Anonymous wrote:I’m about to turn 36 and we have been TTC for 3 months now. I’m scared it’s not happening.
Started trying at 34, had my first IVF at 35. Overall it took 5 years and 10 IVFs , over 20 transferred embryos before I had a baby. Severe endometriosis and pour egg quality.
And you probably would have had the same issues in your 20s.
Probably not actually because one of the main issues was egg quality. MOST women have decent enough egg quality through their late 30s, but I and a minority of others have a drop off in egg quality earlier. For me, it was somewhere between age 32-34. I had the same issues as PP at 34, but no issues when I was trying for my first kids in my late 20s and early 30s. I just wouldn't have known if I had waited until 34 to try for my first, like many in the DC area.
3 months at 39. Didn’t ovulate for the beginning 2 cycles (according to my Temp Drop) and then it happened the third cycle when I confirmed ovulation. Feel so lucky it happened quickly and naturally!
Miscarriage at age 34, finally conceived 18 months later. Tried again, but couldn't get pregnant. Accepted that I would only have one child. I regret not starting earlier.
Anonymous wrote:I had multiple miscarriages before conceiving, both at 33 and 36. Even though I did ultimately have a live birth both times, the losses were hard and I wish people were more upfront about the likelihood of more emotionally difficult losses in this age range.
I'm very sorry for your losses but some of us can't be up front about that because it never happened to us. I got pregnant about two months after we started trying when I was 35 and I had the baby at 36, and the same when I was 38/39. It was easy peasy, no fertility struggles. I feel the opposite of you -- the internet tells you it will be so hard, you're so old, blah blah but I and my good friends had no trouble at all having babies at 35+ The struggles are a lie. Your miscarriages are just genetics, PP. Again, very sorry for your losses.
You just don’t know about the people that struggled. It happens and is certainly not a lie, people just keep quiet about it.
You're absolutely right -- NO ONE talks about miscarriages in their 20s. They are far more common than any woman wants to believe. THAT is the real lie - that everyone thinks it's super easy for women in their 20s, but the thing is they have miscarriages and struggle with fertility all the time and they just DON'T TALK ABOUT IT because they worry people will think there's something wrong with them, because they're in the 20s and are supposed to be in prime fertility. It's like this -- MISCARRIAGES HAPPEN ALL THE TIME TO EVERY ONE AT ALL AGES.
Not sure about the bias part. But otherwise:
-completely agree. The high rate of miscarriage really needs to be talked about a whole lot more. It should be common knowledge for everyone.
Look, it’s always devastating.
But it’s made far more devastating because people believe (falsely) it’s rare or something.
Let’s use education to take some of the power out of this common occurrence.
1st try at 37. 2nd took two tries at 40. I have a very regular cycle so I just made sure to have sex during my ovulation window. First time I just wanted to see what would happen if we tried once and the next month I didn’t have my period so I knew I was pregnant which I confirmed at 10 weeks at obgyn.
Anonymous wrote:I had multiple miscarriages before conceiving, both at 33 and 36. Even though I did ultimately have a live birth both times, the losses were hard and I wish people were more upfront about the likelihood of more emotionally difficult losses in this age range.
I'm very sorry for your losses but some of us can't be up front about that because it never happened to us. I got pregnant about two months after we started trying when I was 35 and I had the baby at 36, and the same when I was 38/39. It was easy peasy, no fertility struggles. I feel the opposite of you -- the internet tells you it will be so hard, you're so old, blah blah but I and my good friends had no trouble at all having babies at 35+ The struggles are a lie. Your miscarriages are just genetics, PP. Again, very sorry for your losses.
You just don’t know about the people that struggled. It happens and is certainly not a lie, people just keep quiet about it.
You're absolutely right -- NO ONE talks about miscarriages in their 20s. They are far more common than any woman wants to believe. THAT is the real lie - that everyone thinks it's super easy for women in their 20s, but the thing is they have miscarriages and struggle with fertility all the time and they just DON'T TALK ABOUT IT because they worry people will think there's something wrong with them, because they're in the 20s and are supposed to be in prime fertility. It's like this -- MISCARRIAGES HAPPEN ALL THE TIME TO EVERY ONE AT ALL AGES.
Sorry are you trying to say they aren’t meaningfully more common in your mid 30s than your 20s?
DP but yes of course miscarriage is more common in your mid 30s than your 20s. However, importantly, more women in their mid 30s are actively trying to get pregnant, too.
The estimate that about 10% of pregnancies age 25-20 end in miscarriage. That's a lot! By the time you hit 45, that number rises to over 50%. Everything else is along a continuum. Age increases your likelihood of miscarriage.
BUT part of the problem with the way it is often framed (as a sign of infertility) is that this is really not usually what a miscarriage tells us. It just means that specific pregnancy wasn't viable, but it doesn't tell us that woman is infertile. It likely reflects the viability of the zygote. Maybe some issue with the egg, or the sperm or the zygote itself. In this way, miscarriages can actually be viewed as beneficial -- it's the body's way of saying "nope, this one isn't going to work out, try again." It might not be fun but it's not a tragedy. The vast majority of miscarried pregnancies are likely for the best (obviously I'm talking about spontaneous miscarriage and not those that can be caused by external reasons like physical injury, which are a very small percent of miscarriages).
It's just frustrating when people talk about miscarriage like it's a sign there is something "wrong". Usually nothing is wrong. Usually a miscarriage is followed by a healthy pregnancy.
I've literally never heard anyone talk about one, maybe two, miscarriages as a sign that something is wrong. I think everyone in the over-educated DCUM population knows and agrees with what you are saying. Regardless of what people know and intellectually understand, miscarriage can be very emotionally difficult for some women. The odds of going through multiple miscarriages, not just one or two, before a successful pregnancy goes up the older you and your eggs get. You can both understand that something is "normal" and find it hard and want to avoid it. Have some compassion, PPs.
I am not without compassion. I have compassion for anyone who goes through this, as I have gone through it and know it can be hard.
But I know numerous women in the "DCUM demographic" have had a single miscarriage while trying to conceive and told me that they thought "something is wrong" and it was a sign they'd never have a baby. Like I've had this conversation numerous times.
Miscarriage sucks, but it is normal. And to say you "want to avoid it" -- the point is that you could do everything right and still not avoid it. My sister had multiple miscarriages at 27 and thought she'd never have a viable pregnancy. She went on to give birth to three healthy kids.
Miscarriage is common, normal, and not a sign of infertility. It's so weird to me that we still can't seem to acknowledge this. The two worst things about miscarriage are (1) it can be painful or at least physically uncomfortable, depending on how far along you are, and (2) it is deeply disappointing when you are trying to get pregnant because it feels like having the rug pulled out from under you. There's nothing we can do about the first thing beyond provide care and support. But the second? We can help with that considerably by reiterating for women everywhere: miscarriage is common, normal, and not a sign of infertility.
How did our education system get so bad that grown women are so uneducated on their own reproductive health? It's really sad.
PP, it's fine to argue in support of educating and normalizing miscarriage as part of the reproductive process. Agree and totally on board with that. It's quite another thing to minimize or flat our deny the risk of miscarriage and other fertility issues with increasing maternal age. You or another PP literally said "the struggles are a lie." As my first grader would say, "seriously, man? I mean, come on!" And a loss is more than disappointing to some. It's an actual loss and people grieve. Not everyone, and not every loss, but if you think you can stop people from feeling grief with more (accurate and apparently needed) information, then you really need to work on your empathy.
I never said miscarriages don't increase with age. In fact I provided statistics on how they do increase with age. Don't get upset with me because you are unhappy with another PP.
I never said people shouldn't grieve. I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE MISCARRIAGES. I grieved them. What I'm saying is that you can have a miscarriage at literally any age, and in fact they are not that uncommon even when you are at peak fertility in your 20s (when 1 in 10 pregnancies still end in miscarriage). I am the friend who is bringing you soup and and flowers if you have a miscarriage because it sucks. What I am saying is that if you have a miscarriage, it does not mean you will struggle to get pregnant, that there is anything remotely wrong with your fertility, or that you need to jump into IVF or look into adoption (unless that's what you want). Miscarriage is normal. Miscarriage is common. That doesn't mean don't have empathy for someone going through one (please have empathy for women going through miscarriage). I'm saying that having a few miscarriages before conceiving a viable pregnancy that results in a healthy baby is not infertility. It's fertility. It's normal. It happens all the time. You are in good company. Don't despair.
NP here. You're correct. However, it's a bit stressful when it happens to older women who are looking to get pregnant rapidly. No one is to blame, but in circles where women marry later and conceive later, there is this atmosphere of "you can get pregnant at any age"... which is not reality. Past the mid-30s, it is much harder to conceive, statistically speaking. And there are a lot of educated women who don't quite grasp the realities of that, and understand that interventions are costly, invasive and don't always work (and could potentially have serious side effects). My friends and my cousins are all in that group.
Different np.
Agree; it’s not helpful to cheerfully spout “you can get pregnant at any age.” To me a better approach is to acknowledge someone when she opens up about a miscarriage, take it seriously and don’t downplay, and let her know you hear her, are listening, and willing to talk (or listen) whenever she wants.
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