Can a parenting marriage last?

[Anonymous]

H and I have both checked out of the “couple” part of marriage, but want to do right by our DC. As long as we can peacefully coexist, we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together so do not wish to divorce. Even when DC grows up, these benefits will continue - no juggling visits or dividing the nest egg, etc.

Are we being realistic in thinking we can pull this off? We do our best to maintain a normal facade for our still young DC, but can’t exactly fake being in love. As DC gets older, will it become obvious we are neither emotionally nor physically intimate, and if so, are we harming DC’s chances of forming healthier relationships? Neither of us want DC to have a marriage like ours.

If anyone here has made a parenting marriage last, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Have you openly discussed this?

My parents were probably like this. It would've been fine if my mother wasn't so passive aggressive. But the fact that she was set a bad example and made me on edge.

I think many couples are private with their affection so that's not the issue. Can you both be really kind to each other? Is there still affection? Can you open up the relationship? It's normal for strong feelings to fade, but if you get along fine then you can probably salvage your relationship and build a deeper connection, sexual or not.

[Anonymous]

Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.

[Anonymous]

It can. No guarantees (like what if one of you meets someone new?), but it could work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.[/quot

+1 every word of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It can. No guarantees (like what if one of you meets someone new?), but it could work.

This is going to be the hard part. If one of you wants to date, it takes time away from the kids, and puts more on the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you openly discussed this?

My parents were probably like this. It would've been fine if my mother wasn't so passive aggressive. But the fact that she was set a bad example and made me on edge.

I think many couples are private with their affection so that's not the issue. Can you both be really kind to each other? Is there still affection? Can you open up the relationship? It's normal for strong feelings to fade, but if you get along fine then you can probably salvage your relationship and build a deeper connection, sexual or not.

There is no affection between us, but we are generally cordial to one another and very affectionate with DC (almost to the point of overcompensating, which probably isn't great either). H has a tendency to patronize when he speaks to me, and I am guilty of nagging him at times. We have not explicitly discussed opening the relationship, but I presume H is sleeping with other people since we are not sleeping with one another. As with many primary caregivers of young children, my libido has been practically nonexistent for several years. Even if and when it returns, however, I am not attracted to H, so do not begrudge extramarital activities as long as they do not negatively impact DC (e.g. by taking time away from family commitments, etc.).

[Anonymous]

It sounds awful to me, but only you know if it’s ok for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It can. No guarantees (like what if one of you meets someone new?), but it could work.

This is going to be the hard part. If one of you wants to date, it takes time away from the kids, and puts more on the other parent.

Yes, this concerns me. Does this become less likely to happen (or at least less of a potential issue if it does) the older we get, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.[/quot

+1 every word of this.

You know America did better in the marriage business with marriages more like A Christmas Story which at least had some love and friendship as well as stability before the rest of the world decided their way of old world order was better. Most of my friends growing up had marriages that were at least as good as Ralphie's parents which I'd take any day over some institutionalized marriage.

[Anonymous]

The problem with this is that you're teaching by example, what your child should look for in a spouse, in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

If your dc is young, don’t do this. thats the best time to part ways. You only have one life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.

The problem is that this is hard to achieve and many people lie to themselves. Task based marriage is tough after the task is completed. Maybe people would have rather know that spouse wouldn't stay with them to an old age. Makes planning for the future easier.

[Anonymous]

Have you done counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you openly discussed this?

My parents were probably like this. It would've been fine if my mother wasn't so passive aggressive. But the fact that she was set a bad example and made me on edge.

I think many couples are private with their affection so that's not the issue. Can you both be really kind to each other? Is there still affection? Can you open up the relationship? It's normal for strong feelings to fade, but if you get along fine then you can probably salvage your relationship and build a deeper connection, sexual or not.

There is no affection between us, but we are generally cordial to one another and very affectionate with DC (almost to the point of overcompensating, which probably isn't great either). H has a tendency to patronize when he speaks to me, and I am guilty of nagging him at times. We have not explicitly discussed opening the relationship, but I presume H is sleeping with other people since we are not sleeping with one another. As with many primary caregivers of young children, my libido has been practically nonexistent for several years. Even if and when it returns, however, I am not attracted to H, so do not begrudge extramarital activities as long as they do not negatively impact DC (e.g. by taking time away from family commitments, etc.).

OP, I would seek out a lover. My guess is your libido isn't dead. You have just been married too long. You can spark it and you can bring it back home if you really want to. Be honest with yourself about how hard you've been working at your marriage.