S/O: 'Magazines are rude' families--what's your deal?

[Anonymous]

In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

[Anonymous]

That is why I have imaginary work emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, 1/2 my family were chatters. People were welcome to do their own thing (read, take a walk, etc.) but we mostly had so much fun hanging out, chatting, and being silly, that that’s where you wanted to be.

The other side of the family were game players. There was usually a game going (most often 84 which is a domino game for four people, but also other domino games, Uno, Racko, Mille Bournes, Chinese Checkers, and Skip-Bo). People chatted for hours as they played, but you better not let it slow the game. Doing your own thing was not only fine, but as there usually weren’t enough places for everyone to play, it let new players rotate in for a turn to give others a break, and kids were expected to entertain themselves, at least until they got old enough to play with the adults, but they were low seniority and only got to play if the adults didn’t have enough players.

Maybe you could offer a group activity as a compromise between endless chatting and solitary time. Suggest a game (preferably one that can accommodate a crowd), start a puzzle, suggest a movie night, invite everyone along on a walk, or on an outing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Not what you asked, but after one round of "I'm on vacation, and after spending the morning chatting, now I want to read my magazine on the deck, and since vacations are about relaxing and indulging that's what I'm going to do," I wouldn't vacation with them ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but after one round of "I'm on vacation, and after spending the morning chatting, now I want to read my magazine on the deck, and since vacations are about relaxing and indulging that's what I'm going to do," I wouldn't vacation with them ever again.

OP here. LOL. That's...not how it goes, at least with my ILs. It's more like:

[On day 3 of being together under the same roof:]
"Where's Sally?"
"Oh, I think she took her book to the deck on the main floor."
"Why? What's wrong? Why doesn't she want to chat with us?"
"I think she's just really wanting to finish 'Percy Jackson'...nothing's wrong."
"Well that was rude!"

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people feel the point of the visit is to see and spend time with each other, and that time is limited. That is, for them it's a visit not a vacation. I definitely like my own downtime but I have had these thoughts when my parents come to stay with us and then spend the day on their devices. Like, why even come here then?

Then you also have the people who are just very extroverted, and bored when left to their own devices. I have a relative like this, who is deeply hurt when people don't want togetherness. She is truly lonely and bored in her everyday life, despite multiple clubs and standing phone dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but after one round of "I'm on vacation, and after spending the morning chatting, now I want to read my magazine on the deck, and since vacations are about relaxing and indulging that's what I'm going to do," I wouldn't vacation with them ever again.

OP here. LOL. That's...not how it goes, at least with my ILs. It's more like:

[On day 3 of being together under the same roof:]
"Where's Sally?"
"Oh, I think she took her book to the deck on the main floor."
"Why? What's wrong? Why doesn't she want to chat with us?"
"I think she's just really wanting to finish 'Percy Jackson'...nothing's wrong."
"Well that was rude!"

“Well Mom, that’s your opinion and you know what they say about opinions…”

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Sounds miserable! I don’t know if anyone whose in-laws are like that, but I have sympathy. That’s untenable. I would disregard their unusual request for constant togetherness & not look back.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are that way, funny thing is they have the TV blasting the entire time flipping through sports events and movies they've seen hundreds of times. They have accepted that I am "a little rude" and must "not like them" Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but after one round of "I'm on vacation, and after spending the morning chatting, now I want to read my magazine on the deck, and since vacations are about relaxing and indulging that's what I'm going to do," I wouldn't vacation with them ever again.

OP here. LOL. That's...not how it goes, at least with my ILs. It's more like:

[On day 3 of being together under the same roof:]
"Where's Sally?"
"Oh, I think she took her book to the deck on the main floor."
"Why? What's wrong? Why doesn't she want to chat with us?"
"I think she's just really wanting to finish 'Percy Jackson'...nothing's wrong."
"Well that was rude!"

"Why? Is there something you need to tell her? Can it wait until she sees how Percy gets out of this one?"

I have a family member who thinks vacations should be divided between golfing and listening to how insightful they are and how perfect one of their kids is. And there's no gold at Christmas. I spend a lot of time reading, and if they insist on my attention during a monologue, I provide a brief, "Sorry, what?" followed by an noncommittal "Oh. Huh." Then I return to my book, feeling as though maybe I was rude . . . until a few minutes later they do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but after one round of "I'm on vacation, and after spending the morning chatting, now I want to read my magazine on the deck, and since vacations are about relaxing and indulging that's what I'm going to do," I wouldn't vacation with them ever again.

OP here. LOL. That's...not how it goes, at least with my ILs. It's more like:

[On day 3 of being together under the same roof:]
"Where's Sally?"
"Oh, I think she took her book to the deck on the main floor."
"Why? What's wrong? Why doesn't she want to chat with us?"
"I think she's just really wanting to finish 'Percy Jackson'...nothing's wrong."
"Well that was rude!"

Ha, my inlaws are like this but my mil would ask if I am demon possessed if I was reading something like that. If it's a relationship type book, I must be having an affair. She actually said I don't live in the real world because I read fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

[Anonymous]

I would not be back to visit such controlling people.
Thank goodness none of my relatives, in-laws or friends think that way!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the anxious ILs, a poster said that, in her family, sitting around and reading a book or magazine is considered to be rude. (Her words.)

My ILs are like this. They think that even during multi-day visits in their home or a shared beach house or in our home, that everyone needs to be sitting around "chatting" at all times. People who leave the room are rude; people who read books or magazines are rude; people who want to go for a walk or run an errand without inviting absolutely everyone along to join are rude. We see them multiple times a year--at their house, our house, and in vacation locales that we equally pay for. After YEARS, my husband and I basically established that he can be held captive by them all he wants, but the kids and I are going to read a magazine if we want to, go for a walk or run to the grocery store alone if we want to, or go to a different room to watch TV or make a phone call if we want to.

If your family is the sit in a circle and stare type, what is your deal? Why is it rude for people to relax and do their own thing during visits, especially during holidays or vacations when you are supposed to be relaxing?

I think it is HOW you do it, not what you're doing. Frankly, you sound pretty aggressive about your position so I can see how that might translate to the other people if you act the way you're posting here. Someone who quietly slips away with a "I am in the middle of a great book and I can't wait to see what happens next. I'll be reading out on the porch. Let me know when I can come help start dinner with you!" is much different than the person who grabs a magazine and starts whipping through it wildly while shooting the side eye and grimacing like they are constipated. In general, how you do something matters more to me than what you do.

OP here. That's not how it is, really. I was literally warned by my SIL (who I met before my ILs) while DH and I were still dating--not even engaged--that this was A Thing. There is no graceful exists, there is no acceptable excuse, there's no social nicety that eases this dynamic. DH, SIL and SIL's husband and I tried for YEARS to crack the code with no (or little) hurt feelings. It just wasn't do-able. I tried lines exactly like the one you suggested, and it always and still has been met with, "What's wrong?" or "Why?" or "But we're supposed to BE together!"

So now, my kids and I do say the nice things and do exercise social niceties, but since there is no "acceptable" way to do it, we just accept that...they're going to think something's wrong, they are going to think we're rude, they are going to think we're not "being together" even if we literally just want to watch "Home Alone" after dinner, after a full day of being together, talking or doing the same activities, since breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but after one round of "I'm on vacation, and after spending the morning chatting, now I want to read my magazine on the deck, and since vacations are about relaxing and indulging that's what I'm going to do," I wouldn't vacation with them ever again.

OP here. LOL. That's...not how it goes, at least with my ILs. It's more like:

[On day 3 of being together under the same roof:]
"Where's Sally?"
"Oh, I think she took her book to the deck on the main floor."
"Why? What's wrong? Why doesn't she want to chat with us?"
"I think she's just really wanting to finish 'Percy Jackson'...nothing's wrong."
"Well that was rude!"

Yeah, after that happened one time we wouldn't vacation with them again.