Pushy in laws

[Anonymous]

OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Pressuring your kids who have no say in the decision is going way too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

You have reading comprehension issues. Husband can’t get off 10 days for trip plus another week for their own family vacation plus more time off to take daughter to college. You sound like in-laws self absorbed and don’t get it. If husband isn’t practicing and does not want to go himself why should op have to go?

[Anonymous]

How are you responding when your husband shared about these calls from family members? Are you getting worked up, angry and upset? Are you telling him how he should respond and what you’d like to say?

If so, I would invite you to not do that. My guess is that your husband is so stressed out because he is trying to please everyone, including you. Stop being one of those people he has to please in this situation. When he comes to you telling about a call with his brother badgering him, don’t respond emotionally by getting upset. Just listen. Paraphrase back: “Sounds like you gave your answer, but he’s choosing not to listen. I can tell that’s frustrating you. How did the call end?” “So another call came and you ended it. Sounds like you handled it. Is there anything else?”

He knows what he needs to do. He just needs to do it. Be supportive. Don’t be another person he has to manage here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

You have reading comprehension issues. Husband can’t get off 10 days for trip plus another week for their own family vacation plus more time off to take daughter to college. You sound like in-laws self absorbed and don’t get it. If husband isn’t practicing and does not want to go himself why should op have to go?

Not to mention him taking off time to go to orientation which for many colleges is during the summer. Not everyone can work from a computer or remotely. I think many forget that. Many jobs can only be done in person.

[Anonymous]

10:19 gives good advice.
But it’s also possible DH is one of those people who likes to pass on the negative emotional energy by transferring it to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

This is op I told husband he can go! He does not want to go. He can’t get the time off and doesn’t want to use his rare time off doing this. He wants to save his time for family vaca and taking daughter to college and her orientation. He is in medical field and has to work in person so it is difficult to get time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:19 gives good advice.
But it’s also possible DH is one of those people who likes to pass on the negative emotional energy by transferring it to someone else.

If so, then 10:19’s response is perfect. If OP just listens and paraphrases, he’s not passing on the negative emotional energy. By paraphrasing, OP is making him sit with it. She’s not taking it off his plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

This is op I told husband he can go! He does not want to go. He can’t get the time off and doesn’t want to use his rare time off doing this. He wants to save his time for family vaca and taking daughter to college and her orientation. He is in medical field and has to work in person so it is difficult to get time off.

Btw he just visited them all 3000 miles away! Just got back and they are already badgering the next trip! Problem is they are retired and wealthy and don’t have any obligations except free time to plan a bunch of events and parties and then pressure us to attend them all 3000 miles away and now Israel which is 5000 miles away or whatever. They have no concept of our reality which is we’re in the thick of things here working full-time, two kids trying to get a handle on things etc…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you responding when your husband shared about these calls from family members? Are you getting worked up, angry and upset? Are you telling him how he should respond and what you’d like to say?

If so, I would invite you to not do that. My guess is that your husband is so stressed out because he is trying to please everyone, including you. Stop being one of those people he has to please in this situation. When he comes to you telling about a call with his brother badgering him, don’t respond emotionally by getting upset. Just listen. Paraphrase back: “Sounds like you gave your answer, but he’s choosing not to listen. I can tell that’s frustrating you. How did the call end?” “So another call came and you ended it. Sounds like you handled it. Is there anything else?”

He knows what he needs to do. He just needs to do it. Be supportive. Don’t be another person he has to manage here.

+1
Being more outraged and angry is not helpful. You're not going on the trip, so stop fueling the fire. You don't have to make them agree with you, and you can't. When he is upset by these conversations, be supportive by being calm, reinforcing that he's doing fine, and that he doesn't need to do anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

This is op I told husband he can go! He does not want to go. He can’t get the time off and doesn’t want to use his rare time off doing this. He wants to save his time for family vaca and taking daughter to college and her orientation. He is in medical field and has to work in person so it is difficult to get time off.

Btw he just visited them all 3000 miles away! Just got back and they are already badgering the next trip! Problem is they are retired and wealthy and don’t have any obligations except free time to plan a bunch of events and parties and then pressure us to attend them all 3000 miles away and now Israel which is 5000 miles away or whatever. They have no concept of our reality which is we’re in the thick of things here working full-time, two kids trying to get a handle on things etc…

Invite them. Have them come experience your reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you obviously don’t have to go but perhaps if you were honest with yourself and others your responses would have more clarity. The more background you offered it seems clear you don’t like your in-laws, this trip seems triggering as it’s religious based and you denigrate that aspect. The ‘can’t go for 10 days is easily addressed by going for a portion of the trip; your DD last pre-college summer could instead be marked by an amazing experience in a part of the world it sounds like she’s never been - also - as she heads into adulthood-connecting with her family - some of whom you say she adores. Go or don’t go but be honest. It’s not that you can’t go it that you don’t want to and part of that reason for you is you dislike your in-laws.

This is op I told husband he can go! He does not want to go. He can’t get the time off and doesn’t want to use his rare time off doing this. He wants to save his time for family vaca and taking daughter to college and her orientation. He is in medical field and has to work in person so it is difficult to get time off.

Btw he just visited them all 3000 miles away! Just got back and they are already badgering the next trip! Problem is they are retired and wealthy and don’t have any obligations except free time to plan a bunch of events and parties and then pressure us to attend them all 3000 miles away and now Israel which is 5000 miles away or whatever. They have no concept of our reality which is we’re in the thick of things here working full-time, two kids trying to get a handle on things etc…

Invite them. Have them come experience your reality.

Bad advice. OP would be doing this with the idea of trying to get them to see how busy they, that they would suddenly have this epiphany and then they would back off the badgering. That’s never going to happen, so why bother? OP should not waste any energy trying to convince these people that her and her husband’s reasoning is valid. There’s absolute nothing they could say.

[Anonymous]

Interesting to see that OP hasn’t responded to the posts about how she might be reacting emotionally to her husband’s interactions and how they might be contributing to his stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting to see that OP hasn’t responded to the posts about how she might be reacting emotionally to her husband’s interactions and how they might be contributing to his stress.

Ha this is op. We were eating breakfast sorry my response doesn’t suit you. I am not adding stress. They are stressing him out not me. I am venting here not to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting to see that OP hasn’t responded to the posts about how she might be reacting emotionally to her husband’s interactions and how they might be contributing to his stress.

Ha this is op. We were eating breakfast sorry my response doesn’t suit you. I am not adding stress. They are stressing him out not me. I am venting here not to him.

I am having my own individual stress from this because I am now getting texts and my kids are telling me they’re getting texts from the pushy in-laws telling them they should come on the trip. So I have my own stress about this now because they are directly contacting me and directly contacting my kids. We can’t go on the trip. It’s a lot to ask. Nothing more to be sad about it. As I said they all don’t work and the other sibling is a multi millionaire that also doesn’t “work” in an office daily. He works remotely a few hours here or there playing golf with clients twice a week which is wonderful but it prevents him from being able to a daily job that requires one to be in the office such as my husband has. He doesn’t get the two weeks of vacation a year idea. Doesn’t get it or understand that flying 3000 miles is a big deal especially when there are no direct flights.