Disciplinary action or not? Any Tips?

[Anonymous]

I think you should disclose it and give all the facts. Anyone reading it would be sympathetic to your child, OP. It does seem over the top as a punishment for what she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I think the first school let your dd withdraw EXACTLY so she wouldn’t have to report it as a dismissal or expulsion and that is the end of it.

But the wild card is the recommendation from the teacher at the school. OP’s dd doesn’t know if the teacher is planning to say anything about it in her letter so she’s taking a gamble by not disclosing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

OP has been honest. You guys just weirdly don’t accept the details of what happened.

It all makes perfect sense for those who are familiar with boarding school.

Boarding schools routinely ban students from attending extracurricular activities for a single instance of being just a minute or two late to class? That doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for anyone.

[Anonymous]

I think it will really depend on the wording of the question. It sounds like the school essentially avoided taking disciplinary action by allowing her to withdraw. If the question is only asking whether any formal disciplinary action was taken, I believe you can safely respond no. You could also confirm with the school that they agree with your understanding.

Not sure why everyone here is trying to demonize OP. Sounds like a boarding school. Wishing your child well. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

OP has been honest. You guys just weirdly don’t accept the details of what happened.

It all makes perfect sense for those who are familiar with boarding school.

Boarding schools routinely ban students from attending extracurricular activities for a single instance of being just a minute or two late to class? That doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for anyone.

Not sure if op is a troll making this up as she goes along or just leaving out a ton of relevant details, but the story lacks internal consistency.

[Anonymous]

A smell a rotten fish with the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it will really depend on the wording of the question. It sounds like the school essentially avoided taking disciplinary action by allowing her to withdraw. If the question is only asking whether any formal disciplinary action was taken, I believe you can safely respond no. You could also confirm with the school that they agree with your understanding.

Not sure why everyone here is trying to demonize OP. Sounds like a boarding school. Wishing your child well. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance.

I think people may just be frustrated with OP that she’s not being fully candid about what happened. Why waste everyone’s time soliciting advice that turns out to be incorrect because you didn’t provide full information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally separate from any admissions implications, it really does seem like you are downplaying this incident, and I wonder what message that sends to your DD. It sounds like first she skipped out on a detention imposed for a (minute) rules violation, then lied about it, then doubled down on her lies. That’s really not the same as attending a social event when she was supposed to be studying.

I am totally against lying and was primed to think the school was justified. But what school holds detention at the same time as a school dance? That seems overly punitive and a recipe for disaster. If that’s what happened, I’d have no problem spinning it. I would explain to her that her lying had consequences and she paid the price, but it seems with the school disclosure that they are giving her an out so that they will take on applications. But I would also check about the disciplinary question and if couldn’t get around it, then she can address in her essay. The facts, imo, are outrageous and speak for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it will really depend on the wording of the question. It sounds like the school essentially avoided taking disciplinary action by allowing her to withdraw. If the question is only asking whether any formal disciplinary action was taken, I believe you can safely respond no. You could also confirm with the school that they agree with your understanding.

Not sure why everyone here is trying to demonize OP. Sounds like a boarding school. Wishing your child well. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance.

I think people may just be frustrated with OP that she’s not being fully candid about what happened. Why waste everyone’s time soliciting advice that turns out to be incorrect because you didn’t provide full information?

You all are getting too hung up on details that aren’t necessary, especially given this person is posting about their child.

The crux is the fact that the school didn’t take disciplinary action. Now, if an application question asks if the student was ever asked to withdrawn in lieu of disciplinary action, that may require a different response. It’s all going to depend on the phrasing of the question in terms of what/how to disclose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it will really depend on the wording of the question. It sounds like the school essentially avoided taking disciplinary action by allowing her to withdraw. If the question is only asking whether any formal disciplinary action was taken, I believe you can safely respond no. You could also confirm with the school that they agree with your understanding.

Not sure why everyone here is trying to demonize OP. Sounds like a boarding school. Wishing your child well. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance.

I think people may just be frustrated with OP that she’s not being fully candid about what happened. Why waste everyone’s time soliciting advice that turns out to be incorrect because you didn’t provide full information?

In what way wasn’t OP candid. I understood the issue clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it will really depend on the wording of the question. It sounds like the school essentially avoided taking disciplinary action by allowing her to withdraw. If the question is only asking whether any formal disciplinary action was taken, I believe you can safely respond no. You could also confirm with the school that they agree with your understanding.

Not sure why everyone here is trying to demonize OP. Sounds like a boarding school. Wishing your child well. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance.

I think people may just be frustrated with OP that she’s not being fully candid about what happened. Why waste everyone’s time soliciting advice that turns out to be incorrect because you didn’t provide full information?

You all are getting too hung up on details that aren’t necessary, especially given this person is posting about their child.

The crux is the fact that the school didn’t take disciplinary action. Now, if an application question asks if the student was ever asked to withdrawn in lieu of disciplinary action, that may require a different response. It’s all going to depend on the phrasing of the question in terms of what/how to disclose.

It is necessary because no one believes that being two minutes late one time led to a detention that led to the kid being told to leave the school. Boarding school or not, nothing described would lead to the penalty of being pushed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it will really depend on the wording of the question. It sounds like the school essentially avoided taking disciplinary action by allowing her to withdraw. If the question is only asking whether any formal disciplinary action was taken, I believe you can safely respond no. You could also confirm with the school that they agree with your understanding.

Not sure why everyone here is trying to demonize OP. Sounds like a boarding school. Wishing your child well. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance.

I think people may just be frustrated with OP that she’s not being fully candid about what happened. Why waste everyone’s time soliciting advice that turns out to be incorrect because you didn’t provide full information?

You all are getting too hung up on details that aren’t necessary, especially given this person is posting about their child.

The crux is the fact that the school didn’t take disciplinary action. Now, if an application question asks if the student was ever asked to withdrawn in lieu of disciplinary action, that may require a different response. It’s all going to depend on the phrasing of the question in terms of what/how to disclose.

It is necessary because no one believes that being two minutes late one time led to a detention that led to the kid being told to leave the school. Boarding school or not, nothing described would lead to the penalty of being pushed out.

Again, all we really need to know is there was some type of infraction. School then gave student option to withdraw, which they did.

[Anonymous]

It would be a good idea for you to hire an experienced college counselor who can help guide you.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Just buy your kid into whatever college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

My reading is that your daughter lied 3 times to 3 different adults about the same incident while skipping detention to attend a dance at her boarding school. This is more than a single lapse in judgment; her judgment lapsed four times.

If my reading is correct, then expulsion is the appropriate punishment. Allowing her to withdraw from the school was a gift.

If you disclose, disclose fully. Be aware that deliberately being untruthful multiple times is worse than academic dishonesty on a single occasion. And academic dishonesty is a serious rules violation. Although your daughter's behavior does not involve academic dishonesty, I think that her transgressions will be viewed in a serious manner by selective colleges and universities. FWIW I know of specific cases of academic dishonesty (cheating) at elite boarding schools and the students ended up at a top 25 public National University and another ended up at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. However, I do not know whether or not there was any disclosure of the academic dishonesty.

I have no recommendation because you need guidance from one with specific knowledge of all facts and variables.