Accepting the possibility of long-term singlehood

[Anonymous]

Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

[Anonymous]

You didn't ask, but it seems often the case that people who say they have "high standards" often just have trouble being romantically close to people. It is a way to avoid closeness while maintaining a righteous (as opposed to dysfunctional) veneer. If you want to be in a relationship, try investigating why you feel you have such high standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't ask, but it seems often the case that people who say they have "high standards" often just have trouble being romantically close to people. It is a way to avoid closeness while maintaining a righteous (as opposed to dysfunctional) veneer. If you want to be in a relationship, try investigating why you feel you have such high standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You didn't ask, but it seems often the case that people who say they have "high standards" often just have trouble being romantically close to people. It is a way to avoid closeness while maintaining a righteous (as opposed to dysfunctional) veneer. If you want to be in a relationship, try investigating why you feel you have such high standards.

If you are OP, perhaps this response, and not the supposed high standards, is why you are single.

[Anonymous]

I am fifty-three & have had more than my share of bad relationships.

I definitely prefer to walk into the sunset alone vs. sharing my life w/someone who does not respect me or appreciate me.

I don’t think I have high standards.

Just want someone decent.
Without a rap sheet.
Someone who values integrity.
A sense of humor would be a bonus❣️

[Anonymous]

It just means you prefer to be alone rather than have to deal with flaws that irritate you.

Whereas a large portion of the population prefers the opposite.

Both are fine.

But please don't delude yourself that you have higher standards than others. No. You just weigh priorities differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just means you prefer to be alone rather than have to deal with flaws that irritate you.

Whereas a large portion of the population prefers the opposite.

Both are fine.

But please don't delude yourself that you have higher standards than others. No. You just weigh priorities differently.

NP. I don't see how those are different.

[Anonymous]

I am working on adopting a child by my 50s birthday. I don't want singlehood into my 60s and all women in my family were very active well into 80s. I pretty much gave up on men (but I was married for a long time, so perhaps it's just tiredness)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just means you prefer to be alone rather than have to deal with flaws that irritate you.

Whereas a large portion of the population prefers the opposite.

Both are fine.

But please don't delude yourself that you have higher standards than others. No. You just weigh priorities differently.

NP. I don't see how those are different.

Someone can have high standards but are willing to deal with flaws in order to compromise and find a partner. Others have no tolerance for flaws and don’t want to compromise. Those people stay single because there are few to none who can meet their standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just means you prefer to be alone rather than have to deal with flaws that irritate you.

Whereas a large portion of the population prefers the opposite.

Both are fine.

But please don't delude yourself that you have higher standards than others. No. You just weigh priorities differently.

NP. I don't see how those are different.

Someone can have high standards but are willing to deal with flaws in order to compromise and find a partner. Others have no tolerance for flaws and don’t want to compromise. Those people stay single[ b] because there are few to none who can meet their standards[/b].

Their...higher standards? lol. Semantics. You're just looking for a way to pay yourself on the back.

[Anonymous]

*pat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

I'm impressed you found anyone who checked all those boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Well damn, this description makes me wish I hadn't already accepted the long-term singlehood. Congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Well damn, this description makes me wish I hadn't already accepted the long-term singlehood. Congrats.

Amazing that she's nevertheless unhappy and disappointed. Really just shows you that "high standards" can be impossible to meet and either a cause or justification of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.