Can a parenting marriage last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would struggle with an open parenting marriage because I would always be nervous that the DC would somehow find out and that would be harder than a divorce. Is it really possible to keep flings and encounters secret for decades in this day and age? Maybe I’m naive and it’s common

Hmm. I think that people need to rid themselves of the notion that rigid and unhappy celibacy, or a life of stressful secrecy, are the only acceptable consequences of wanting to parent your child with their bio parent. If you are seen out and about with a particular friend, I don't see why it would hurt anyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm very unhappy in my marriage and have gotten to the point where I actively dislike and resent my husband. I've looked into parenting marriages, and my takeaway has always been "wow, that requires two very mature people." If you and your husband are both very mature then I see no reason why it can't work and it's clearly better than divorce, especially if your DC is still at home. In my case, it's probably a nonstarter because my husband is so thin-skinned and insecure. "We just grew apart" isn't really an option in his mind: everything has to be someone's fault (usually mine).

The end of a marriage usually involves a fair amount of finger-pointing. Again, you both need to be mature enough to avoid that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you openly discussed this?

My parents were probably like this. It would've been fine if my mother wasn't so passive aggressive. But the fact that she was set a bad example and made me on edge.

I think many couples are private with their affection so that's not the issue. Can you both be really kind to each other? Is there still affection? Can you open up the relationship? It's normal for strong feelings to fade, but if you get along fine then you can probably salvage your relationship and build a deeper connection, sexual or not.

There is no affection between us, but we are generally cordial to one another and very affectionate with DC (almost to the point of overcompensating, which probably isn't great either). H has a tendency to patronize when he speaks to me, and I am guilty of nagging him at times. We have not explicitly discussed opening the relationship, but I presume H is sleeping with other people since we are not sleeping with one another. As with many primary caregivers of young children, my libido has been practically nonexistent for several years. Even if and when it returns, however, I am not attracted to H, so do not begrudge extramarital activities as long as they do not negatively impact DC (e.g. by taking time away from family commitments, etc.).

Be careful not to ‘marry’ this young boy of yours. (Read the book Silently Seduced if you don’t understand what I’m saying) I don’t think divorce is so bad and would be a much healthier lifestyle than this situation.

[Anonymous]

One thought experiment I’d do is, if your spouse decides to divorce you in a year, or 5 years, or 10, or when your kid is in the middle of teen angst, will you regret not having ended things earlier?

I think a “parenting marriage” is just a marriage—a passionless one, and susceptible to all the regular stresses and temptations.l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you mean couples counseling, no, because there is nothing about us as a couple to salvage. Perhaps we could benefit from a counselor who specializes in establishing and maintaining successful parenting marriages - do those exist?

I have read your posts and they prompted me to wonder how a couple gets to this place, and I don’t mean that in a snarky way. I think it’s maybe because I would definitely push a conversation with my spouse when I noticed the issues, and force done kind of plan of action. Did you and your DH discuss your issues early on, or were you both comfortable letting things roll?

I'd say our issues surfaced after DC was born (which is also why we stopped at just one), when H refused to either 1) pull back from his extremely demanding job so he could help more with childcare. or 2) move to the private sector where he could make multiples of his salary and allow me to scale back from my job. So in addition to my full-time job, I also became DC's primary caregiver outside of daycare. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I lost attraction to H during this time. DC is now in elementary school, and our issues pretty much remain the same - we just don't discuss them out loud anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thought experiment I’d do is, if your spouse decides to divorce you in a year, or 5 years, or 10, or when your kid is in the middle of teen angst, will you regret not having ended things earlier?

I think a “parenting marriage” is just a marriage—a passionless one, and susceptible to all the regular stresses and temptations.l

Interesting! I honestly don't know. Hindsight is always going to be 20/20 - I think all anyone can do is make the best decision they can with the information available to them at the time. Right now, H and I feel it's best to stay together. But that's why I'm on DCUM, trying to glean insight from folks who've been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you mean couples counseling, no, because there is nothing about us as a couple to salvage. Perhaps we could benefit from a counselor who specializes in establishing and maintaining successful parenting marriages - do those exist?

I have read your posts and they prompted me to wonder how a couple gets to this place, and I don’t mean that in a snarky way. I think it’s maybe because I would definitely push a conversation with my spouse when I noticed the issues, and force done kind of plan of action. Did you and your DH discuss your issues early on, or were you both comfortable letting things roll?

I'd say our issues surfaced after DC was born (which is also why we stopped at just one), when H refused to either 1) pull back from his extremely demanding job so he could help more with childcare. or 2) move to the private sector where he could make multiples of his salary and allow me to scale back from my job. So in addition to my full-time job, I also became DC's primary caregiver outside of daycare. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I lost attraction to H during this time. DC is now in elementary school, and our issues pretty much remain the same - we just don't discuss them out loud anymore.

Have you tried counseling? This sounds like a pretty garden variety disconnect. I would try that first before going to either divorce or a lifetime of disconnectedness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.

The problem is that this is hard to achieve and many people lie to themselves. Task based marriage is tough after the task is completed. Maybe people would have rather know that spouse wouldn't stay with them to an old age. Makes planning for the future easier.

This is true. You have to be in a mindset or cultural environment where love is about loyalty and being there for the other person in practical ways. Then it’s meaningful. If you’re very American and think love is about feelings and intimacy, it’s not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Of course. Most marriages become parenting marriages or companionship marriages as you age. You still have to affection towards each other and treat each other with consideration.

[Anonymous]

Only a woman can think up this nonsense. OP, your H isn’t going to be cool with this arrangement for long. Eventually, he will want to sleep with someone else and fall in love with her. The fact that you are delusional will only make it more painful when you wake up and realize how one-sided this hope is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a woman can think up this nonsense. OP, your H isn’t going to be cool with this arrangement for long. Eventually, he will want to sleep with someone else and fall in love with her. The fact that you are delusional will only make it more painful when you wake up and realize how one-sided this hope is.

+1. There is a very decent chance that your husband will leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a woman can think up this nonsense. OP, your H isn’t going to be cool with this arrangement for long. Eventually, he will want to sleep with someone else and fall in love with her. The fact that you are delusional will only make it more painful when you wake up and realize how one-sided this hope is.

I think one certainly has to be prepared for their spouse to eventually fall in love or simply wish to be alone. There is the expectation that one or both are or will see other people, as ONS or FWB. At some point, perhaps everyone is okay with one spouse having even a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I guess, most men who cheat want to stay with their spouse, though, and I expect it probably isn’t much different when it’s out in the open. Potentially more likely is the wife deciding to divorce once the kids are finished with high school or college, just to be done with it. Unless things are truly amicable in the house. Not saying good friends, but pleasant enough not to disrupt what you have for potentiality at 50+.

[Anonymous]

A parenting marriage wouldn’t last for me, op, because I’d refuse to live that way. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone with no adult relationship, no sex, no affection, no lying in bed just holding each other, no date nights, no shared experiences where you look over at each other or touch and both think “wasn’t that amazing.. and wasn’t it amazing to be sharing that with you?”
As for your kid, you’ve got no way to know what your kid will pick up on or what they will care about.
My concern for your kid is that you will treat him too much like an adult. You’ve already mentioned you are overly affectionate with him, yet you won’t work on your marriage because you just don’t want to. Do you know how messed-up that is? If not, why not?

You say you don’t care if your husband is sleeping with other people. You will if he gets someone pregnant, or is even on the list of potential fathers, or if a nut shows up at your house, or most likely, if he’s just cold to you, turning your back when you tell him “Hey, did you see how some random player on tv hit that ball!” or telling you “No adult needs a birthday cake, I can’t believe you’d expect one” when plenty of women swoon when their husband brings home their favorite dessert.
You may also not be as chill if your husband wrecks the car coming home from or on his way to see a girlfriend, or if a former girlfriend shows up as your son’s teacher, coach, or moves into the school district with her husband because it’s a nice place to live and you have to sit politely near her at a school function or your son becomes friends with her kid.
As For you finding a lover, you can, though you won’t find healthy man who will hop to it whenever you want sex and companionship and then go home and read deep literature while you’re “enjoying family time… with your husband”. No healthy person with any self-worth would put up with that. You aren’t living in a French movie, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it can work. I’ve been a nanny for the same family for 16 years. Never once have I seen the parents kiss, hold hands, or even hug (unless returning from a week long trip). The kids have mentioned that it’s weird they’ve never seen their parents kiss, and I just say oh I’ve never noticed! I also make their bed and in 26 years have never once noticed anything there either…….. However they both are excellent parents and perfect partners. The kids are happy but as they get older, they notice that dad works in the basement until 8:30pm and then goes to bed at 9pm, while mom stays up until midnight.

It does not mean that they don't have a good marriage or that they don't have sex, Separate bedtimes and seperate bedrooms does not mean a breakdown of marriage. I am happily married for 30 years. I sleep in the guest room because I like the bed and the room temperature there. I also want my room to be pitch dark at night without any gadgets or device. My DH sleeps with his ipad, smartphone, and reading material on the bed. Anyways, we spend a lot of time with each other, we are affectionate and we have regular sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can work. I’ve been a nanny for the same family for 16 years. Never once have I seen the parents kiss, hold hands, or even hug (unless returning from a week long trip). The kids have mentioned that it’s weird they’ve never seen their parents kiss, and I just say oh I’ve never noticed! I also make their bed and in 26 years have never once noticed anything there either…….. However they both are excellent parents and perfect partners. The kids are happy but as they get older, they notice that dad works in the basement until 8:30pm and then goes to bed at 9pm, while mom stays up until midnight.

It does not mean that they don't have a good marriage or that they don't have sex, Separate bedtimes and seperate bedrooms does not mean a breakdown of marriage. I am happily married for 30 years. I sleep in the guest room because I like the bed and the room temperature there. I also want my room to be pitch dark at night without any gadgets or device. My DH sleeps with his ipad, smartphone, and reading material on the bed. Anyways, we spend a lot of time with each other, we are affectionate and we have regular sex.

And your situation is completely different - “we are affectionate.” The above says even the kids have never seen their parents kiss.