Can a parenting marriage last?

[Anonymous]

The opposite exists, as well. And it also sucks. Seems better to be open and up front about it. If they don’t agree, then you go back to nothing or cheating. But it could make things better. And really, if any sexual activity is going on between the spouses, you must be transparent so the other spouse can protect themselves from STIs.

It seems like in the prior posts that the DH and DW are not having sex anymore. Therefore, they would not have to worry about passing STIs from one to another.

I had a friend where he and his DW agreed to live together as a married couple and were free to have FWB/NSA hookups as long as it did not impact their family financially.

He had a vasectomy right after their last child and traveled for work almost every week. She worked part-time and was the primary caretaker for the kids. For him, it was great because he could hook up while traveling while his wife did not have the time (or the opportunity) to date.

However, once his youngest was a senior in high school, his wife started working full-time and banging her way through her office. He could not believe that she was into it, and how easy it was for her.

Objectively, he was better looking but she made up in effort what she lacked in attractiveness. The fact that she did not require any sort of relationship contributed to her ability to find partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The opposite exists, as well. And it also sucks. Seems better to be open and up front about it. If they don’t agree, then you go back to nothing or cheating. But it could make things better. And really, if any sexual activity is going on between the spouses, you must be transparent so the other spouse can protect themselves from STIs.

It seems like in the prior posts that the DH and DW are not having sex anymore. Therefore, they would not have to worry about passing STIs from one to another.

I had a friend where he and his DW agreed to live together as a married couple and were free to have FWB/NSA hookups as long as it did not impact their family financially.

He had a vasectomy right after their last child and traveled for work almost every week. She worked part-time and was the primary caretaker for the kids. For him, it was great because he could hook up while traveling while his wife did not have the time (or the opportunity) to date.

However, once his youngest was a senior in high school, his wife started working full-time and banging her way through her office. He could not believe that she was into it, and how easy it was for her.

Objectively, he was better looking but she made up in effort what she lacked in attractiveness. The fact that she did not require any sort of relationship contributed to her ability to find partners.

Correct, no possibility of STI transference in our situation. Interesting outcome re. your friends - have they stayed together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

[Anonymous]

Like others have said, many marriages end up as parenting marriages if you give them enough time. It's always better to do things with intention than to just let them happen, so coming to an explicit agreement that you're going to have a parenting marriage seems like a good idea.

Historically, marriage has been about raising children and shoring up finances. The idea that people who have been married with kids for 10+ years are still going to be like horny teenagers is specific to modern America. It's also crazy and does a lot of damage. Somebody upthread said that thinking this way is wanting life to be like a French movie. Well, life is more like a French movie than it is like a cheesy rom-com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

Got it! Perhaps it's best I not explicitly give H the go-ahead until DC launches then, in the hopes he doesn't form a romantic bond that will disrupt our parenting marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

Thank you for sharing! This is helpful.

*discreetly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

Got it! Perhaps it's best I not explicitly give H the go-ahead until DC launches then, in the hopes he doesn't form a romantic bond that will disrupt our parenting marriage.

Yes, because as PP and the Napa weekend states- not many quality (or otherwise) women are going to be fine with just hook-ups for long. It is not your husband you have to worry about so much as his new potential girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

Got it! Perhaps it's best I not explicitly give H the go-ahead until DC launches then, in the hopes he doesn't form a romantic bond that will disrupt our parenting marriage.

Yes, because as PP and the Napa weekend states- not many quality (or otherwise) women are going to be fine with just hook-ups for long. It is not your husband you have to worry about so much as his new potential girlfriend.

PP who wrote about the theoretical Napa weekend and it's true. I wouldn't say I can't meet quality woman but if all you can realistically offer is occasional happy hours and hook ups you are limited to married women in similar situations and recently divorced women not looking for anything serious, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

Your wife has opted out of the "marriage" so it does not matter what she is cool with. Since when does a room mate limit your dating options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

Your wife has opted out of the "marriage" so it does not matter what she is cool with. Since when does a room mate limit your dating options?

They BOTH want to stay married, though. Not just her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are am older parenting marriage couple. The kids are gone so we parent our dogs.

Is there platonic affection between you? Do you anticipate staying together until death do you part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like others have said, many marriages end up as parenting marriages if you give them enough time. It's always better to do things with intention than to just let them happen, so coming to an explicit agreement that you're going to have a parenting marriage seems like a good idea.

Historically, marriage has been about raising children and shoring up finances. The idea that people who have been married with kids for 10+ years are still going to be like horny teenagers is specific to modern America. It's also crazy and does a lot of damage. Somebody upthread said that thinking this way is wanting life to be like a French movie. Well, life is more like a French movie than it is like a cheesy rom-com.

There’s a lot of space between a sexless parenting marriage and horny teenagers!

I am a realist about marriage. But I still expect some love, affection and occasional sex.

What OP is proposing is sad and I don’t understand why she so badly wants to be married or why she thinks this is good for her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like others have said, many marriages end up as parenting marriages if you give them enough time. It's always better to do things with intention than to just let them happen, so coming to an explicit agreement that you're going to have a parenting marriage seems like a good idea.

Historically, marriage has been about raising children and shoring up finances. The idea that people who have been married with kids for 10+ years are still going to be like horny teenagers is specific to modern America. It's also crazy and does a lot of damage. Somebody upthread said that thinking this way is wanting life to be like a French movie. Well, life is more like a French movie than it is like a cheesy rom-com.

There’s a lot of space between a sexless parenting marriage and horny teenagers!

I am a realist about marriage. But I still expect some love, affection and occasional sex.

What OP is proposing is sad and I don’t understand why she so badly wants to be married or why she thinks this is good for her child.

Yes, I agree it's sad. However, it's not that I want so badly to be married. I honestly think it's better logistically and financially for DC for our family to remain under one roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a parenting marriage. Sexless for 4 years, and little affection since first kid was born 14 years ago. Strange part was we had a passionate marriage before kids. I am sure there is blame all around. It isn't ever going to reignite. Intimacy is weird. Don't be like us.

Anyway, it can work and it does, except its super awkward when kids aren't around. And now that they are 13 and 15, they aren't around as much.

Also, while I was generally fine with the Don't Ask Don't tell when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and traveling for work and in what is probably a man's prime where women would approach me, I am less so now that I am late 40s. I really miss the companionship and it's a huge effort to be out the chasing women and doing it discretely. I want to go away for a romantic weekend and not be sneaky about it.

Point being, it's hard to see staying this way once the kids leave. But who knows, I will be late 50s by then and maybe I won't care about sex?

What do you think your spouse would say if you ask to make it explicitly open? I’m feeling conflicted, but relieved now that everything is out in the open. I feel like I’m not crazy, I was basically gaslit for years, and so that’s helpful mentally. And I know I won’t have to sneak around if I want to go out. And he doesn’t have to anymore. So that’s better. He’s less stressed about things and we actually talk about it. We talked about how I could go away for a weekend and it’d be fine (again, I’m struggling figuring out how to find someone so that’s like a far off whatever, just using as example), and I’m really the same with him. If he wants to go away for a night or two.

Do you think making it explicit and working out boundaries would cause your wife to divorce? Is that the hold up? Or do you think she’d be ok with hookups, but not with a longer friend with benefits/companion type arrangement?

I think my wife would be and is worried I may leave her for someone else. I make about 10x what she does, although we have no money issues and never fight about money. She likes the lifestyle and security of marriage, and I think she thinks I will run off with someone younger if we rip the bandaid off.

OP here, not the PP to whom you replied, but I'd love to know: Would you actually be more likely to run off with someone if your marriage was explicitly open rather than DADT? I wouldn't think it would make any difference, which is why I haven't bothered talking about it to H, but maybe I'm wrong.

Tough to say, in all honesty. It's like this: having to be discreet, limits the type of women available. If I could openly date - be available to say that I am going to book a super romantic weekend in Napa with my girlfriend, well of course I could have way more options but my wife wouldn't be cool with that. And it does raise the potential for romantic bonding. Make sense?

Your wife has opted out of the "marriage" so it does not matter what she is cool with. Since when does a room mate limit your dating options?

They BOTH want to stay married, though. Not just her.

His dating options are what makes the marriage sustainable, so if she wants to stay married, she ought not limit his options with fictional discretion.