Reply to Pushy in laws

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Pushy in laws "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]They will keep pushing you because you don’t directly say no. Sorry, we won’t be going to Israel, but have a great trip. Be direct. [/quote]

Souse tried this but they keep pushing and now put his siblings on him to convince him to go. He has no backbone avoids conflict and it is making him a nervous wreck. [/quote]

OK, so *you* speak up and tell them: “We have told you no—that is final. You pushing and refusing to accept and respect our decision is causing stress, and I won’t have that. If you cannot communicate with us without this constant harping over a decision that will not change, then we won’t be speaking with you until after your trip. Your choice.”[/quote]

They go behind the scenes and bug my spouse without me being part of the convo. [b]Now they are going behind our backs having their older kids whom my kids adore try to persuade our kids by telling them they will be the only ones not going.[/b] Every time we talk to them they say we need to come visit more and we should see them they all live in the same state by choice they were not raised there and it’s 3000 miles away and they expect us to come visit them multiple times a year yet they’ve never once come visit us here. And it’s not a money issue they are wealthy and have a lot of flexibility in their jobs unlike my spouse. [/quote]

New poster. OP, the bold absolutely crosses a line. Sit down NOW with your husband and have this out. He and you need to say a very clear, firm no to the parents and the siblings as well, and your husband -- NOT YOU, your husband, however wimpy he may be -- must tell them all, "We are still getting asked so this is our final answer, and it's clear: No, we are not going on this trip. Please stop asking. Especially stop speaking to our kids about this trip. I know you have contacted our kids direclty to get them to convince us to come. Never do an end run around us like that again. Going around us to our kids about this crosses a line and uses them to try to get to us. Discussion about this trip is done. Have a nice time."

They keep bugging? They get the shortened version: "We told you the answer is no and that is not going to change between now and next summer. Please stop asking." Then change the topic.

And PLEASE, OP, talk directly to your kids ASAP. Reassure them that their relatives are wrong to pressure them as they have, and that it is fine for the kids simply not to respond to texts or emails or calls from their cousins if this is the topic. Tell them their cousins are unfortunately being used by their parents in a way that is not apprropriate. Note that you know your kids adore their cousins but your kids have major things next summer - it is your DD's last summer at home before college and your other child has big commitments, and it's wrong for the family to treat those things as if theyr'e unimportant.

The adults in this situation need to leave your kids the heck OUT of this and it's awful to use the cousins to pressure your kids.

But your DH absolutely MUST man up, FFS. You can help by sitting with him and scripting out what he will say together. I"m serious. Write. It. Down. Write down what he'll say when they inevitably say "Oh, you'll change your mind." Or: "Mom and dad might be dead soon and you won't make them happy by saying yes to this trip?!" and so on. Scrpit it and he does not deviate. If they try the "But you don't visit us enough and now you won't do this?!" card, he has to be ready for that too: "Sorry you feel that way. We visit as often as we are able. We are not coming on the Israel trip. You already have been told why so we're dropping this topic"

I say he must do this becuase it is his freaking job as the adult child of the problem parents (and apparently, problem siblings too). His family, his job, but you will have to help him, it seems.

Do not, do not, do not muddy the waters by dredging up things like "you travel all the time but don't visit us" or other grievances. They're legit for sure, but do not muddy this one issue of the Israel trip by dragging the;m into it. Be clear and simple: No to the trip. No, we will not change our minds. No, you should not have gone around us by having the cousins give our kids FOMO and guilt, and end runs like that need to stop. The adults talk to the adults, and don't use the kids to talk to each other about this. Our kids are not making this decision, WE ARE. And the decision is no now and that won't change. Pass the salt. How about those Nationasl? [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics