Accepting the possibility of long-term singlehood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am working on adopting a child by my 50s birthday. I don't want singlehood into my 60s and all women in my family were very active well into 80s. I pretty much gave up on men (but I was married for a long time, so perhaps it's just tiredness)

Good lord don’t do this to this child! A baby is not a backup plan. Do you think your child wants to grow up in a micro family with a mom who has difficulty making secure attachments? And then you’ll die when s/he’s twenty-five? Thirty? So selfish it’s almost pathological.

If you really want a parenting role and want to be a decent human too, become a foster parent and provide temporary housing for children in need. There are hundreds of thousands of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

It's not that I have high standards but that I am not desirable so have always been single. Well, except for one date I went on when I was almost 15. I've just known since my mid 20's that I was not going to have the traditional married-with-two-kids life. 46 now, and still true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am working on adopting a child by my 50s birthday. I don't want singlehood into my 60s and all women in my family were very active well into 80s. I pretty much gave up on men (but I was married for a long time, so perhaps it's just tiredness)

Good lord don’t do this to this child! A baby is not a backup plan. Do you think your child wants to grow up in a micro family with a mom who has difficulty making secure attachments? And then you’ll die when s/he’s twenty-five? Thirty? So selfish it’s almost pathological.

If you really want a parenting role and want to be a decent human too, become a foster parent and provide temporary housing for children in need. There are hundreds of thousands of them.

Oh shut up.

Secure attachments can happen outside of romantic/ sexual relationships.

PP may have very close friends and relatives.

[Anonymous]

I don't want someone who lies to me or uses or abuses me at least on a conscious level. Someone also who I can get along with and do some things together and enjoy a nice sex life. Even this seems hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want someone who lies to me or uses or abuses me at least on a conscious level. Someone also who I can get along with and do some things together and enjoy a nice sex life. Even this seems hard to find.

This should be possible to find if you run through partners quickly and with focus. You need to dump them as soon as you notice the red flags. People tend to stick around too long and doubt their initial judgment.

I remember everyone telling me that I was too picky when I was dating( Interestingly I was the least picky with looks, except for height). But if the person showed any signs of unkindness or sneakiness, I dumped and moved on.

When I finally found the one, everyone said "now we get it: what you were looking for is pretty obvious"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.

Me and 99.9% of women need help then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

I knew by my early thirties that I'd be single long term. I planned to be a single parent by choice but, after several years of trying, had to accept that it was not going to happen. I'm in my late forties now and I have no regrets.
I do have standards (I don't think they are that high; I meet all of them myself), but it's mostly that I have never been happy when I've been part of a couple.

[Anonymous]

I really hate being single.

I’d rather be single than in a bad relationship as I was previously, but I still hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate being single.

I’d rather be single than in a bad relationship as I was previously, but I still hate it.

I wouldn't say I hate being in a relationship but I certainly don't like it. I don't like talking all the time, I don't like having to negotiate and coordinate everything with another person, I don't like sharing my space. I've enjoyed having a friend/lover who I see on occasion, but any time it starts to go beyond that I feel like I can't spare the time and energy and like I'm losing my sense of self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.

Me and 99.9% of women need help then?

Don't bother with that PP.

We all need help. Nobody is perfect.

And while we are getting help( either through life experiences or therapy or whatever), we would still love to have sex. So we will have sex with the men/ women who have the physical attributes that we are currently attracted to.

[Anonymous]

Some of the comments here read like you're closeted LGBTQIA+. Maybe you haven't even figured it out or admitted it to yourself. One or two of the comments sounds quite a lot like someone that might be demisexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want someone who lies to me or uses or abuses me at least on a conscious level. Someone also who I can get along with and do some things together and enjoy a nice sex life. Even this seems hard to find.

OP here. This is exactly what I want. I find it hard to find. It’s the lying part that’s been challenging lately. I’d also add someone with good mental health. That has also been a stumbling block. I am very much capable of loving. But the last few times I’ve loved a partner he’s either been a cheater, had mental health issues he would not address, or both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the comments here read like you're closeted LGBTQIA+. Maybe you haven't even figured it out or admitted it to yourself. One or two of the comments sounds quite a lot like someone that might be demisexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

And? So they'll figure out they're demisexual and stay single. What does it matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am working on adopting a child by my 50s birthday. I don't want singlehood into my 60s and all women in my family were very active well into 80s. I pretty much gave up on men (but I was married for a long time, so perhaps it's just tiredness)

Good lord don’t do this to this child! A baby is not a backup plan. Do you think your child wants to grow up in a micro family with a mom who has difficulty making secure attachments? And then you’ll die when s/he’s twenty-five? Thirty? So selfish it’s almost pathological.

If you really want a parenting role and want to be a decent human too, become a foster parent and provide temporary housing for children in need. There are hundreds of thousands of them.

I want to adopt a 4-6 yo from my home country when I am 48-50. It won’t be a baby. Men have shorter life span than women and they have babies/second set of wives in their 50s all the time. I don’t want my only biological child to remain my own child all alone on this globe when I am gone. Plus, my adopted child will be well into 30s when I am most likely to die. He/she will be well adjusted just like my first biological child. Yes I have other relatives and want to have a family of my own. One child and a mom is already a family. It won’t prevent me from meeting my Mister Right in my 50s. I am not sensitive to men’s height (as along as he’s not too short). I donate to children foundations but fostering kids will be the same as my own child.