Accepting the possibility of long-term singlehood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the comments here read like you're closeted LGBTQIA+. Maybe you haven't even figured it out or admitted it to yourself. One or two of the comments sounds quite a lot like someone that might be demisexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

And? So they'll figure out they're demisexual and stay single. What does it matter?

Nothing is the matter but if they've never heard of the term, it can be helpful in understanding themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the comments here read like you're closeted LGBTQIA+. Maybe you haven't even figured it out or admitted it to yourself. One or two of the comments sounds quite a lot like someone that might be demisexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

And? So they'll figure out they're demisexual and stay single. What does it matter?

Nothing is the matter but if they've never heard of the term, it can be helpful in understanding themselves.

Meh. Almost all women are "demisexual."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the comments here read like you're closeted LGBTQIA+. Maybe you haven't even figured it out or admitted it to yourself. One or two of the comments sounds quite a lot like someone that might be demisexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

And? So they'll figure out they're demisexual and stay single. What does it matter?

Nothing is the matter but if they've never heard of the term, it can be helpful in understanding themselves.

Meh. Almost all women are "demisexual."

Literally not true.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am in fact demisexual. I never considered this to be an impediment to having a partner, but I guess I should perhaps rethink that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Obviously I don’t know you so I mean this generally: You and OP find it impossible to love. You want to find Yourself in your partner, and no matter how superficially alike you are, when the Other inevitably emerges (ie. the part of that person that challenges you, grates on you, annoys, is imperfect, does not perfectly fit into what you want), you are unhappy and disengage.

I won’t call it narcissism per se, but it’s an inability to love anyone but one’s self. You guys are indeed better off alone, because that’s all you’re really capable of.

Lol. OK. I've been in a 20 year marriage and a 9 year relationship and both have cheated on me. But yeah, my problem is I don't know how to love.

Nowhere did you say anything about getting cheated on, trust, fidelity, or anything but “standards”. The previous posts were all about my standards, what I want, “me, me, me”. And when someone dares to suggest the problem perhaps lies within you, you immediately go on the defense and pull cheating out of your ass after the fact because now you’re the victim. Yes, sounds about right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the comments here read like you're closeted LGBTQIA+. Maybe you haven't even figured it out or admitted it to yourself. One or two of the comments sounds quite a lot like someone that might be demisexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

Wow!

I have never heard about this before.

I might be on some apectrum of this( I still need height though) I cannot relate to women being attracted to jerks because they are cute/ handsome. The moment you don't meet my character standards, the attraction is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am in fact demisexual. I never considered this to be an impediment to having a partner, but I guess I should perhaps rethink that.

I think it should be the reverse. You should be able to quickly detach from an ex and move on to another until you find someone with character traits you are looking for.

I am kind of like this and breaking up was always easy. So I did not waste time being " dickmatized". I had more opportunity to date and find the right person.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 36 year old single mom and definitely losing hope. All the good ones are already taken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.

Oh please. It’s the same thing for men but with weight. Most don’t want to feel like they’re tossing around a middle linebacker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Obviously I don’t know you so I mean this generally: You and OP find it impossible to love. You want to find Yourself in your partner, and no matter how superficially alike you are, when the Other inevitably emerges (ie. the part of that person that challenges you, grates on you, annoys, is imperfect, does not perfectly fit into what you want), you are unhappy and disengage.

I won’t call it narcissism per se, but it’s an inability to love anyone but one’s self. You guys are indeed better off alone, because that’s all you’re really capable of.

Lol. OK. I've been in a 20 year marriage and a 9 year relationship and both have cheated on me. But yeah, my problem is I don't know how to love.

Nowhere did you say anything about getting cheated on, trust, fidelity, or anything but “standards”. The previous posts were all about my standards, what I want, “me, me, me”. And when someone dares to suggest the problem perhaps lies within you, you immediately go on the defense and pull cheating out of your ass after the fact because now you’re the victim. Yes, sounds about right.

My point was obviously that you don't have enough information to "diagnose" me as unable to love.

[Anonymous]

I don’t just accept it, I embrace it. My last serious and long term relationship ended four years ago. I love my freedom now. If I want just sex I know where to find it, and my emotional and social needs are met by friends (both genders). I have no desire to be in a committed romantic relationship. Been there, done that several times.

Others feel differently, but there is room for happiness any path you take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t just accept it, I embrace it. My last serious and long term relationship ended four years ago. I love my freedom now. If I want just sex I know where to find it, and my emotional and social needs are met by friends (both genders). I have no desire to be in a committed romantic relationship. Been there, done that several times.

Others feel differently, but there is room for happiness any path you take.

+1

[Anonymous]

My cousin would like to find a nice guy to have a nice relationship with, but she recently broke up with a guy who liked to debate politics while listening to NPR and eating croissants on Saturday mornings. She just could not stand that he did not 100% agree with her admittedly relatively far left liberal views.

The guy enjoyed debating interesting political issues and assumed she did, too. They both went to good liberal arts colleges where the debate of ideas is encouraged- but my cousin sees debate as a challenge to her intellect, so she cut this guy loose. She’d rather be single then deal with someone who is her intellectual equal who enjoys a high level of debate.
I think she’s going to be single for a very. long. time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.

There are a lot of women like this so I don't think it's abnormal. I applaud this OR for articulating what most women feel - but won't say because it seems so incorrect today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.

Uhhhh, no. This probably describes most women, feeling more sexy when feeling more feminine. Certainly does me. Darwinism.