Disciplinary action or not? Any Tips?

[Anonymous]

Drug or alcohol offense. Our school lets kids withdraw for that.

[Anonymous]

Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

[Anonymous]

So what was the nature of the tardiness? Seems like a harsh punishment for being two minutes late to class because she couldn’t find her book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

[Anonymous]

It’s very risky not to disclose if she’s getting a letter of recommendation from a teacher at the school. If the teacher assumes your daughter disclosed it, they may refer to it in the recommendation letter in a way that is intended to be helpful (e.g., discussing why they believe the incident isn’t reflective of her character) bit that actually tanks your daughter’s applications because colleges will know she withheld something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I misled you by the nature of my original post but that was not intended. The omission was not a lie. She really was supposed to be at study hall detention (for being tardy) when she decided instead to go to the school dance and lied about it. Thats all that happened. No cheating, No stealing, No sex or anything else at a dance or any of the other suggestions that have been posted. She messed up by lying because she wanted to be at the dance with her friends and she lied about it. When confronted, she pannicked and lied again but when confronted with the evidence she told the truth and apologized and then it went downhill. It WAS a 1st offense like I said previously and the school confirmed that much. They also confirmed that this was the singular reason for this action and was "advised to withdraw". Although she was wrong we thought it was a little heavy handed but she broke their school rules and "some adults in the community lost faith in her". She is living with the consequences. She is no angel but honestly those are the facts.

The school will not have anything about this in her records and a teacher from the school is writing a letter of recommendation for college on her behalf. They said they "allowed" her to withdraw so we can control the narrative and told us that if asked they will say the family withdrew and any questions should be directed to us. I do not want to lie and know the importance of having her take responsibility for her actions but I also want to know how best to position this to give her a chance. She is very remorseful and working hard to move beyond this.

I appreciate all your comments and thank you for you insights. I welcome any additional input.

Schools have nighttime detentions? Or daytime dances?

MY confusion as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

OP has been honest. You guys just weirdly don’t accept the details of what happened.

It all makes perfect sense for those who are familiar with boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

OP has been honest. You guys just weirdly don’t accept the details of what happened.

It all makes perfect sense for those who are familiar with boarding school.

+1 I went to boarding school and it makes sense to me based on my experience. I remember a kid that left my school over something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

First, I do believe OP. Second, the pl to whom I was responding demanded to know, for herself, not for the purpose of helping OP:

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

Which I find completely over the top for the offense.

[Anonymous]

OP -

I think the first school let your dd withdraw EXACTLY so she wouldn’t have to report it as a dismissal or expulsion and that is the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skipping detention and lying about it is certainly more serious than skipping "studying" as you said in your first post. Seems she came by her proclivity for "omissions" honestly!

The whole thing seems more laughable than anything. This school clearly has a big stick up there "back". I wouldn't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Wtf? She’s a teen who did something stupid and dishonest (as teens often do.) get out of here with how specifically is she going to make amends! She did something wrong and was punished-whether she regrets it on her heart is anyone’s guess (I hope she does and is more mature now) but I hardly think we need to pretend like she’s committed a grievous error which only through abject shame she can come back from. I hope your kids are little and you don’t have actual teens yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry that some on this thread have resorted to name calling. However the facts are:

My original post should have said “should have been in detention studying” instead of “should have been studying”. I apologize for that omission. Detention at the school involves going to study hall for the evening to study while others have free time. This evening happened to be a school dance. I hope this is clearer.
DD was assigned detention for tardiness
Detention was held on campus during the school dance (it’s a boarding school if that helps)
She went to the dance and lied to the proctor and two other adults about her whereabouts

I already admitted that it was wrong and am not trying to downplay the issue. She violated school rules, acknowledges it was terrible and apologized for it. While I don’t condone lying, admit she screwed up majorly, and applied punishment of our own after she returned home, I still offer some grace and I didn’t think it warranted a withdrawal in lieu of dismissal but it was the school’s prerogative to do as they wished.

I really came to this forum looking for some guidance and amidst all this, have managed to get some very useful advice which we will take to heart and thank you all for your comments. I wont hang on to technicalities and will make sure her narrative is honest, more complete and clear as this issue is not necessarily disqualifying.

Her transcript has nothing Salacious to report.

Was this bad, yes, it was a lapse in judgement which she has learned from and continues to work through but does a lapse in judgement albeit a lie she told to multiple adults make her evil, I don’t think so. She has shown remorse and will certainly not lie again. She now understands that when you join a community you promise to abide by their rules and if you don’t, you suffer the consequences which she clearly has, and has learned from her mistakes.

I’m sorry she lied despite knowing better, but I have chosen to extend some grace to her and will stand by her as she learns to navigate this and other challenges in life.

Here is what any college will ask next. And I want to know too.

What tangible actions has she taken to demonstrate remorse? How, specifically, has she made amends? How has she demonstrated that she learned her lesson? What steps has she taken that make you believe she understands the importance of honor codes?

I see you extending grace, explaining, apologizing, and, frankly, lying. Absent from this is what *your child* did make restriction and show that she understands the gravity of her error. Because what you call grace sounds like you sympathizing with her about the punishment being too hard and moving heaven and earth to avoid this impacting college. What about her character? What has SHE (not you) done to improve that?

Not OP, but just want to chime in to say screw you, OP does not owe you or other posters an explanation. OP’s kid screwed up and has paid the price for that. Kids make dumb mistakes; they are kids. It is not a capital crime. OP, I’m glad you got some good advice. Good luck to your daughter.

DP. No one here can give OP reliable advice if OP is not honest about the facts of the matter.

OP has been honest. You guys just weirdly don’t accept the details of what happened.

It all makes perfect sense for those who are familiar with boarding school.

Well, boarding school was my first thought but then I couldn't believe that a parent who paid for boarding school hadn't also paid for a private college counselor. OP, talk to your college counselor.