S/O: 'Magazines are rude' families--what's your deal?

[Anonymous]

OP: Why not rent a hotel suite or VRBO or something so you can attend to your ILs when visiting their home and be on your own for part (or the majority) of the time? I'm fairly introverted and understand people need peace and quiet (and time to regroup) but they appear to be taking it as rudeness. So buy yourself some space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

I re-read, and the PP you were responding to said she was surprised to hear that this kind of dynamic is still happening, because everyone she knew who was like this has passed away. So PP and OP can’t be the same poster.

At any rate, I agree with their perspective that it is stifling when people expect constant interaction, ask where people are, and consider it to be rude to take a walk alone, take a nap, or read a magazine. So I guess you can call me a narcissist and a drama queen, too, since insulting and labeling people is apparently what you do when they have a viewpoint that is different from your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

+1 I have been thinking about this thread all day. It seems so rude and purposefully antagonistic to grab a magazine and start flipping through it. That made me think about when we go to my husbands' family. They, too, like us to be all together pretty much all the time.

The difference is, imo, that I learned early on that they are pretty interesting people to talk to. We pull out old photo albums, we look through yearbooks, we talk about the past. I ask them questions about what life was like when they were growing up or when they were young parents. I ask them questions about things my husband has told me about in passing but that turn out to be really funny or interesting stories. I have learned so much about them that now I am completely fascinated!

I can't imagine being at my inlaws and not wanting to engage with them, which is saying a lot because they're pretty intimidating people. But they also raised the man I love and they love us unconditionally so I make the effort to engage with them and I find it rewarding.

I also find that the more I engage with them, the more general latitude I receive to do the things I want to do. It is a great way to see that if you give a little, you can get a lot. Flex, OP, flex. Life is easier if you learn to flex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

I re-read, and the PP you were responding to said she was surprised to hear that this kind of dynamic is still happening, because everyone she knew who was like this has passed away. So PP and OP can’t be the same poster.

At any rate, I agree with their perspective that it is stifling when people expect constant interaction, ask where people are, and consider it to be rude to take a walk alone, take a nap, or read a magazine. So I guess you can call me a narcissist and a drama queen, too, since insulting and labeling people is apparently what you do when they have a viewpoint that is different from your own.

Labeling the behavior, dearie, labeling the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

I re-read, and the PP you were responding to said she was surprised to hear that this kind of dynamic is still happening, because everyone she knew who was like this has passed away. So PP and OP can’t be the same poster.

At any rate, I agree with their perspective that it is stifling when people expect constant interaction, ask where people are, and consider it to be rude to take a walk alone, take a nap, or read a magazine. So I guess you can call me a narcissist and a drama queen, too, since insulting and labeling people is apparently what you do when they have a viewpoint that is different from your own.

Labeling the behavior, dearie, labeling the behavior.

You just couldn’t help the sarcastic “dearie,” could you? You really can’t handle when people disagree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

+1 I have been thinking about this thread all day. It seems so rude and purposefully antagonistic to grab a magazine and start flipping through it. That made me think about when we go to my husbands' family. They, too, like us to be all together pretty much all the time.

The difference is, imo, that I learned early on that they are pretty interesting people to talk to. We pull out old photo albums, we look through yearbooks, we talk about the past. I ask them questions about what life was like when they were growing up or when they were young parents. I ask them questions about things my husband has told me about in passing but that turn out to be really funny or interesting stories. I have learned so much about them that now I am completely fascinated!

I can't imagine being at my inlaws and not wanting to engage with them, which is saying a lot because they're pretty intimidating people. But they also raised the man I love and they love us unconditionally so I make the effort to engage with them and I find it rewarding.

I also find that the more I engage with them, the more general latitude I receive to do the things I want to do. It is a great way to see that if you give a little, you can get a lot. Flex, OP, flex. Life is easier if you learn to flex.

That's great that your personality is such that this would be fun for days on end with no breaks except for sleeping. Not everyone is wired the same.
Also, not all families are the same. The more we give in to this behavior with my in laws, the more they expect, they are definitely not interested in giving "more latitude... to do the things (we) want to do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

She already did what they wanted to do for the better part of the day. Now she wants to read or do her own thing. Why can’t her in-laws “flex a little” and get over themselves and their controlling nature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just let someone have some time to themself and do what they want to do. They're a guest in your house. You are hosting them. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in controlling everyone that you don't see that you are part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your guests a little grace when they are visiting you.

You see, this is why people don't like you and why you don't have friends. You sound like a complete pill. Frankly, if I were your inlaws, I would gladly let you and your kids go elsewhere. You don't sound like a very nice person and certainly you don't have any manners.

DP

I agree with them. Plenty of people like me and I have more friends than I can reasonably spend time with. Stop being rigid. People will like you better. Insert childish winky face emoji here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

+1 I have been thinking about this thread all day. It seems so rude and purposefully antagonistic to grab a magazine and start flipping through it. That made me think about when we go to my husbands' family. They, too, like us to be all together pretty much all the time.

The difference is, imo, that I learned early on that they are pretty interesting people to talk to. We pull out old photo albums, we look through yearbooks, we talk about the past. I ask them questions about what life was like when they were growing up or when they were young parents. I ask them questions about things my husband has told me about in passing but that turn out to be really funny or interesting stories. I have learned so much about them that now I am completely fascinated!

I can't imagine being at my inlaws and not wanting to engage with them, which is saying a lot because they're pretty intimidating people. But they also raised the man I love and they love us unconditionally so I make the effort to engage with them and I find it rewarding.

I also find that the more I engage with them, the more general latitude I receive to do the things I want to do. It is a great way to see that if you give a little, you can get a lot. Flex, OP, flex. Life is easier if you learn to flex.

If you’re doing this for a multiple-day visit without breaks, you’re not “flexing.” You’re a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.

Wow. The more you post the more rude you come off. I can see why your family responds to you the way they do. You are modeling horrible behaviors for your children and you have a responsibility to be a better parent model for them.

NP. I understand PP’s point. She’s not saying that, for example, she never talks on the phone, goes for a walk, sits around and chats, or drives hours for a family event. She’s just saying that if she wants to, she does, and if she doesn’t, well, it’s OK that others aren’t satisfied with her decisions. I see nothing wrong with that. I think that’s a great thing to model for your children—you can’t please everyone, so you do the best you can to be kind and clear and do what works for you and your immediate family.

I hear what you're saying. You're just saying with less stridency and adamancy than the OP. I think that's what set me off. Her post and replies make her sound so narcissistic that it is really off-putting.

The PP wasn’t the OP, I don’t think. I could be wrong, but I think those are two different posters.

So you get to be “set off” and post with deliberate and personal rudeness over OP and PP’s point of view, but they don’t get to be “set off” by the stifling behaviors of their family members?

I don't think what they're describing is stifling. I think they're narcissists and drama queens.

I re-read, and the PP you were responding to said she was surprised to hear that this kind of dynamic is still happening, because everyone she knew who was like this has passed away. So PP and OP can’t be the same poster.

At any rate, I agree with their perspective that it is stifling when people expect constant interaction, ask where people are, and consider it to be rude to take a walk alone, take a nap, or read a magazine. So I guess you can call me a narcissist and a drama queen, too, since insulting and labeling people is apparently what you do when they have a viewpoint that is different from your own.

Labeling the behavior, dearie, labeling the behavior.

You just couldn’t help the sarcastic “dearie,” could you? You really can’t handle when people disagree with you.

She can’t, and with each new reply, she sounds like an even more nasty old prissy schoolmarm. There are some labels for you!