S/O: 'Magazines are rude' families--what's your deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just let someone have some time to themself and do what they want to do. They're a guest in your house. You are hosting them. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in controlling everyone that you don't see that you are part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your guests a little grace when they are visiting you.

You see, this is why people don't like you and why you don't have friends. You sound like a complete pill. Frankly, if I were your inlaws, I would gladly let you and your kids go elsewhere. You don't sound like a very nice person and certainly you don't have any manners.

DP

OP here. I did not write the reply you are responding to, a fact that you can confirm with Jeff if you'd like. In every post I have made, I have identified myself as the OP. Again, you can confirm this with Jeff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

OP here. When it comes to us visiting their home, These are multi-day visits in a very small house in a small town. We do lots of things with them--go for walks, go to the playground, go to the little shops on the main street, go out for lunch, go to church, etc. And we do literally sit and talk with them for hours. But after spending all day together, it simply is not rude for me to allow my oldest daughter to call her friend back, or allow my youngest daughter to read a book, or for me to finally have 20 minutes to look through a cooking magazine. It's just not. We do--we honestly do--spend 90% of the day with them.

Are you so rigid with your guests? If so, you should know that guests value downtime, a few minutes to relax, a few minutes on their own. Expecting 100% togetherness all the time during a visit is...exhausting, frankly. Do you do this to your guests?

And when it comes to being in our home, we do of course spend the majority of the day with them, but again, I'm not going to tell my daughters they can't play with their Christmas gifts or go ride their bikes/scooters, because it is objectively not rude to not spend literally every second with houseguests.

And when we share vacation rentals with them: it's our vacation, too. If DD1 wants to go to the kite shop with my husband, they shouldn't have to stay home because grandma and grandpa aren't interested in that particular activity.

You don’t need to justify yourself to this idiot, OP. I’m thankful that I haven’t encountered what you describe with my in-laws, but in your shoes I’d just take a break when needed and accept that they might think I’m rude. It sounds like your DH, SIL, and BIL have your back on this, and I’m glad you have your kids’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

Because some of us need quiet downtime or we lose our minds. We were on vacation with my parents this summer in an area with a lot of relatives. We'd be running around with people all day then go back to the house - and I needed, NEEDED, a couple of hours with a book and no talking. THen my mother - who needs no time like that - would tell me that more people were coming over in 10 minutes. I really thought I'd lose it.

It's wonderful if you are enough of an extravert that you don't need time to yourself, without talking, without having to pay attention to other people's words and facial expressions and all of it. Some of us are not built like that.

OP: I would lose my mind. I'd also learn to be fine with being considered rude, and would be out on lots of walks, and sitting in my room with a book even if others were tut tutting. It's an extravert's world but they're just going to have to deal with people not complying every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Mine expect to be entertained constantly, except when they don’t, which is impossible to determine by their actions or lack there of at any given time. They will pull out their iPads or books and start doing their thing, but if one of us then pulls out a book or a phone, immediately their eyes snap towards us and we get a demand for more food, another glass of tea, a walk, an errand they need us to take them on…it’s exhausting. Starts at 6am and goes until 11. Shockingly, my bed time is so much earlier when they are around!

When we were much younger, I tried so hard to accommodate them. But when they gave me grief about wanting to go quietly nurse our first baby in her room so I could maybe get her to sleep because they’d woken her on purpose from every nap I’d tried to get her to take, I lost my ever loving mind and it was the last straw.

Now, we’ve not gone on vacation with them in well over a decade. If we have to attend an out of town family event together, we rent our own place and spend the whole time hearing the whining about “togetherness,” which to them means sure can sleep 12 adults and 9 children in a 4 bedroom house, you’ll just sleep on the floor in the bedroom John and Sally are in and we retire from events when it is convenient to us, because no, the 2 year old cannot stay up until midnight, thanks.

If they come here to visit, I now go about our lives, because they’ll stay for 3 weeks and expect us to not take the kids to their normal activities, for us to take the time off from work so they can stare at us doing nothing all day, etc. Conveniently, I often have to work late, have work events, can’t miss one time events for friends, etc. while they are here. And we’ve finally reached the ages where I no longer feel guilty sending my spouse and our two kids without me to fly to visit them if he feels so obligated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

Your mom sounds just like my mom. She just wants an audience. That’s the only reason we are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

NP. Give it a rest. There is an obvious middle-ground which doesn’t include being held captive all day long by narcissistic and controlling people. Part of being a good host is knowing when your guests need downtime and not being a jack*ss about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

NP. Give it a rest. There is an obvious middle-ground which doesn’t include being held captive all day long by narcissistic and controlling people. Part of being a good host is knowing when your guests need downtime and not being a jack*ss about it.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

We might be related! Mine keeps index cards handy with handwritten lists of stories about people I don’t know in case her monologue content wanes. It’s exhausting. I posted on the other thread about growing up in a house where we weren’t allowed to close doors during the day or have any personal downtime. No explanation for what creates a mindset like this, but it’s awful. If someone gets up to use the bathroom, she asks if they drank too much water or if they have an upset stomach. However, when she’s ready for iPad time, we are expected to maintain our positions and just…wait for her to come back. Woe to the sibling’s spouse who darts out for a run or a nap!

My happiest childhood memories are of visiting my aunt on my mom’s side. We would wake up early and read in her quiet house. She died when I was a child and I often wonder what my tween/teenage and adult years would have been like had she lived longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

We might be related! Mine keeps index cards handy with handwritten lists of stories about people I don’t know in case her monologue content wanes. It’s exhausting. I posted on the other thread about growing up in a house where we weren’t allowed to close doors during the day or have any personal downtime. No explanation for what creates a mindset like this, but it’s awful. If someone gets up to use the bathroom, she asks if they drank too much water or if they have an upset stomach. However, when she’s ready for iPad time, we are expected to maintain our positions and just…wait for her to come back. Woe to the sibling’s spouse who darts out for a run or a nap!

My happiest childhood memories are of visiting my aunt on my mom’s side. We would wake up early and read in her quiet house. She died when I was a child and I often wonder what my tween/teenage and adult years would have been like had she lived longer.

Do your sibling's spouses actually continue to visit? Because if I was in that situation, I doubt I'd ever be back after the second or third time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

We might be related! Mine keeps index cards handy with handwritten lists of stories about people I don’t know in case her monologue content wanes. It’s exhausting. I posted on the other thread about growing up in a house where we weren’t allowed to close doors during the day or have any personal downtime. No explanation for what creates a mindset like this, but it’s awful. If someone gets up to use the bathroom, she asks if they drank too much water or if they have an upset stomach. However, when she’s ready for iPad time, we are expected to maintain our positions and just…wait for her to come back. Woe to the sibling’s spouse who darts out for a run or a nap!

My happiest childhood memories are of visiting my aunt on my mom’s side. We would wake up early and read in her quiet house. She died when I was a child and I often wonder what my tween/teenage and adult years would have been like had she lived longer.

Do your sibling's spouses actually continue to visit? Because if I was in that situation, I doubt I'd ever be back after the second or third time.

The visits become more spaced out as time goes on; the ILs benefit the most from my mom’s behavior because they seem low-key and lovely in comparison so they get the extra visits!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

We might be related! Mine keeps index cards handy with handwritten lists of stories about people I don’t know in case her monologue content wanes. It’s exhausting. I posted on the other thread about growing up in a house where we weren’t allowed to close doors during the day or have any personal downtime. No explanation for what creates a mindset like this, but it’s awful. If someone gets up to use the bathroom, she asks if they drank too much water or if they have an upset stomach. However, when she’s ready for iPad time, we are expected to maintain our positions and just…wait for her to come back. Woe to the sibling’s spouse who darts out for a run or a nap!

My happiest childhood memories are of visiting my aunt on my mom’s side. We would wake up early and read in her quiet house. She died when I was a child and I often wonder what my tween/teenage and adult years would have been like had she lived longer.

OMG! I think I might say "May I see that?" holding out my hand for the cards. I would examine them bemusedly, obviously trying not to laugh. "Huh. How sweet." Give them back. Hopefully she would get the idea that writing out lists of topics for a monologue IS NOT NORMAL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

We might be related! Mine keeps index cards handy with handwritten lists of stories about people I don’t know in case her monologue content wanes. It’s exhausting. I posted on the other thread about growing up in a house where we weren’t allowed to close doors during the day or have any personal downtime. No explanation for what creates a mindset like this, but it’s awful. If someone gets up to use the bathroom, she asks if they drank too much water or if they have an upset stomach. However, when she’s ready for iPad time, we are expected to maintain our positions and just…wait for her to come back. Woe to the sibling’s spouse who darts out for a run or a nap!

My happiest childhood memories are of visiting my aunt on my mom’s side. We would wake up early and read in her quiet house. She died when I was a child and I often wonder what my tween/teenage and adult years would have been like had she lived longer.

PP and we should introduce our moms to each other. My mom has always been like this - obsessed to consumed with highly detailed retelling of random people’s lives. Now she’ll email me -sometimes up to 6 times a day-to update me on whatever; a news story, her neighbor’s daughter’s pregnancy, my sibling’s teacher’s family…the more obscure, the better.

New with my mom is she inserts herself into other people’s plans. Most recently expressed disappointment that she didn’t hop in the car with a neighbor who was making a 8 hour trip to visits a friend near where my sibling lives. She wasn’t expressly invited, and at the last minute had a medical problem but I believe otherwise would have asked to go.

Also, my mom is of the Silent Generation, raised in wealth with a mentally ill mother and a doting, passive father. She very willingly overlooks anything negative or concerning and lives in denial. Growing up, we weren’t allowed to express emotions beyond happiness.

I’ve had panic disorder and anxiety for decades.

[Anonymous]

Do we have the same mom pp?
I also have panic and anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is this way; demands all eyes on her and that there be zero silence. She is beyond annoying and very controlling. We stopped taking family vacations with her but she displays this self focused behavior during visits to her house and car trips.

Will not stop talking. Will hand me magazines to take home but tells me to read them later. She then gets out a hand written list which prompts her to tell me everything on the list-usually about neighbors and relatives and people she knows. Exhaustively detailed information.

I mentioned to her long ago about how when one of my friends vacationed with her ILs, she loved nothing more than sitting on their back porch and reading, alone. My mom proclaimed that the height of rudeness.

We might be related! Mine keeps index cards handy with handwritten lists of stories about people I don’t know in case her monologue content wanes. It’s exhausting. I posted on the other thread about growing up in a house where we weren’t allowed to close doors during the day or have any personal downtime. No explanation for what creates a mindset like this, but it’s awful. If someone gets up to use the bathroom, she asks if they drank too much water or if they have an upset stomach. However, when she’s ready for iPad time, we are expected to maintain our positions and just…wait for her to come back. Woe to the sibling’s spouse who darts out for a run or a nap!

My happiest childhood memories are of visiting my aunt on my mom’s side. We would wake up early and read in her quiet house. She died when I was a child and I often wonder what my tween/teenage and adult years would have been like had she lived longer.

OMG! I think I might say "May I see that?" holding out my hand for the cards. I would examine them bemusedly, obviously trying not to laugh. "Huh. How sweet." Give them back. Hopefully she would get the idea that writing out lists of topics for a monologue IS NOT NORMAL.

I snatched a list away once and said “just let me read it”, and she let me and then said “now let me give you all of the details”, and kept going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

Okay. However, I still don't 'get' why you can't just sit there and do what they want to do. You're a guest in their house. You are visiting. Can't you flex a little and go along to get along? Why does it have to be your way or the highway? I don't understand people like you, so caught up in being you that you don't see that you're part of a larger framework. There is something wrong with you if you can't show your husband's parents a little grace while you're visiting them.

I can't be "on" for that long. I have been annoying older relatives by reading magazines since I was a child. The reason it's gotta be my way is because I am me, and my preferences matter! I spent decades feeling guilty about not satisfying other people, and I am done. My time is mine, and I will spend it the way I want to. I do not give a flying fig about the opinions of people who think my time isn't mine.

Factually though, I owe my employer my working hours. I owe my children the time it takes to care for them, and my spouse is owed a certain amount of time and attention too. Everyone else? That is a relationship that is a dance. You want to dance, and I don't? Sorry, we're not dancing. I do not owe it to you. You are an adult, you can figure out what to do if I don't want to dance.

The relatives I had who felt strongly about this issue are dead, would be in their 90s/100+ years if they were alive. So I am somewhat surprised to hear this as a current complaint. The Boomers I know are not like this. I am Gen X, perhaps the first "offending" generation. Gen X would never tell you that you can't slip away to read a book.