Pushy in laws
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Anonymous
| In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck. |
Anonymous
Need advise on how to handle this. Spouse has no backbone and won’t handle it. We will continue to get pleas and comments for the next year. Husband nw we told them we were not raising kids Jewish. He is not religious at all but they are. They don’t respect our decisions or religion. They don’t even say merry Christmas to me or kids. They only say happy holidays and only send hannukah gifts. How to handle such pushy people. We just went to see them this month across the country and they are already pressuring us for next visit. These are wealthy people that travel all over so they could easily see us here but choose not to and pressure us to come there. It’s exhausting. |
Anonymous
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Don’t worry about the gifts - first off, religious Jews only do token gifts for Hannukah so feel free to giggle a bit about that. But who cares how they package holiday greetings/gifts - just accept graciously.
The trip will take care of itself in time. Every time they bring it up act confused, “Oh, I thought Larlo told you already - we aren’t going. How about those Mets?” Don’t explain bc they will just argue or push back. Just the same sentence with the same inflection. If you dare you can start act worried for them - “I am starting to worry about your memory lately because we told you we aren’t going. Do you find yourself forgetting a lot of things? Maybe we should see a doctor……with my grandma it all started with forgetting little things…..” and you’re off on a related sorry. |
Anonymous
| They will keep pushing you because you don’t directly say no. Sorry, we won’t be going to Israel, but have a great trip. Be direct. |
Anonymous
Thank you. I tried a bit of this with his brother who texted about something last night. No response. He knows we are not going and keeps playing dumb and now trying to push our kids to convince us to go on the trip. It’s a long trip and planned out as a Jewish religous trip for 10 days and spouse Can’t takeoff 10 days for that plus takeoff time to take your child to college plus go to the orientations which normally happen over the summer for the few colleges child is applying to. There’s a pushes people I’ve ever met in my life I I don’t know how to handle them. |
Anonymous
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You simply say no.
“I hope you have a great time. We are not going on this trip. You keep pushing, and the answer isn’t going to change. If you cannot call or text without bringing this up again, we’re going to take a break. Please contact us when you have accepted our decision and respect it as final.” |
Anonymous
Souse tried this but they keep pushing and now put his siblings on him to convince him to go. He has no backbone avoids conflict and it is making him a nervous wreck. |
Anonymous
This. Clear is kind. “I know this is the answer you don’t want to hear, and I’m sorry it will disappoint you. We will not be going on the trip to Israel next summer. That is the final decision. It is not up for discussion.” When they continue to ask why, have your spouse respond with, “We gave you our decision. You’re now choosing to argue with me. I’m not going to argue this. Either we move on to a different topic or we end the call. What is your choice?” Rinse and repeat. |
Anonymous
OK, so *you* speak up and tell them: “We have told you no—that is final. You pushing and refusing to accept and respect our decision is causing stress, and I won’t have that. If you cannot communicate with us without this constant harping over a decision that will not change, then we won’t be speaking with you until after your trip. Your choice.” |
Anonymous
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All you can do is keep saying no. There was a big family event this summer and my kids couldn't go because they were at sleepaway camp. The ILs absolutely hounded us and begged us to pick them up for 2 days and bring them back (not even allowed bc of Covid, and would have been a train wreck for younger kid with anxiety first summer away). We just kept repeating "no, they already have plans that we are unable to change."
It was annoying to have to rehash constantly, but you can't control them, you can only control your reaction. Dh should be the one addressing it most of the time. |
Anonymous
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My oldest will be going to college next year too. This is a special summer he doesn't need to account for with jobs or volunteering or test prep, so I'm offering him the trip of a lifetime with our nuclear family. I'm inviting my parents too. They're aging, DS is leaving for college, who knows when we'll get together again like this? There is no way I'd waste this special time with an event that's not important to our family. If you feel strongly that you'd rather do something else this summer, then tell them no. You won't get this time back. Use it well. |
Anonymous
"I know! It sounds amazing, I wish we could go. But we hope you have a wonderful time  "
Repeat, repeat, repeat. |
Anonymous
They go behind the scenes and bug my spouse without me being part of the convo. Now they are going behind our backs having their older kids whom my kids adore try to persuade our kids by telling them they will be the only ones not going. Every time we talk to them they say we need to come visit more and we should see them they all live in the same state by choice they were not raised there and it’s 3000 miles away and they expect us to come visit them multiple times a year yet they’ve never once come visit us here. And it’s not a money issue they are wealthy and have a lot of flexibility in their jobs unlike my spouse. |
Anonymous
 OP and her husband have already decided that this trip—which hello, her husband can’t get that much time off for—is not something that would serve them “well.” You sound like my parents and my aunt, who yipped and yawed about Time With Grandmother While She is Still Around when my grandmother was 75 years old. She lived to be 95, we spent loads of time together, but there was always the spectre of Family Duty that honestly made my siblings and I resentful when we missed out on opportunities to travel abroad, travel with friends, spend holidays with significant others, etc., etc. It’s crying wolf in the extreme. There is more to life than spending every vacation minute with family Because Family.
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Anonymous
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One final firm no with the end of discussion on this heads up. Any further pushing results in letting them go on the phone or not responding to the text.
When they guilt about wanting more time together, select dates that work for you and invite them. If they don't show up that is on them. |