Pushy in laws

[Anonymous]

If they are contacting you directly then respond bluntly that their incessant unrelenting unrealistic expectations for your family are not going to be tolerated. They are to cease contacting your children about this immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting to see that OP hasn’t responded to the posts about how she might be reacting emotionally to her husband’s interactions and how they might be contributing to his stress.

Ha this is op. We were eating breakfast sorry my response doesn’t suit you. I am not adding stress. They are stressing him out not me. I am venting here not to him.

I am having my own individual stress from this because I am now getting texts and my kids are telling me they’re getting texts from the pushy in-laws telling them they should come on the trip. So I have my own stress about this now because they are directly contacting me and directly contacting my kids. We can’t go on the trip. It’s a lot to ask. Nothing more to be sad about it. As I said they all don’t work and the other sibling is a multi millionaire that also doesn’t “work” in an office daily. He works remotely a few hours here or there playing golf with clients twice a week which is wonderful but it prevents him from being able to a daily job that requires one to be in the office such as my husband has. He doesn’t get the two weeks of vacation a year idea. Doesn’t get it or understand that flying 3000 miles is a big deal especially when there are no direct flights.

And when they send these texts, what exactly is your response. Go look on your phone and tell us exactly what you type back. We’ll wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck.

Need advise on how to handle this. Spouse has no backbone and won’t handle it. We will continue to get pleas and comments for the next year. Husband nw we told them we were not raising kids Jewish. He is not religious at all but they are. They don’t respect our decisions or religion. They don’t even say merry Christmas to me or kids. They only say happy holidays and only send hannukah gifts. How to handle such pushy people. We just went to see them this month across the country and they are already pressuring us for next visit. These are wealthy people that travel all over so they could easily see us here but choose not to and pressure us to come there. It’s exhausting.

While it would be nice, I think this is something you can let go. They do not celebrate Christmas, so why would they send Christmas gifts? I think it is fine for them to send Hanukkah gifts as a reflection of your DH’s and your children’s heritage. You can show the respect to their religion and customs that you would like them to show you. (for example, send Hanukkah gifts, wish them a Happy New Year on Rosh Hashanah …..’)

I would keep inviting them to visit whenever they pressure you to visit them.

When they bring up the trip, reiterate that you are still not coming, then change the subject. Make a list beforehand if you need to have a list of alternative subjects handy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting to see that OP hasn’t responded to the posts about how she might be reacting emotionally to her husband’s interactions and how they might be contributing to his stress.

Ha this is op. We were eating breakfast sorry my response doesn’t suit you. I am not adding stress. They are stressing him out not me. I am venting here not to him.

I am having my own individual stress from this because I am now getting texts and my kids are telling me they’re getting texts from the pushy in-laws telling them they should come on the trip. So I have my own stress about this now because they are directly contacting me and directly contacting my kids. We can’t go on the trip. It’s a lot to ask. Nothing more to be sad about it. As I said they all don’t work and the other sibling is a multi millionaire that also doesn’t “work” in an office daily. He works remotely a few hours here or there playing golf with clients twice a week which is wonderful but it prevents him from being able to a daily job that requires one to be in the office such as my husband has. He doesn’t get the two weeks of vacation a year idea. Doesn’t get it or understand that flying 3000 miles is a big deal especially when there are no direct flights.

And when they send these texts, what exactly is your response. Go look on your phone and tell us exactly what you type back. We’ll wait.

Are you okay? This is such a strange response. You sound almost psychotic and projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They will keep pushing you because you don’t directly say no. Sorry, we won’t be going to Israel, but have a great trip. Be direct.

Souse tried this but they keep pushing and now put his siblings on him to convince him to go. He has no backbone avoids conflict and it is making him a nervous wreck.

How about asking the siblings to stop because it’s affecting his mental health?

[Anonymous]

Tell them since you aren’t able to do that kind of trip because of work and college commitments, you were hoping they’d come to visit you. Every time they mention Israel you can say “So are you coming to us? We were really hoping for that. You haven’t come at all yet! Maybe it will still work out. Just let us know when you have the dates set! We’re really looking forward to you visiting us for the first time!!” Repeat over and over right back at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They will keep pushing you because you don’t directly say no. Sorry, we won’t be going to Israel, but have a great trip. Be direct.

Souse tried this but they keep pushing and now put his siblings on him to convince him to go. He has no backbone avoids conflict and it is making him a nervous wreck.

OK, so *you* speak up and tell them: “We have told you no—that is final. You pushing and refusing to accept and respect our decision is causing stress, and I won’t have that. If you cannot communicate with us without this constant harping over a decision that will not change, then we won’t be speaking with you until after your trip. Your choice.”

They go behind the scenes and bug my spouse without me being part of the convo. Now they are going behind our backs having their older kids whom my kids adore try to persuade our kids by telling them they will be the only ones not going. Every time we talk to them they say we need to come visit more and we should see them they all live in the same state by choice they were not raised there and it’s 3000 miles away and they expect us to come visit them multiple times a year yet they’ve never once come visit us here. And it’s not a money issue they are wealthy and have a lot of flexibility in their jobs unlike my spouse.

New poster. OP, the bold absolutely crosses a line. Sit down NOW with your husband and have this out. He and you need to say a very clear, firm no to the parents and the siblings as well, and your husband -- NOT YOU, your husband, however wimpy he may be -- must tell them all, "We are still getting asked so this is our final answer, and it's clear: No, we are not going on this trip. Please stop asking. Especially stop speaking to our kids about this trip. I know you have contacted our kids direclty to get them to convince us to come. Never do an end run around us like that again. Going around us to our kids about this crosses a line and uses them to try to get to us. Discussion about this trip is done. Have a nice time."

They keep bugging? They get the shortened version: "We told you the answer is no and that is not going to change between now and next summer. Please stop asking." Then change the topic.

And PLEASE, OP, talk directly to your kids ASAP. Reassure them that their relatives are wrong to pressure them as they have, and that it is fine for the kids simply not to respond to texts or emails or calls from their cousins if this is the topic. Tell them their cousins are unfortunately being used by their parents in a way that is not apprropriate. Note that you know your kids adore their cousins but your kids have major things next summer - it is your DD's last summer at home before college and your other child has big commitments, and it's wrong for the family to treat those things as if theyr'e unimportant.

The adults in this situation need to leave your kids the heck OUT of this and it's awful to use the cousins to pressure your kids.

But your DH absolutely MUST man up, FFS. You can help by sitting with him and scripting out what he will say together. I"m serious. Write. It. Down. Write down what he'll say when they inevitably say "Oh, you'll change your mind." Or: "Mom and dad might be dead soon and you won't make them happy by saying yes to this trip?!" and so on. Scrpit it and he does not deviate. If they try the "But you don't visit us enough and now you won't do this?!" card, he has to be ready for that too: "Sorry you feel that way. We visit as often as we are able. We are not coming on the Israel trip. You already have been told why so we're dropping this topic"

I say he must do this becuase it is his freaking job as the adult child of the problem parents (and apparently, problem siblings too). His family, his job, but you will have to help him, it seems.

Do not, do not, do not muddy the waters by dredging up things like "you travel all the time but don't visit us" or other grievances. They're legit for sure, but do not muddy this one issue of the Israel trip by dragging the;m into it. Be clear and simple: No to the trip. No, we will not change our minds. No, you should not have gone around us by having the cousins give our kids FOMO and guilt, and end runs like that need to stop. The adults talk to the adults, and don't use the kids to talk to each other about this. Our kids are not making this decision, WE ARE. And the decision is no now and that won't change. Pass the salt. How about those Nationasl?

[Anonymous]

These people are totally annoying, but I actually think you have a husband problem more than an in law problem. He needs therapy to stop caring so much what these people think. And he needs to learn how to say “no” without throwing you under the bus. And he needs to feel comfortable enough with his decisions to stand firm in them.

They ratchet up the pressure because they know he is a pushover.

And I would tell my husband this and tell him I’m not interested in hearing all his sturm and drang on this until he gets a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pressuring your kids who have no say in the decision is going way too far.

Surely at least the college age adult should have a say in the matter. Every college has multiple orientations so OP made that concern up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck.

The original post had the answer on why the OP DH family cannot attend 100% on a 10 trip to Israel. It could be 10 sequential days anywhere. spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days

Dates are irrelevant for OP and spouse given the 10 days. Dates are relevant for the daughter going to college in Aug 2023. The one other child of OP does competitive sports - travel teams not HS varsity. Let that one decide- college one is old enough to make a decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pressuring your kids who have no say in the decision is going way too far.

Surely at least the college age adult should have a say in the matter. Every college has multiple orientations so OP made that concern up.

This. Your almost adult kids are a part of the family and will start getting drawn into family drama (for good or ill). This is not like your MIL overriding what you want to to do with your five year old. This is an almost adult navigating his/her family. Totally different IMO.

[Anonymous]

Don't give them the reasons you can't go. That's the worst mistake. Just repeat you won't be there anytime they bring it up. Or ignore and change the subject. Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck.

The original post had the answer on why the OP DH family cannot attend 100% on a 10 trip to Israel. It could be 10 sequential days anywhere. spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days

Dates are irrelevant for OP and spouse given the 10 days. Dates are relevant for the daughter going to college in Aug 2023. The one other child of OP does competitive sports - travel teams not HS varsity. Let that one decide- college one is old enough to make a decision.

Spouse works consecutive days with no time off? Can’t schedule for overlapping weekends or go for a shorter visit? Leave the kids at home? It seems like they just don’t want to go which is fine but the in-laws may see the reasons as something that can be worked around if they don’t make sense to them. So they keep pushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck.

The original post had the answer on why the OP DH family cannot attend 100% on a 10 trip to Israel. It could be 10 sequential days anywhere. spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days

Dates are irrelevant for OP and spouse given the 10 days. Dates are relevant for the daughter going to college in Aug 2023. The one other child of OP does competitive sports - travel teams not HS varsity. Let that one decide- college one is old enough to make a decision.

Spouse works consecutive days with no time off? Can’t schedule for overlapping weekends or go for a shorter visit? Leave the kids at home? It seems like they just don’t want to go which is fine but the in-laws may see the reasons as something that can be worked around if they don’t make sense to them. So they keep pushing.

You can’t go to Israel for a weekend! Are you that obtuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am on the side of your in laws. You don't seem to have a good reason to not visit except that you clearly don't like them. So let your husband and your child visit. You stay home. Everyone will be happy.

Then you are as ridiculous as they are. Thanks for letting us know.

NP