Pushy in laws

[Anonymous]

Ignore it. Don’t respond when they talk about it to you. When it’s only your husband and you, tell him he can go alone if he wants. Just say no.

My parents keep talking about a big trip with the extended family next summer for their anniversary. It’s not happening for similar reasons. I just ignore when they talk about it. When they directly ask if we will come I say no. It results in a guilt trip and an attempt at an argument, which I also ignore. That’s easier to do since it’s my parents and not my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My oldest will be going to college next year too. This is a special summer he doesn't need to account for with jobs or volunteering or test prep, so I'm offering him the trip of a lifetime with our nuclear family. I'm inviting my parents too. They're aging, DS is leaving for college, who knows when we'll get together again like this? There is no way I'd waste this special time with an event that's not important to our family.

If you feel strongly that you'd rather do something else this summer, then tell them no. You won't get this time back. Use it well.

OP and her husband have already decided that this trip—which hello, her husband can’t get that much time off for—is not something that would serve them “well.” You sound like my parents and my aunt, who yipped and yawed about Time With Grandmother While She is Still Around when my grandmother was 75 years old. She lived to be 95, we spent loads of time together, but there was always the spectre of Family Duty that honestly made my siblings and I resentful when we missed out on opportunities to travel abroad, travel with friends, spend holidays with significant others, etc., etc. It’s crying wolf in the extreme. There is more to life than spending every vacation minute with family Because Family.

PP you replied to. You need more coffee! I am supporting OP by sharing that there is no way I'd agree to this trip if I had something else in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My oldest will be going to college next year too. This is a special summer he doesn't need to account for with jobs or volunteering or test prep, so I'm offering him the trip of a lifetime with our nuclear family. I'm inviting my parents too. They're aging, DS is leaving for college, who knows when we'll get together again like this? There is no way I'd waste this special time with an event that's not important to our family.

If you feel strongly that you'd rather do something else this summer, then tell them no. You won't get this time back. Use it well.

OP and her husband have already decided that this trip—which hello, her husband can’t get that much time off for—is not something that would serve them “well.” You sound like my parents and my aunt, who yipped and yawed about Time With Grandmother While She is Still Around when my grandmother was 75 years old. She lived to be 95, we spent loads of time together, but there was always the spectre of Family Duty that honestly made my siblings and I resentful when we missed out on opportunities to travel abroad, travel with friends, spend holidays with significant others, etc., etc. It’s crying wolf in the extreme. There is more to life than spending every vacation minute with family Because Family.

PP you replied to. You need more coffee! I am supporting OP by sharing that there is no way I'd agree to this trip if I had something else in mind.

NP. It didn’t totally read like that, I was confused as well.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am on the side of your in laws. You don't seem to have a good reason to not visit except that you clearly don't like them. So let your husband and your child visit. You stay home. Everyone will be happy.

[Anonymous]

You and your spouse decide in what clear, direct language you will use to respond about this. Give your reasons, your well wishes for a wonderful trip FOR THEM, and a statement that you will not change your mind on this. Then you both just stick to that script and repeat it over and over, using the same inflection as a PP said. Don’t react emotionally, don’t feel you need to explain yourselves beyond what you’ve agreed to put into the script.

In a different vein, why wouldn’t your spouse, or you in a more diplomatic way, ask them directly why they have never visited you? “Since you are retired and have time time and financial means, it’s very puzzling to us that you have not once managed to make a trip out here to see us. Why haven’t you done that in all these years?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My oldest will be going to college next year too. This is a special summer he doesn't need to account for with jobs or volunteering or test prep, so I'm offering him the trip of a lifetime with our nuclear family. I'm inviting my parents too. They're aging, DS is leaving for college, who knows when we'll get together again like this? There is no way I'd waste this special time with an event that's not important to our family.

If you feel strongly that you'd rather do something else this summer, then tell them no. You won't get this time back. Use it well.

Spending 10 days in Israel is the absolute last thing my husband or I want to do. He has no interest in going. Loves his family but 10 days is a lot and he doesn’t get much time off. He is Jewish but not practicing. And said he has no backbone and really doesn’t want to go I told him he should go but he doesn’t wanna go but he’s using me as an excuse to why he can’t go when the truth is he doesn’t want to go and use all of his vaca time there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My oldest will be going to college next year too. This is a special summer he doesn't need to account for with jobs or volunteering or test prep, so I'm offering him the trip of a lifetime with our nuclear family. I'm inviting my parents too. They're aging, DS is leaving for college, who knows when we'll get together again like this? There is no way I'd waste this special time with an event that's not important to our family.

If you feel strongly that you'd rather do something else this summer, then tell them no. You won't get this time back. Use it well.

OP and her husband have already decided that this trip—which hello, her husband can’t get that much time off for—is not something that would serve them “well.” You sound like my parents and my aunt, who yipped and yawed about Time With Grandmother While She is Still Around when my grandmother was 75 years old. She lived to be 95, we spent loads of time together, but there was always the spectre of Family Duty that honestly made my siblings and I resentful when we missed out on opportunities to travel abroad, travel with friends, spend holidays with significant others, etc., etc. It’s crying wolf in the extreme. There is more to life than spending every vacation minute with family Because Family.

PP you replied to. You need more coffee! I am supporting OP by sharing that there is no way I'd agree to this trip if I had something else in mind.

NP. It didn’t totally read like that, I was confused as well.

+1. If that was your point, you didn’t make it well, at all. “They’re aging…who knows when we’ll be together again like this…You won’t get this time back. Use it well.” Perhaps you should take your own advice, drink coffee, and try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am on the side of your in laws. You don't seem to have a good reason to not visit except that you clearly don't like them. So let your husband and your child visit. You stay home. Everyone will be happy.

We visit them several times!! It’s never enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am on the side of your in laws. You don't seem to have a good reason to not visit except that you clearly don't like them. So let your husband and your child visit. You stay home. Everyone will be happy.

You cannot read, apparently. OP’s husband CANNOT TAKE 10 DAYS OFF WORK. Are you suffering from poor eyesight, reading comprehension skills, dementia, or some combination thereof?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am on the side of your in laws. You don't seem to have a good reason to not visit except that you clearly don't like them. So let your husband and your child visit. You stay home. Everyone will be happy.

We visit them plenty. They live 3000 miles away. Husband doesn’t get much time off it’s a long flight. They have been retired for 20 years and are super wealthy and rich and travel around the world and they could easily come here. They don’t they want us to travel to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your spouse decide in what clear, direct language you will use to respond about this. Give your reasons, your well wishes for a wonderful trip FOR THEM, and a statement that you will not change your mind on this. Then you both just stick to that script and repeat it over and over, using the same inflection as a PP said. Don’t react emotionally, don’t feel you need to explain yourselves beyond what you’ve agreed to put into the script.

In a different vein, why wouldn’t your spouse, or you in a more diplomatic way, ask them directly why they have never visited you? “Since you are retired and have time time and financial means, it’s very puzzling to us that you have not once managed to make a trip out here to see us. Why haven’t you done that in all these years?”

I would not give reasons beyond it does not work for us this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck.

Need advise on how to handle this. Spouse has no backbone and won’t handle it. We will continue to get pleas and comments for the next year. Husband nw we told them we were not raising kids Jewish. He is not religious at all but they are. They don’t respect our decisions or religion. They don’t even say merry Christmas to me or kids. They only say happy holidays and only send hannukah gifts. How to handle such pushy people. We just went to see them this month across the country and they are already pressuring us for next visit. These are wealthy people that travel all over so they could easily see us here but choose not to and pressure us to come there. It’s exhausting.

It sounds like you are an interfaith couple celebrating Christmas. As someone on your shoes not raising the kids Jewish, please let the holidays thing go. They do not need to wish you a merry Christmas. This is probably a painful experience for them so practice grace with that aspect of this. My kids are send Hanukkah gifts as well and it’s a welcome reminder of their heritage, sent by family members who love them, even if they don’t celebrate the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am on the side of your in laws. You don't seem to have a good reason to not visit except that you clearly don't like them. So let your husband and your child visit. You stay home. Everyone will be happy.

You cannot read, apparently. OP’s husband CANNOT TAKE 10 DAYS OFF WORK. Are you suffering from poor eyesight, reading comprehension skills, dementia, or some combination thereof?

Exactly pp sounds pushy as well. This is op. Yes husbamd can not take off 10 days for the trip plus take off time to take child to college plus go to the family orientation which is in July most likely for the colleges they are applying to. Not to mention a few days hopefully to have some type of family vacation with just our immediate family. He doesn’t have that type of job. They don’t get it. They are retired and other sibling works rarely and remotely as he owns businesses.

[Anonymous]

Send one email to the entire family—siblings and parents.

Dear Family-
Unfortunately we will not be able to attend the trip to Israel next summer. It’s not going to happen. That is our final decision. I will not be discussing this further with anyone. Do not bring this up with me, Sally or our children. If you choose to bring this up, I will immediately end the conversation. Thank you.

Bob

Send it today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In laws want us to travel to Israel for their anniversary next summer for 10 days. We can’t go for a number of reasons ie: daughter will be heading to college so it is her last summer here and she does not know when orientations are etc…, spouse can’t get off of work for 10 days, other child has travel competitive sports all summer, plus spouse and kids just don’t want to go to on such a long trip. They planned the trip without checking the dates and are really hounding us and pushing us to go. These people do not take no for an answer. They keep saying hopefully you will come even though spouse told them we can’t. They love across the country and we have been to visit them 3-4 times over the years and they have never come here which is fine but they give us major guilt trips for not seeing them enough. They travel all around the world on personal vacations yet never come here and still give us guilt trips. My spouse is a total wuss when it comes to his family and has no backbone so their constant pestering makes him a nervous wreck.

It may take you not showing up next summer for them to understand the word no. At that point they have to take no for an answer.