If you are 35+ how long Did it take you to conceive?
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Anonymous
| 5 months at 30, 3 months at 36. |
Anonymous
Sorry are you trying to say they aren’t meaningfully more common in your mid 30s than your 20s? |
Anonymous
I think that's what the PP is trying to argue, based on her sample size of her close friends. There's really no point in engaging with that level of absurdity. |
Anonymous
+1, I think it's weird when people act like miscarriages are this rare marker of infertility. They aren't. A miscarriage is a pregnancy and can often mean that things are working appropriately. The most common medical response to a miscarriage is "ok, so we know you can conceive, let's keep trying and see if the next is viable." Most miscarriages are not a sign of some underlying problem, it just means that pregnancy didn't take for some reason but the next might. 10-20 percent of known pregnancies result in miscarriage, but doctors assume the real number is higher because (1) some women likely miscarry before they realize they are pregnant and actually think it's just a bad period, and (2) some women feel shame around miscarriage and don't tell anyone. The more time you've spent trying to get pregnant, the more likely you are to have miscarriages. A woman with 3-4 kids is more likely to have had a miscarriage therefore. She has 3-4 kids -- she's not infertile. Miscarriage should be talked about more but I actually think we should be less dramatic about it. Women who miscarry should receive proper medical care and time off to recuperate (it can be painful and even dangerous, plus I've heard horror stories of women whose insurance didn't cover their hospital visit for a miscarriage because once the pregnancy was no longer viable it was no longer covered by their prenatal coverage, which is enraging). But a lot of women will talk about their miscarriages like it marks them, or means they "struggled" to get pregnant. I'm not going to tell anyone how to feel about their own experience, but I don't personally consider a miscarriage or two before a viable pregnancy to be a struggle. IME personal experience and what I know from other women, it's incredibly common. |
Anonymous
DP but yes of course miscarriage is more common in your mid 30s than your 20s. However, importantly, more women in their mid 30s are actively trying to get pregnant, too. The estimate that about 10% of pregnancies age 25-20 end in miscarriage. That's a lot! By the time you hit 45, that number rises to over 50%. Everything else is along a continuum. Age increases your likelihood of miscarriage. BUT part of the problem with the way it is often framed (as a sign of infertility) is that this is really not usually what a miscarriage tells us. It just means that specific pregnancy wasn't viable, but it doesn't tell us that woman is infertile. It likely reflects the viability of the zygote. Maybe some issue with the egg, or the sperm or the zygote itself. In this way, miscarriages can actually be viewed as beneficial -- it's the body's way of saying "nope, this one isn't going to work out, try again." It might not be fun but it's not a tragedy. The vast majority of miscarried pregnancies are likely for the best (obviously I'm talking about spontaneous miscarriage and not those that can be caused by external reasons like physical injury, which are a very small percent of miscarriages). It's just frustrating when people talk about miscarriage like it's a sign there is something "wrong". Usually nothing is wrong. Usually a miscarriage is followed by a healthy pregnancy. |
Anonymous
I've literally never heard anyone talk about one, maybe two, miscarriages as a sign that something is wrong. I think everyone in the over-educated DCUM population knows and agrees with what you are saying. Regardless of what people know and intellectually understand, miscarriage can be very emotionally difficult for some women. The odds of going through multiple miscarriages, not just one or two, before a successful pregnancy goes up the older you and your eggs get. You can both understand that something is "normal" and find it hard and want to avoid it. Have some compassion, PPs. |
Anonymous
You don't sound very sorry at all. You actually sound quite pleased with yourself. I'm also someone who got pregnant naturally quickly twice in my late 30s, and I think your attitude is harsh and unscientific. Many women our age do struggle. Also, if you're the same poster who was defensive about secondary infertility because your kids had a 4 year age gap, you sound insecure. When I was pregnant with my first, several people asked if I did IVF. It was nosy but they didn't mean any harm; they were asking because they had friends who did need IVF at this age. |
Anonymous
| I had secondary infertility and the one commonality among everyone I knew going through it was just the shock that it could happen to them. Most of us conceived our first child easily and never saw it coming. Yes, most people have kids easily in their mid to late 30s. Maybe it takes a few months longer than before or maybe they have a loss or two, but they end up with their second or third without needing interventions. But not everyone, and the longer you wait the higher the risk that you could be one of the unlucky ones. It's a game of chance and no lifestyle or family history can protect you from drawing the short end of the stick. |
Anonymous
But let me add, all of that to say that 3 months at age 36 is absolutely normal, OP. Make sure you're timing ovulation correctly with OPK tests, not just a generic fertility app. I bet you'll get pregnant in the next 3 months, but if not, schedule an appointment with an RE for a basic workup and semen analysis. Even if there is an issue, almost everyone I know who DID have fertility issues ended up finding success. But 3 months is nothing and way too soon to worry. |
Anonymous
I am not without compassion. I have compassion for anyone who goes through this, as I have gone through it and know it can be hard. But I know numerous women in the "DCUM demographic" have had a single miscarriage while trying to conceive and told me that they thought "something is wrong" and it was a sign they'd never have a baby. Like I've had this conversation numerous times. Miscarriage sucks, but it is normal. And to say you "want to avoid it" -- the point is that you could do everything right and still not avoid it. My sister had multiple miscarriages at 27 and thought she'd never have a viable pregnancy. She went on to give birth to three healthy kids. Miscarriage is common, normal, and not a sign of infertility. It's so weird to me that we still can't seem to acknowledge this. The two worst things about miscarriage are (1) it can be painful or at least physically uncomfortable, depending on how far along you are, and (2) it is deeply disappointing when you are trying to get pregnant because it feels like having the rug pulled out from under you. There's nothing we can do about the first thing beyond provide care and support. But the second? We can help with that considerably by reiterating for women everywhere: miscarriage is common, normal, and not a sign of infertility. |
Anonymous
How did our education system get so bad that grown women are so uneducated on their own reproductive health? It's really sad. PP, it's fine to argue in support of educating and normalizing miscarriage as part of the reproductive process. Agree and totally on board with that. It's quite another thing to minimize or flat our deny the risk of miscarriage and other fertility issues with increasing maternal age. You or another PP literally said "the struggles are a lie." As my first grader would say, "seriously, man? I mean, come on!" And a loss is more than disappointing to some. It's an actual loss and people grieve. Not everyone, and not every loss, but if you think you can stop people from feeling grief with more (accurate and apparently needed) information, then you really need to work on your empathy. |
Anonymous
| 3mo at 32, 8mo at 35. No miscarriages |
Anonymous
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4 pregnancies in my mid/late 30s:
Pregnancy #1 @ 35 - 2nd try Pregnancy #2 @ 36 - 1st try, miscarriage @11 weeks Pregnancy #3 @ 37 - 1st try, gave birth right after I turned 38 Pregnancy #4 @ 39 - wasn't trying, miscarriage right around 6 weeks I also had an accidental pregnancy my freshman year of college that ended in a very traumatic miscarriage right around 12 weeks. Although I felt a confusing mix of grief and relief, you can bet I assumed something was wrong with me that would impact my future fertility. Neither of my miscarriages in my 30s felt quite as terrible. |
Anonymous
Very helpful response. |
Anonymous
| Once I went on metformin, 2 months @37, 1 month @41. |