Can a parenting marriage last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

Hey PP, I am a man in the same situation. Thing is, I am attractive and get attention from women, successful in the business world, but for whatever reason, my wife just doesn't have sexual attraction to me. We tried some counseling but it didn't work. I think we both see fault in letting our sexual connection fall when kids were young but its been years, its awkward and we have a decent parenting marriage. It became better when we acknowledged it.

I had one short fling and it was wonderful. Reading the bolded part, it makes me dream of finding someone like you. Run away for a weekend?

Seriously though, there are many marriages like ours. It works until it doesn't, but if it works for now, I can always leave later.

Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done counseling?

If you mean couples counseling, no, because there is nothing about us as a couple to salvage. Perhaps we could benefit from a counselor who specializes in establishing and maintaining successful parenting marriages - do those exist?

Of course…a regular couples counselor could provide that…you’d just need to be upfront about what your expectations and making sure you guys are having the right conversations.

I think what your proposing sounds fine.

[Anonymous]

I think it can work. I’ve been a nanny for the same family for 16 years. Never once have I seen the parents kiss, hold hands, or even hug (unless returning from a week long trip). The kids have mentioned that it’s weird they’ve never seen their parents kiss, and I just say oh I’ve never noticed! I also make their bed and in 26 years have never once noticed anything there either…….. However they both are excellent parents and perfect partners. The kids are happy but as they get older, they notice that dad works in the basement until 8:30pm and then goes to bed at 9pm, while mom stays up until midnight.

[Anonymous]

Sorry typo- 16 years instead of 26!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

Sure. I’m happy to answer questions, if you have any. I’ll say, though, if our kids were younger, and we were five - ten years younger, I would have decided to divorce.

Why would you have divorced if your DC were younger?

My parents married and divorced different people three times growing up (it’s complicated). It felt easier for me and my siblings to handle when we were younger. Older it was harder to change homes and schools. But, everyone’s experiences are different. Selfishly, also I feel like I could have had a better opportunity to find someone who could be a romantic partner, when I was younger. And honestly, for husband, too. He could have maybe tried to live his life openly. It’s seems a lot harder, for many reasons, when you’re pushing fifty than in your late thirties.

Do you and your H still care for each other platonically? My H and I unfortunately do not, and I'm wondering if that's a prerequisite for a successful parenting marriage. Is it enough that we don't hate each other? We love our DC very much and don't wish to disrupt their life now or ever.

Tough question. I have a lot of resentment built up for things. Related to this, and also related to other issues. I spent last year drinking a glass of wine most nights so I didn’t have to think. But, I don’t hate him. We don’t do anything alone together, though, really. Just things with the kids, so sports games, board games, movies, family events. Well, we might watch a show together now and then. So, that makes having a platonic relationship hard. We’re not really friends. We’re mostly polite. He has been more willing to do things around the house, which I think is related to guilt and will probably go away.

It sounds kind of miserable, the way I wrote it. But, we like our home, the area, the financial stability we have. It’s not bad. He doesn’t pick fights. We have a lot of privacy / time on our own. We don’t have arguments about the kids. Every now and then we make each other laugh with some kind of joke. I’d say not right after. I was wading more heavily in the lake of sadness then. I do care about him as a person.

I’d think about if your kids will pick up on it and how that might impact them vs having two happier parents divorced, too. We’re pretty careful about things with the kids, and they may know we aren’t lovey dovey couple, as compared to some friends, but we don’t have big arguments and are generally polite with each other.

Thank you again so much for your candor. Like you, H and I do not spend much time just the two of us - we are either doing family things with DC or H is at work. To be fair, he works incredibly hard to provide for our family, but frankly, I also suspect he simply prefers to be away from me. He is clearly unhappy with his choice of spouse (as am I, so not casting blame here). We're younger than you, but I don't know that we'd be happier divorced. With H's insane work schedule, the logistics of maintaining two separate households and co-parenting would be extremely challenging, not to mention the financial hit we'd take. We could very likely just be unhappier, especially DC, who of course is our primary concern.

[Anonymous]

About 1/3 of marriages by age 50 are sexless or near sexless so what you describe is not only not rare but unfortunately quite common. That's why you see a lot of people talking about infidelity and cheating and a similar amount of people that really don't see it as some grave sin. I wish you well, rest assured you are not alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 1/3 of marriages by age 50 are sexless or near sexless so what you describe is not only not rare but unfortunately quite common. That's why you see a lot of people talking about infidelity and cheating and a similar amount of people that really don't see it as some grave sin. I wish you well, rest assured you are not alone

I should add that the question you have to answer is whether your lack of a sex life and lack of passion will lead to so much resentment that it kills whatever's left of your parenting marriage. I am working on that aspect. I definitely have some resentment and some jealousy that some of my friends have what I see as a normal and loving marriage. I also try to count my blessings at my spouse and I get along quite well even if the romantic part of it is dead and long gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer passion in my marriage and in my life. But perhaps your ability for a passionate physical relationship has passed. Good luck on the peaceful friendship route.

How long have you been married?

20 years next week

[Anonymous]

I would struggle with an open parenting marriage because I would always be nervous that the DC would somehow find out and that would be harder than a divorce. Is it really possible to keep flings and encounters secret for decades in this day and age? Maybe I’m naive and it’s common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 1/3 of marriages by age 50 are sexless or near sexless so what you describe is not only not rare but unfortunately quite common. That's why you see a lot of people talking about infidelity and cheating and a similar amount of people that really don't see it as some grave sin. I wish you well, rest assured you are not alone

I should add that the question you have to answer is whether your lack of a sex life and lack of passion will lead to so much resentment that it kills whatever's left of your parenting marriage. I am working on that aspect. I definitely have some resentment and some jealousy that some of my friends have what I see as a normal and loving marriage. I also try to count my blessings at my spouse and I get along quite well even if the romantic part of it is dead and long gone.

There is resentment in our marriage, but I don't believe it's due to lack of sex, at least not on my part. I have resented H for being away so much/working so hard at a job that offers only a fraction of the income he could easily be making in the private sector. If H wants to be so busy, then I would like the financial cushion to scale back on my own job so I can be more present for DC at home. Alternatively, if H doesn't care about making more money, then I would like *him* to be more present for DC at home. H has resented me because he truly loves his job and hasn't wanted to make this choice. As a mentioned in a previous post, my libido is just about zero currently and I just presume DH is getting sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

The passion in all marriages ends at some point, and you. end up as companions.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need passion to love each other. I divorced because l no longer loved my husband and l found him annoying and he didn’t pull his weight. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life annoyed. That’s not good for me or the kids or my ex for that matter. My mom is constantly annoyed with my dad and it’s so uncomfortable, l didn’t want to be one of those aggravated middle aged and then old people.

So l guess what I’m saying is it depends if you can be happy being in a parenting only couple. I couldn’t be but maybe you can.

[Anonymous]

its working with my spouse. There is no passive agressiveness though. I am 100% certain this is the best my kid and us quite frankly. We are a great team, like really good CEO and COO. Financially is great too. I dont kid myself about dating in middle age with a kid. You shouldn't kid yourself either.

[Anonymous]

If you mean couples counseling, no, because there is nothing about us as a couple to salvage. Perhaps we could benefit from a counselor who specializes in establishing and maintaining successful parenting marriages - do those exist?

I have read your posts and they prompted me to wonder how a couple gets to this place, and I don’t mean that in a snarky way. I think it’s maybe because I would definitely push a conversation with my spouse when I noticed the issues, and force done kind of plan of action. Did you and your DH discuss your issues early on, or were you both comfortable letting things roll?

[Anonymous]

Most couples do through periods like these, OP.
We ended up reconnecting, actually!