Accepting the possibility of long-term singlehood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't ask, but it seems often the case that people who say they have "high standards" often just have trouble being romantically close to people. It is a way to avoid closeness while maintaining a righteous (as opposed to dysfunctional) veneer. If you want to be in a relationship, try investigating why you feel you have such high standards.

This is my experience too. A few of my friends claim to just struggle to meet a match but for me, from the outside, it’s pretty obvious they’re sabotaging relationships to avoid meaningful closeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Well damn, this description makes me wish I hadn't already accepted the long-term singlehood. Congrats.

Amazing that she's nevertheless unhappy and disappointed. Really just shows you that "high standards" can be impossible to meet and either a cause or justification of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Where did I say I'm unhappy and disappointed? No, I said I'm putting up with some shady stuff on his part that I don't feel like getting into now. But when I have posted about it, DCUM was unanimous that I should dump him. Lol. Just goes to show how hard finding a truly good partner is!

[Anonymous]

I never considered “not overweight” to be a high standard, but it has made dating into DC difficult.

[Anonymous]

I am having a hard tike imagining someone eager to please some chick with “high standards”. Well, at least among vanilla people.

[Anonymous]

You've eliminated more than 85% of men based on height. When you add in your other requirements, I'm not surprised that you're finding it difficult to find a match. In addition, once you find this unicorn you must be what he's looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Obviously I don’t know you so I mean this generally: You and OP find it impossible to love. You want to find Yourself in your partner, and no matter how superficially alike you are, when the Other inevitably emerges (ie. the part of that person that challenges you, grates on you, annoys, is imperfect, does not perfectly fit into what you want), you are unhappy and disengage.

I won’t call it narcissism per se, but it’s an inability to love anyone but one’s self. You guys are indeed better off alone, because that’s all you’re really capable of.

[Anonymous]

I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Obviously I don’t know you so I mean this generally: You and OP find it impossible to love. You want to find Yourself in your partner, and no matter how superficially alike you are, when the Other inevitably emerges (ie. the part of that person that challenges you, grates on you, annoys, is imperfect, does not perfectly fit into what you want), you are unhappy and disengage.

I won’t call it narcissism per se, but it’s an inability to love anyone but one’s self. You guys are indeed better off alone, because that’s all you’re really capable of.

Lol. OK. I've been in a 20 year marriage and a 9 year relationship and both have cheated on me. But yeah, my problem is I don't know how to love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I was in my late 30s when I met/married my DH and, honestly, I was surprised that I met him. I was expecting to remain single my entire life and was okay with that. I don't think that I had such high standards but there were some things that I wouldn't/couldn't compromise on that I accept would make it difficult to find someone. I grew up in an abusive/dysfunction family of origin and worked really hard to get away from it. Not only would my partner have to accept the horror that was my background, he'd have to be emotionally available, non-toxic, self-sufficient and comfortable with an independent partner. I wasn't looking for a certain income, profession, degree, etc. If I wanted more money/prestige/lifestyle/etc., I expected to obtain it myself.

I didn't have much luck finding someone who was attracted to me and I felt was a good fit for me. It was regrettable but I had a good network of friends, including a number of single friends in my age range. These were/are great women and if they were single, there was certainly no shame in me being single! And, then I met my now DH. It didn't take long to realize he was the one.

[Anonymous]

Read /listen to Maria Shriver
Independent solo movement. It’s not lonely or loner, at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I married a nice guy just to get married and have kids in my mid 30s. Long-term singlehood is infinitely preferable, trust me. He knows he was there at the right time but that's cold comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

This is me too( I m 5'8" so not as tall). I am attracted to tall men. It is what it is. I don't feel sheepish because I have always known this.

I can compromise on a lot physically. But height is just not one of the compromises I can make.

Luckily for me, I can date an ugly one-eyed balding limping tall guy. But I will not date a very handsome shorter( I thought kit Harrington from Game of Thrones was very handsome until I realized he was my height: the attraction just disappeared).

I also find bald/ balding men very attractive.

Ironically, I am attracted to very feminine women too. It doesn't make sense. But it is what it is, and I just accept it.

I am married now, but if I were single, it will be tall guy, very feminine woman or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with high standards accept the possibility of long-term singelhood coming with the territory? If so, how did you accept? What are some of your standards you find hard to meet?

Maybe I shouldn't answer because I've never actually tried dating (married first boyfriend, divorced, slept with a couple people I knew IRL, now been with my boyfriend for 9 years). But I find I'm putting up with a lot more shady behavior from my boyfriend than I ever thought I would because I feel so pessimistic about replacing him.

I am attracted to so few people. After this boyfriend, I have new shallow requirements that I've discovered are key to a great sex life for me. So he must be over 6 feet, muscular, and well-endowed. At age 45+, that's already a rarity. Then must click mentally in all the ways -- liberal, atheist, logical. Then our lifestyles have to mesh -- laidback but responsible, self-sufficient adult but not uptight workaholic, no young kids. Then all the bonus stuff, like similar taste in music, movies, TV shows, restaurants, amount of socializing, senses of humor.

And I alluded to it earlier but the sexual chemistry is hugely important for me at this stage in my life after a long sexless marriage. It's hard to find all of these personality traits in one person to just be FRIENDS with, much less to find all of them in a person whose bones you also want to jump.

And the truly demoralizing part is realizing I wouldn't have even found this boyfriend on a dating app because he didn't even self-identify accurately when it comes to politics and religion so I would've screened him out. Also I am a low-energy introvert, so I am not willing to go on a million random dates. Ugh no. So if it doesn't work out with guy, I imagine I'd be permanently single.

Obviously I don’t know you so I mean this generally: You and OP find it impossible to love. You want to find Yourself in your partner, and no matter how superficially alike you are, when the Other inevitably emerges (ie. the part of that person that challenges you, grates on you, annoys, is imperfect, does not perfectly fit into what you want), you are unhappy and disengage.

I won’t call it narcissism per se, but it’s an inability to love anyone but one’s self. You guys are indeed better off alone, because that’s all you’re really capable of.

Nailed it. Describes so many single women I know in their 40s and 50s.

I think it’s fear of abandonment. Any differences are threatening and a sign she is about to be abandoned. So my armchair diagnosis would be a mix of BPD and narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do prefer my man to be well endowed (or at least mid sized and able to hold it long with quick recovery time). But I am 5’8 and ok with him being same height . I only had 2 BFs before my exH and they were all 6’ at least and well endowed. I was courted by shorter men in my 20s and didn’t feel hugely uncomfortable being talker but it never got to s… x stage. I have no clue how big they were in bed and overly shorter men didn’t court men as much as taller men.

From women who had high body count, is P size correlated to height ? Why is height so important for you ?

I'm 5'11". My ex H was 5'8". I told myself and everyone else that height didn't matter and I thought others were shallow for caring about it. I didn't want to have sex with my ex but I thought that was normal after a long relationship. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage and being with a guy taller than me that I finally learned what sustained attraction feels like. I feel sheepish admitting it but I need to feel feminine to feel sexy, and I don't feel feminine if I'm hulking over my man. Lesson learned, and dating pool further narrowed unfortunately.

I say this kindly but you need help.