Grandparents annoying the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this helps but my favorite activities with grandparents at that age included:

Learning how to sew
Going on walks
Baking baking baking
Playing games like bingo and various card games, Monopoly which was one my parents never had patience for
Washing and waxing grandpa's car
Basic woodworking
Card making with rubber stamps
Making ornaments for the Christmas tree
Hearing about what my mom was like as a kid, particularly when she got into trouble!

You could suggest your kids to do interviews and record them, and then they can spend time editing the videos and showing grandparents cool tech tricks. Actually, that's the kind of thing that would get my kids' grandparents to leave early, if they had to learn how to use various computer programs, so win-win! They could take an Excel class together, lol.

For watching shows, maybe some nature documentaries like Planet Earth or some of the PBS ones could be interesting. Maybe a show about the years when the grandparents were children could make for interesting conversation. Like they may be too young for the Great Depression, but watching the American Girl movie about Kit and the Great Depression could lead to them taking about what their parents said about that time.

Or you could have them work together to batch cook a bunch of freezer meals for your upcoming "busy month at work."

And sometimes it's okay just to exist in the same space doing different activities. I used to try to heavily schedule grandparent visits, but realized that they're okay sitting together on the couch with their books while my kids read their own.

Also, anytime grandparents stay for a week, DH and I try to go out for at least one date night. Each kid could have a friend over one night. One of my kids is requested to go over to our neighbor's every time they have grandparents in town because my kid asks a ton of questions and their friend's grandparents love talking with her. They send her greeting cards for all the holidays now!

NP, and while these are all great ideas, the fact is that OP has a schedule and routine that work for her family, and grandparents are imposing upon that regularly. It shouldn’t be on her to structure extended grandparent time every 6 weeks. It would be fine if the kids enjoyed it, because the time would just melt into regular life, but it’s not. As it is, she has two extra people in her house to feed and entertain, all while keeping the regular household routine rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family all sits around for a whole week with no work or school or activities trying to find things to do to entertain grandparents? Sure, sounds legit.

Um, DP, but this is believable. Some grandparents aren't into hobbies and aren't super active.

This is a common complaint from a lot of people I know when it comes to grandparents. They seem to have no real interests and no ability to plan any sort of activities for the grandkids. My kids are bored out of their minds after a weekend with the grandparents.

My dad complains that we have too many friends. We should spend our time sitting at home gossiping, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family all sits around for a whole week with no work or school or activities trying to find things to do to entertain grandparents? Sure, sounds legit.

Um, DP, but this is believable. Some grandparents aren't into hobbies and aren't super active.

This is a common complaint from a lot of people I know when it comes to grandparents. They seem to have no real interests and no ability to plan any sort of activities for the grandkids. My kids are bored out of their minds after a weekend with the grandparents.

My dad complains that we have too many friends. We should spend our time sitting at home gossiping, apparently.

THIS 1000%. My parents do absolutely nothing with my DD when they spend time with her. And then get mad if she acts bored. My in laws are not this way at all though.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have this difficulty. But I wonder if this is cyclical. What did you do with grandparents? Also, what are your expectations as grandparents.

My kids don’t necessarily like to go to grandparents house. They used to, but as they get older, they don’t like to go outside and play in the woods. Admittedly, there is less of interest to do for high schooler than there is at home.But, the relationship is important, so I set expectations. My parents and ILs were wonderful when DC were younger. Grandparents are older now and have less capabilities and interested that intersect with kids. Now it is time to return the favor. Kids can be bored and sacrifice their time to maintain a connection with grandparents.

[Anonymous]

First step I'd do is move the visits to 3-4 times a year, not 6 times a year. That alone will help immensely.

If they want to start planning their next visit, push them off and say you have to review your calendar. Blame work, or projects or school field trips that "haven't been set yet, but I'll let you know".

Less frequent visits and a bit more ignoring the annoying comments when they do visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids and/or you don't have any after school activities? You are all home every day starting at 4pm? Sounds like you guys need some hobbies & activities

Agree, this is bizarre. What's it like to have nothing to do from 4 until bedtime with 10 and 12 year olds for an entire school week?! Do the kids normally just watch TV for hours on end?

NP. On nights that my kids don’t have Cub Scouts, they do homework, read, sometimes play with kids across the street, help with dinner (or set the table if it’s something complicated), and watch one TV show after dinner. I think your attitude that kids need “an activity” every night is bizarre! Whatever happened to enjoying home life?

So, they do almost nothing. There's your problem.

LOL. Cub scouts and dance every weekend, but OK. My kids are happy and well-rounded. Perfect grades in school and healthy. I’m sorry you don’t enjoy having your kids in the house with you.

NP. My kids did not have activities every day after school. They are both in college and doing well academically and socially. I did not buy into the overscheduling.

[Anonymous]

OP stop trying to control everything by being so codependent Tell your kids they have no obligation to visit with their grandparents unless they want to and only for as.long as.they feel like. If you can't stop your parents from visiting stop waiting on them hand and foot. find something else to do outside the house if necessary. Stop caring so much about what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Kids are in school, of course. My parents have a lot of disposable income and will park at a hotel for a week, even more, and more or less sit around waiting to see the kids. My mother is laser-focused on seeing them but she wants it on her terms, i.e. sit at our house or in their hotel room. The kids do not enjoy this. She feels that because they showed up, I should be accommodating them and drop the kids off with her all week or let them park in our living room from 4 pm until the late evening. I've said no many times and yet she keeps doing things her way. They do this about once every other month. As soon as they leave, she's planning another visit. We've gone to see them as well but it's the same thing there. Just sitting around the livingroom.

This sounds totally normal. Why not just give them some direction for how to interact with the kids? “Hey mom/dad, you know what the kids would really enjoy…”. And if she doesn’t want to do it, say “ok, well that’s what’s we’re doing Saturday. You guys are welcome to join!”

OP here. I do reaize this was also a lot easier when a grandchild was 10 and grandma was in her early 60s. My parents are in their mid-70s and can't handle a lot of stuff. My parents were from a culture where you literally sit around a dining table gossiping for hours. They want to do the same with kids but the kids are tired of it. They do not want to change. They want grandparenting to be a spectator sport at this point.

Yeah, your parents spent 18 years+ with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family all sits around for a whole week with no work or school or activities trying to find things to do to entertain grandparents? Sure, sounds legit.

Um, DP, but this is believable. Some grandparents aren't into hobbies and aren't super active.

This is a common complaint from a lot of people I know when it comes to grandparents. They seem to have no real interests and no ability to plan any sort of activities for the grandkids. My kids are bored out of their minds after a weekend with the grandparents.

My dad complains that we have too many friends. We should spend our time sitting at home gossiping, apparently.

THIS 1000%. My parents do absolutely nothing with my DD when they spend time with her. And then get mad if she acts bored. My in laws are not this way at all though.

My in-laws complain that the grandkids are on screens all the time when they visit. But, they don't plan anything for the kids to do, and their house is not kid-friendly. What do they expect will happen after the kids have been sitting around with nothing to do?

[Anonymous]

It is YOUR house and YOUR family. Be strong and set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Unless your parents are abusive in anyway, your children will cherish the time they have with their grandparents later in life when they were adults. They will not think about the negatives but focus on the positives and only remember the positives most likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is YOUR house and YOUR family. Be strong and set boundaries.

+1

I couldn’t agree more. Set boundaries. It sounds like it is more of your problem than your children’s. Do not hide behind your children. Own your feelings. It’s not fair to your children to use them as a means to an end. “ my kids don’t wanna be around their grandparents so much“

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll try to facilitate more. At some point time snd age will call the shots. There are cultural issues here, too. Things were easier when grandparents had 30 grandchildren and could barely keep track of them. Now the only two grandchildren get an unbelievable amount of attention that borders on unhealthy: one time all those crazy kids annoyed the old folks- now, it’s reverse.

A week long visit 6 times a year isn’t unhealthy or an “unbelievable amount of attention”. You being this dramatic about it probably isn’t helping.

NP, I would not be able to handle people staying in my house for a week at a time every other month, especially if the visits created a stressful/uncomfortable situation for my nuclear family. Sucking it up every 3-4 months, maybe, but every other month, oh hell no.

Not to mention that upthread, OP says that the grandparents stay in a hotel...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is YOUR house and YOUR family. Be strong and set boundaries.

+1

I couldn’t agree more. Set boundaries. It sounds like it is more of your problem than your children’s. Do not hide behind your children. Own your feelings. It’s not fair to your children to use them as a means to an end. “ my kids don’t wanna be around their grandparents so much“

It sounds like the kids are pretty happy with the forced grandparent visits. We have a relative that was constantly inviting herself over, injecting herself and expecting us to send the kids over to her fr her entertainment. Our kids hated it and begged to stop going. We tried first to set boundaries, say no politely and maintain the relationship without forcing the kids to hang out with her. It didn’t work as she threw an absolute fit. We ended up no contact and are happier without her driving us nuts.

You don’t have to go to this level but you do need to start saying no. One f the mistakes that I made with this relative was giving in to demands and letting her in when she just showed up. You have to say no and stick to it. If they drive up anyway and stay in a hotel you still say no to sending the kids over there for hours. If they ignore your explicit response that you aren’t available then they can entertain themselves in their hotel on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is YOUR house and YOUR family. Be strong and set boundaries.

+1

I couldn’t agree more. Set boundaries. It sounds like it is more of your problem than your children’s. Do not hide behind your children. Own your feelings. It’s not fair to your children to use them as a means to an end. “ my kids don’t wanna be around their grandparents so much“

It sounds like the kids are pretty happy with the forced grandparent visits. We have a relative that was constantly inviting herself over, injecting herself and expecting us to send the kids over to her fr her entertainment. Our kids hated it and begged to stop going. We tried first to set boundaries, say no politely and maintain the relationship without forcing the kids to hang out with her. It didn’t work as she threw an absolute fit. We ended up no contact and are happier without her driving us nuts.

You don’t have to go to this level but you do need to start saying no. One f the mistakes that I made with this relative was giving in to demands and letting her in when she just showed up. You have to say no and stick to it. If they drive up anyway and stay in a hotel you still say no to sending the kids over there for hours. If they ignore your explicit response that you aren’t available then they can entertain themselves in their hotel on their own.

Typo should be kids are pretty unhappy