Seeking drama free advice

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound like a conflict-avoiding person. You sound like a very judgmental, unforgiving person who ruthlessly cuts people out of her life for being human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. All good comments. I appreciate them. I think she thought I went MIA to the family and was surprised to find out at TG I only haven’t reached out to her, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles I have all spoken to. She calls to see how my family and I are doing. How are you? I’m fine. How’s your DH? He’s fine. How are the kids? They’re fine. And I’ll ask about her kids but then I’ve got to go. That’s the convo. We used to have longer conversations and chit chat. I think I’m now feeling this way because I just saw her at TG. It’s been over a year since the last time. It was a good past year.

I’m not seeing what the issue is? How is this “not being a nice person” to you? I’m not seeing these comparisons to your life or rude comments. What exactly is the problem?

I was sharing the extent of the past two years conversations.

[Anonymous]

If you choose to stay in touch with her to any degree, for any reason, then you should respond to her messages promptly. You like the control you have when you “get around” to responding, but that’s only going to make things worse. You’re creating “drama” yourself. Own it, and change it.

[Anonymous]

OP what harm is it doing to you? How is she not nice to you? It sounds like she is trying to have a positive relationship despite whatever envy there may be. Maybe it’s for the kids for her too. That’s okay. It’s a minimal relationship on both sides. I’m not sure why that’s so taxing for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound like a conflict-avoiding person. You sound like a very judgmental, unforgiving person who ruthlessly cuts people out of her life for being human.

Why does she have to be in my life? Because she has always been there? I appreciate these comments, but please explain this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound like a conflict-avoiding person. You sound like a very judgmental, unforgiving person who ruthlessly cuts people out of her life for being human.

Why does she have to be in my life? Because she has always been there? I appreciate these comments, but please explain this one.

She is your sister. Are you on the spectrum? It’s normal for families to be in each other’s lives all their lives. What is her story anyway? Is she married? Does she have anyone looking out for her since you, her own sister, clearly are not?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I read stories or read post on here about family members who have strained relations with other family members and have no idea why. I would always call bs. It wasn't until I read this that I actually believe some people.

Op, you haven't mentioned anything that your sister has done wrong. You are angry she asks how you and your family are doing? You claim she is envious of you but I suspect this is imagined.

Cut the cord cut your sister off. Cut off your entire family but don't blame them. This is a you problem. You may need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound like a conflict-avoiding person. You sound like a very judgmental, unforgiving person who ruthlessly cuts people out of her life for being human.

Why does she have to be in my life? Because she has always been there? I appreciate these comments, but please explain this one.

Because it sounds like YOU are the issue. Not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound like a conflict-avoiding person. You sound like a very judgmental, unforgiving person who ruthlessly cuts people out of her life for being human.

Why does she have to be in my life? Because she has always been there? I appreciate these comments, but please explain this one.

You're the one going to her home on Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

Were you ever close? What is her backstory?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound like a conflict-avoiding person. You sound like a very judgmental, unforgiving person who ruthlessly cuts people out of her life for being human.

Why does she have to be in my life? Because she has always been there? I appreciate these comments, but please explain this one.

NP. Um, my mom has a brother that she cut out of her life for valid reasons. No one has to be in your life “because they’ve always been there.” Do you get that? You are actively *choosing* to see her—do you get that? You can make a different choice, but either way, it’s YOUR choice and you are responsible for either cutting her off or for continued engagement. Either way, own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister phones and asks how you and your family are doing? Tell us why that is so terrible?

+1

And the sister hosted Thanksgiving but OP refused to communicate with her beforehand? A normal person would at least offer to bring something.
OP is the mean one.

+1. So she’s horrible enough that you’ll avoid communicating with her, but you’ll show up to her table to eat and enjoy the hospitable environment she created for your family to enjoy together?

Wow, OP. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you owe them answers to basic questions like what time can you be there, and can you bring a bottle of Pinot Noir. You sound like the drama queen.

That’s where the conflict avoidance comes into play. If I do not show up, that creates the drama. It was a potluck TG dinner. I brought many dishes and wine to share. My siblings and I coordinated on the group chat who was bringing what. Everything has been the status quo. I just don’t want a relationship with her. Similar to a distant cousin- you only see or speak to a few times a year.

Hint: if you don’t want a relationship with someone, you start by declining their invitations. You don’t want a relationship with her; fine, own it. Own that there may be fallout. It’s called a consequence of a choice. If you choose to cut her off, then you need to own the “drama” that would create. But if you don’t want a relationship with her, literally step one is not eating at her table.