Disciplinary action or not? Any Tips?

[Anonymous]

Skipping detention and lying about it is certainly more serious than skipping "studying" as you said in your first post. Seems she came by her proclivity for "omissions" honestly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say not to disclose. This is exactly what the school was doing. They were helping you by making it a non-disclosable event (kid of like when people settle something with an NDA). Take it and move on.

This pp makes an ok point. You absolutely, unequivocally should not lie. However, if she want actually suspended then you don’t have to say she was. You’re in dangering of pulling a jimmy carter/I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times. But again , the wording of the question matters and you should definitely not lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say not to disclose. This is exactly what the school was doing. They were helping you by making it a non-disclosable event (kid of like when people settle something with an NDA). Take it and move on.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Totally separate from any admissions implications, it really does seem like you are downplaying this incident, and I wonder what message that sends to your DD. It sounds like first she skipped out on a detention imposed for a (minute) rules violation, then lied about it, then doubled down on her lies. That’s really not the same as attending a social event when she was supposed to be studying.

[Anonymous]

^ meant minor, not minute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was asked to withdraw from school for lying. She was at a school sponsored social event when she should have been studying and told the same lie about her whereabouts to multiple adults in her private high school. We thought it was harsh punishment for a 1st offence but bc she lied, put herself in the situation and certainly learnt her lesson!

How do we present this to colleges so they can still give her a fair chance especially since she has grown and learnt from her mistake. The school "gave us the option" to withdraw for breaking a school code in leiu of dismissal but I suspect colleges understand that not all withdrawals are voluntary especially happening middle of 11th grade. Her transcript reads "withdrawn" as we left mid semester. She finished out the year with excellent grades at another school and is doing well there.

We were going to narrate the circumstances, show complete remorse and take full responsibility including how she has grown since the incident. Do we report this as a disciplinary action or do we just explain the incident in the additional details section of the application? I dont want to make a bad situation worse than it needs to be but want to be truthful and report it however we need to. Id appreciate the guidance if anyone knows. How do colleges react to these types of incidents and what are the important points to consider.

It isn’t a harsh punishment. I am sorry you raised your kid to be a liar. No one likes liars and colleges have honor codes too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you just don’t come off as honest or as having taken responsibility. The first post lied (study is not detention) the second minimized the detention (she’s been an angel, but she was late to class once).

I agree. The school gave her a gift in letting her withdraw. Take it and stop talking. You are not doing yourself any favors.

Confirm with prior school and current school that they do not believe there was a disciplinary infraction. Each school has a separate question on this, and some may say “withdraw in lieu of disciplinary action”.

Also, you DD needs to contact the reference from the prior school and confirm she can write a *positive* reference. Most teachers will decline to write if they can’t. But some won’t. And she has to rate your kid on character traits, as well as academic. How will she rate your kid on “honest and trustworthy”.

If there is any question she might need to address this, hire a private college counselor to help you navigate what to disclose and how. Do NOT DIY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I misled you by the nature of my original post but that was not intended. The omission was not a lie. She really was supposed to be at study hall detention (for being tardy) when she decided instead to go to the school dance and lied about it. Thats all that happened. No cheating, No stealing, No sex or anything else at a dance or any of the other suggestions that have been posted. She messed up by lying because she wanted to be at the dance with her friends and she lied about it. When confronted, she pannicked and lied again but when confronted with the evidence she told the truth and apologized and then it went downhill. It WAS a 1st offense like I said previously and the school confirmed that much. They also confirmed that this was the singular reason for this action and was "advised to withdraw". Although she was wrong we thought it was a little heavy handed but she broke their school rules and "some adults in the community lost faith in her". She is living with the consequences. She is no angel but honestly those are the facts.

The school will not have anything about this in her records and a teacher from the school is writing a letter of recommendation for college on her behalf. They said they "allowed" her to withdraw so we can control the narrative and told us that if asked they will say the family withdrew and any questions should be directed to us. I do not want to lie and know the importance of having her take responsibility for her actions but I also want to know how best to position this to give her a chance. She is very remorseful and working hard to move beyond this.

I appreciate all your comments and thank you for you insights. I welcome any additional input.

Schools have nighttime detentions? Or daytime dances?

[Anonymous]

OP there is more here which you aren't disclosing so we can't help you. No school has detentions at times when a school dance is. More importantly, no school asks a student to withdraw for missing detention especially when it is due to being tardy.

It seems that there is something significant on her transcript and you are worried she so going to have to disclose it. It really depends on where she is applying. Large mid tier state schools generally won't care. If she has her heart set on a certain school and it is smaller and/or has a pretty extensive application she should be truthful. Which is probably hard considering you can't be truthful on an anonymous website.

[Anonymous]

You’re a big liar

[Anonymous]

Best bet is say nothing. You’ve taken two cracks at spinning this and are just raising everyone’s hackles. This is beyond your ability. It’s unlikely your DC can do better. Omit, and hope at least one school doesn’t notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skipping detention and lying about it is certainly more serious than skipping "studying" as you said in your first post. Seems she came by her proclivity for "omissions" honestly!

+1. Apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there is more here which you aren't disclosing so we can't help you. No school has detentions at times when a school dance is. More importantly, no school asks a student to withdraw for missing detention especially when it is due to being tardy.

It seems that there is something significant on her transcript and you are worried she so going to have to disclose it. It really depends on where she is applying. Large mid tier state schools generally won't care. If she has her heart set on a certain school and it is smaller and/or has a pretty extensive application she should be truthful. Which is probably hard considering you can't be truthful on an anonymous website.

It makes more sense if this was a boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there is more here which you aren't disclosing so we can't help you. No school has detentions at times when a school dance is. More importantly, no school asks a student to withdraw for missing detention especially when it is due to being tardy.

It seems that there is something significant on her transcript and you are worried she so going to have to disclose it. It really depends on where she is applying. Large mid tier state schools generally won't care. If she has her heart set on a certain school and it is smaller and/or has a pretty extensive application she should be truthful. Which is probably hard considering you can't be truthful on an anonymous website.

It makes more sense if this was a boarding school.

Still, dance before 6pm? 9pm detention while a dance is going on— for one tardy?

Nope.

Care to try again OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there is more here which you aren't disclosing so we can't help you. No school has detentions at times when a school dance is. More importantly, no school asks a student to withdraw for missing detention especially when it is due to being tardy.

It seems that there is something significant on her transcript and you are worried she so going to have to disclose it. It really depends on where she is applying. Large mid tier state schools generally won't care. If she has her heart set on a certain school and it is smaller and/or has a pretty extensive application she should be truthful. Which is probably hard considering you can't be truthful on an anonymous website.

It makes more sense if this was a boarding school.

Still, dance before 6pm? 9pm detention while a dance is going on— for one tardy?

Nope.

Care to try again OP?

If it’s more the boarding school equivalent of being grounded, it may be that part of her punishment was to spend the evening in her room or in an supervised study space while the dance was going on. But I agree with you that it would be a sever consequence for one tardy, so odds are OP isn’t being honest about her daughter’s disciplinary history and/or the severity of the tardy (e.g., if she was “tardy” because she snuck out the night before, got drunk, and then was too hungover to go to class the next morning.