helpful to me

Um, telling your own well-meaning sister that you do not want to have any but the most superficial contact with her and then refusing to discuss why is not “taking accountability” or not stirring up drama & conflict. Sure you are free to tell her this and then she is free to tell the rest of the family you are a cruel, stuck-up, controlling, self-important, condescending beyotch who thinks too highly of herself to maintain a de minimis relationship with her own less fortunate sister.

I have maintained a minimal relationship with her. And she is not less fortunate than me.

[Anonymous]

Okay OP, since you don’t want to include what happened to make you decide this, are you going to tell us about the “poor choices” she made that you disapprove of? It’s kind of hard for people to give you appropriate advice without that information. Recognize too that coming here and remaining cryptic is also drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

If you go to someone's home to take advantage of their hospitality the least you can do is make polite conversation. You can't do that, thus you have the problem. Stop going to her home if don't want a relationship. Nobody deserves to be snubbed in their own home.

I did speak to her and we had plenty of pleasant conversations on TG day. I truly am conflict avoiding. But right now, I do not want to speak to her.

OK? So don’t call her.

But here’s what: you can’t expect her to read your signals. Your signal is that you want a relationship with her, because you invite her to family gatherings, and you attend hers. How is she supposed to know that you want holiday-only/gathering-only interactions with her? Is she supposed to have ESP?

So you basically think it’s rude for her to call and ask after you and your family? How is she supposed to know you don’t want that basic level of sibling interaction, when you invite her to your home, and you visit hers?

Hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

If you go to someone's home to take advantage of their hospitality the least you can do is make polite conversation. You can't do that, thus you have the problem. Stop going to her home if don't want a relationship. Nobody deserves to be snubbed in their own home.

I did speak to her and we had plenty of pleasant conversations on TG day. I truly am conflict avoiding. But right now, I do not want to speak to her.

OK? So don’t call her.

But here’s what: you can’t expect her to read your signals. Your signal is that you want a relationship with her, because you invite her to family gatherings, and you attend hers. How is she supposed to know that you want holiday-only/gathering-only interactions with her? Is she supposed to have ESP?

So you basically think it’s rude for her to call and ask after you and your family? How is she supposed to know you don’t want that basic level of sibling interaction, when you invite her to your home, and you visit hers?

Hmm?

After over two years of me minimizing one on one contact and only seeing each other a few times during the year and only in family settings, yes I did expect her to read my signals which is why I posted my original question. What else can I do?

She’s not rude, we don’t have unpleasant conversations, none of that. And to the other PP, her life’s choice has no affect on my life, when she made them or now. The only reason why I brought up she has made poor choices is to explain why she may be envious of me. We are close in age but made very different life’s choices that she lived to regret (her words). But like many resilient people, she made it through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.

I don’t want a personal relationship with her. I do not want to talk about work or inquire about her work. I do not want to talk about my daily life or inquire about her daily life. I do not want to talk about her home renovations or my volunteer work.

I do and would invite her to a family gatherings.

Your poor sister. She graciously invites you to her home and you show up and act like this? Yikes. Your behavior is shockingly rude and ill mannered. What happened to you own life that you would end up this way? Are you getting help?

How did I act? How was I rude and ill mannered?

If you go to someone's home to take advantage of their hospitality the least you can do is make polite conversation. You can't do that, thus you have the problem. Stop going to her home if don't want a relationship. Nobody deserves to be snubbed in their own home.

I did speak to her and we had plenty of pleasant conversations on TG day. I truly am conflict avoiding. But right now, I do not want to speak to her.

OK? So don’t call her.

But here’s what: you can’t expect her to read your signals. Your signal is that you want a relationship with her, because you invite her to family gatherings, and you attend hers. How is she supposed to know that you want holiday-only/gathering-only interactions with her? Is she supposed to have ESP?

So you basically think it’s rude for her to call and ask after you and your family? How is she supposed to know you don’t want that basic level of sibling interaction, when you invite her to your home, and you visit hers?

Hmm?

After over two years of me minimizing one on one contact and only seeing each other a few times during the year and only in family settings, yes I did expect her to read my signals which is why I posted my original question. What else can I do?

She’s not rude, we don’t have unpleasant conversations, none of that. And to the other PP, her life’s choice has no affect on my life, when she made them or now. The only reason why I brought up she has made poor choices is to explain why she may be envious of me. We are close in age but made very different life’s choices that she lived to regret (her words). But like many resilient people, she made it through.

When someone doesn’t “read your signals,” what else can you do? Are you seriously asking this? If a cop at a traffic stop was signaling to you in a way that you do not understand, would you not expect her to approach your car at some point and explain what she wanted you to do or not do? Hmm?

She’s not “reading your signals.” OK. So now you have a choice:
1) Stop with the “signals” nonsense and tell her directly the type of relationship you do and do not want to have, and accept whatever fallout comes from that
2) Indulge a few brief phone calls a year in order to keep the peace for holidays, which apparently you do want to spend together

Was that clear, OP? Did my “signals” come through? Any other questions, or are you going to let this drop? Because for several pages now, basically everyone has agreed that you are the problem. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

You literally stated by saying she wasn’t a nice person to you. Now you are saying she hasn’t done anything to warrant this. So what is the issue, your judgement of her choices that she lived to regret or the fact that your lives are different as a result?