Grandparents annoying the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you set boundaries. You tell them how long they can stay and what the activities/time together is going to be. Step up, Op

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 10 snd 12 and although I’ve taught them to be polite, I can see why they’re getting sick of my parents. They come for very long visits even when I tell them to cut it down to a weekend (instead they stay for a whole week and expect to see the kids all the time). By they third day the kids start hiding from them because grandma keeps asking the same questions about school and grandpa just blasts the tv, gets mad at them for blocking it. I don’t expect the kids to see them every day they’re here of course. My parents choose to come for so long. That’s unreasonable and would probably result in fights. They don’t take them out much. There aren’t good museums near where they live. We’ve suggested movies but they can’t agree on them. Grandma still think the kids want to see babyish stuff and balks at the films the kids do want to see (too loud, too violet, no values!). So we’re at an impasse. They won’t back off even a bit. I always had a feeling this would happen. Neither of my parents have hobbies to share so it’s not like grandpa will take them fishing or grandma likes day camping. They literally do nothing.

Very long stay =/= one week

A very long stay is more like a month or three.

They stay in a hotel and not your house. What time do they come over and when do they leave?

What activities do your kids do after school?

Who made you boss? Where do you get off telling people what a long visit is? It really depends upon the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids and/or you don't have any after school activities? You are all home every day starting at 4pm? Sounds like you guys need some hobbies & activities

Agree, this is bizarre. What's it like to have nothing to do from 4 until bedtime with 10 and 12 year olds for an entire school week?! Do the kids normally just watch TV for hours on end?

NP. On nights that my kids don’t have Cub Scouts, they do homework, read, sometimes play with kids across the street, help with dinner (or set the table if it’s something complicated), and watch one TV show after dinner. I think your attitude that kids need “an activity” every night is bizarre! Whatever happened to enjoying home life?

It's dcum. If a three year old isn't signed up all week in activities, you'll be judged op. Ignore the nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The things that connected my grandmother and me were back scratches, card games and her teaching me how to cook. I also got my love of crossword puzzles for her. You need to figure out what connects your children to their grandparents.

The grandparents aren't trying. They insist on things being on their terms. Op needs to stop their too frequent visits. A week each month is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Kids are in school, of course. My parents have a lot of disposable income and will park at a hotel for a week, even more, and more or less sit around waiting to see the kids. My mother is laser-focused on seeing them but she wants it on her terms, i.e. sit at our house or in their hotel room. The kids do not enjoy this. She feels that because they showed up, I should be accommodating them and drop the kids off with her all week or let them park in our living room from 4 pm until the late evening. I've said no many times and yet she keeps doing things her way. They do this about once every other month. As soon as they leave, she's planning another visit. We've gone to see them as well but it's the same thing there. Just sitting around the livingroom.

My solution is that when my parents or my late MIL would come to visit, we would reserve the first 2-3 days to do activities with them. After that, we returned to the normal schedule and grandparents got to see the kids when they were available or tag along to activities. My mother and MIL both enjoyed coming to skating lessons and watching them skate or coming and sitting with me on the sidelines of soccer practice, chat with me and watch the kids. Then talk to the kids in the car to and from and at dinner.

The problem is that your parents are inflexible and you are enabling their inflexibility. You need to tell them when they come to visit that you will reserve X time for the kids to spend with them and then you will resume normal schedule and if they want to see the grandkids, they can tag along and come to their kids' events and socialize with you. If they don't want to do that, then they should plan for the shorter visit for the time you reserve. That is the compromise, X days that they get the way they want and then after that, the kids resume normal schedule. Your parents can decide whether they want to tag along or just go home and make it a shorter visit.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this helps but my favorite activities with grandparents at that age included:

Learning how to sew
Going on walks
Baking baking baking
Playing games like bingo and various card games, Monopoly which was one my parents never had patience for
Washing and waxing grandpa's car
Basic woodworking
Card making with rubber stamps
Making ornaments for the Christmas tree
Hearing about what my mom was like as a kid, particularly when she got into trouble!

You could suggest your kids to do interviews and record them, and then they can spend time editing the videos and showing grandparents cool tech tricks. Actually, that's the kind of thing that would get my kids' grandparents to leave early, if they had to learn how to use various computer programs, so win-win! They could take an Excel class together, lol.

For watching shows, maybe some nature documentaries like Planet Earth or some of the PBS ones could be interesting. Maybe a show about the years when the grandparents were children could make for interesting conversation. Like they may be too young for the Great Depression, but watching the American Girl movie about Kit and the Great Depression could lead to them taking about what their parents said about that time.

Or you could have them work together to batch cook a bunch of freezer meals for your upcoming "busy month at work."

And sometimes it's okay just to exist in the same space doing different activities. I used to try to heavily schedule grandparent visits, but realized that they're okay sitting together on the couch with their books while my kids read their own.

Also, anytime grandparents stay for a week, DH and I try to go out for at least one date night. Each kid could have a friend over one night. One of my kids is requested to go over to our neighbor's every time they have grandparents in town because my kid asks a ton of questions and their friend's grandparents love talking with her. They send her greeting cards for all the holidays now!

[Anonymous]

Either set them up w/ some activities everyone enjoys doing (board game? puzzle? helping cook dinner? I don't know...) or else put your foot down about the length and frequency of the visits. Also, are you saying your parents stay in a hotel when they visit and not in your house? If so, take the kids over there and let the kids go to the hotel pool w/ grandma supervising. That gives your mom time w/ the kids but the kids don't really have to entertain her and your dad can stay in the hotel room and watch tv or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family all sits around for a whole week with no work or school or activities trying to find things to do to entertain grandparents? Sure, sounds legit.

NP, sounds like my parents and their visits (or our visits there). You should actually be happy that you have no idea about these situations.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Since your kids are youngish, I'm still assuming they have some open time in the evening. So I would suggest they spend meal prep + dinner, then they are free to do "homework." (Doesn't matter if they actually have any). Otherwise, dinner + cleanup, and then off to homework. At dinner, you can help steer the conversation and make sure it's more than a rendition of school and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll try to facilitate more. At some point time snd age will call the shots. There are cultural issues here, too. Things were easier when grandparents had 30 grandchildren and could barely keep track of them. Now the only two grandchildren get an unbelievable amount of attention that borders on unhealthy: one time all those crazy kids annoyed the old folks- now, it’s reverse.

A week long visit 6 times a year isn’t unhealthy or an “unbelievable amount of attention”. You being this dramatic about it probably isn’t helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family all sits around for a whole week with no work or school or activities trying to find things to do to entertain grandparents? Sure, sounds legit.

Um, DP, but this is believable. Some grandparents aren't into hobbies and aren't super active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll try to facilitate more. At some point time snd age will call the shots. There are cultural issues here, too. Things were easier when grandparents had 30 grandchildren and could barely keep track of them. Now the only two grandchildren get an unbelievable amount of attention that borders on unhealthy: one time all those crazy kids annoyed the old folks- now, it’s reverse.

A week long visit 6 times a year isn’t unhealthy or an “unbelievable amount of attention”. You being this dramatic about it probably isn’t helping.

I believe the focus directly on the kids without actually engaging them is an "unbelievable amount of attention." I guess you've never seen situations where kids are expected to entertain their grandparents. Its' a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll try to facilitate more. At some point time snd age will call the shots. There are cultural issues here, too. Things were easier when grandparents had 30 grandchildren and could barely keep track of them. Now the only two grandchildren get an unbelievable amount of attention that borders on unhealthy: one time all those crazy kids annoyed the old folks- now, it’s reverse.

A week long visit 6 times a year isn’t unhealthy or an “unbelievable amount of attention”. You being this dramatic about it probably isn’t helping.

NP, I would not be able to handle people staying in my house for a week at a time every other month, especially if the visits created a stressful/uncomfortable situation for my nuclear family. Sucking it up every 3-4 months, maybe, but every other month, oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll try to facilitate more. At some point time snd age will call the shots. There are cultural issues here, too. Things were easier when grandparents had 30 grandchildren and could barely keep track of them. Now the only two grandchildren get an unbelievable amount of attention that borders on unhealthy: one time all those crazy kids annoyed the old folks- now, it’s reverse.

A week long visit 6 times a year isn’t unhealthy or an “unbelievable amount of attention”. You being this dramatic about it probably isn’t helping.

NP, I would not be able to handle people staying in my house for a week at a time every other month, especially if the visits created a stressful/uncomfortable situation for my nuclear family. Sucking it up every 3-4 months, maybe, but every other month, oh hell no.

That’s your issue though, which is totally fine and everyone can set the boundaries they want. Declaring these grandparents have some kind of unhealthy obsession with their grandkids is a bit much. They sound like normal old people to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that you invite them for a long weekend and be VERY CLEAR at the invite stage that as of Monday/Tuesday/whenever the kids go back to school, you will be back in your normal routine. It’s great that they stay in a hotel. Send them a schedule in advance:
“Friday night: we’d love for you to join us for dinner. Afterwards, We have a family movie night. Caitlyn will be choosing the movie.
Saturday: We are taking the kids to the Mall to see Santa/to a botanical garden/to an indoor gym with a few friends. We would love for you to join us and then we can all go out to lunch.
Sunday: We are attending church/Iman’s soccer tournament/an art gallery, then lunch out
Monday: we booked a pedicab tour of the monuments/tickets to the latest marvel flick/a slot at a paint your own pottery studio then lunch out
Tuesday we are back to the old grindstone, but let me know if you need a ride to the airport.!”

For the weekend days, have an Outing, then take them to lunch. Then for the afternoons, have shifts that you assign the kids in advance. E.g., if you are home from lunch around 2, then you have dinner at 6:30, have Kid A sit around the living room with grandparents 2-4, then kid B is on duty 4-6, then from 6-6:30 everyone helps make dinner and has a nice meal together. After dinner kids are excused for bath/homework/getting ready for bed and you and DH entertain until whatever time (9?).

From Tuesday onward no one will sit with them in the living room at all. You are all doing what you would normally do. You don’t have to lock them out but they can be a bump on a log without any catering to or encouraging that.

The goal is to reward them with a wonderful weekend if they stay the preferred amount of time and participate in group activities. If they refuse to do either, they will have limited time with the kids and a crappy visit. Let them experience the results of their choices instead of protecting them from it.