Is my private school enabling poor behavoir

[Anonymous]

8 years old is when my son started acting up out of nowhere. Same school since K. I think that's a difficult age for some kids.

[Anonymous]

As kids get older behaviors and issues can start to come out. A child in third grade can be very different from a child in K. The child may just need more structure or more outdoor/athletic time. Also keep in mind, issues such as ADHD often don’t become present until 4th or 5th grade.

[Anonymous]

I think the parent wants to do the right thing and is paying for private with the hope that school staff will be open and communicative about issues. The fact that the son is sharing all of these misbehaviors and the school is not seems backwards.

I think OP can explore schools AND give more consequences AND consider exploring possible ADHD concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

OP here. I absolutely spoke to my son and do frequently. However, telling me he wouldn’t listen to her in class isn’t something I can do much about. I fully believe my son is at an age where he is responsible for his behavior and can make better choices but I also don’t think it’s in a vacuum. A teacher pleading with him to stop is not effective. He needs to be send to the principal and that’s what I said in my email. He’s actually never been sent to the principal, which is the big consequence, and i think he needs to be.

Really? This just answered your question “Is my Private School enabling poor behavior?” No. YOU are. You don’t know how to discipline your kid? All teachers should notify you of difficulties with your son (send an email to teacher). If you get any emails/notifications he is punished. See how simple that is? Signed a former teacher, emphasis on former

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

OP here. I absolutely spoke to my son and do frequently. However, telling me he wouldn’t listen to her in class isn’t something I can do much about. I fully believe my son is at an age where he is responsible for his behavior and can make better choices but I also don’t think it’s in a vacuum. A teacher pleading with him to stop is not effective. He needs to be send to the principal and that’s what I said in my email. He’s actually never been sent to the principal, which is the big consequence, and i think he needs to be.

Really? This just answered your question “Is my Private School enabling poor behavior?” No. YOU are. You don’t know how to discipline your kid? All teachers should notify you of difficulties with your son (send an email to teacher). If you get any emails/notifications he is punished. See how simple that is? Signed a former teacher, emphasis on former

This. If my kid's teacher is reporting behavioral problems, my kid and I are having a talk. And serious infractions = serious consequences at home. You don't need a meeting with every single person at the school to create a "plan of action." You need to discipline your kid. Those big meetings are for when you've tried that already and there's some bigger issue that needs cooperation. But you haven't tried it yet.

[Anonymous]

He's in charge. He's telling you he's in trouble and wandering the halls. Clearly he knows you're not going to do anything. So if you want to know why he's not behaving, you can start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

OP here. I absolutely spoke to my son and do frequently. However, telling me he wouldn’t listen to her in class isn’t something I can do much about. I fully believe my son is at an age where he is responsible for his behavior and can make better choices but I also don’t think it’s in a vacuum. A teacher pleading with him to stop is not effective. He needs to be send to the principal and that’s what I said in my email. He’s actually never been sent to the principal, which is the big consequence, and i think he needs to be.

Really? This just answered your question “Is my Private School enabling poor behavior?” No. YOU are. You don’t know how to discipline your kid? All teachers should notify you of difficulties with your son (send an email to teacher). If you get any emails/notifications he is punished. See how simple that is? Signed a former teacher, emphasis on former

This. If my kid's teacher is reporting behavioral problems, my kid and I are having a talk. And serious infractions = serious consequences at home. You don't need a meeting with every single person at the school to create a "plan of action." You need to discipline your kid. Those big meetings are for when you've tried that already and there's some bigger issue that needs cooperation. But you haven't tried it yet.

Wish there was an upvote button on this forum. 100%

[Anonymous]

OP, i'm having a very similar issue with my almost 8 year old. it's odd because some days are good, some are bad, he acts up with certain teachers, not others. I swear to god in 1 school day i got an email from one teacher saying how wonderfully he's behaving in her class and an email from another saying how disruptive/loud/wiggly he was in her class. you have to commiserate with your kid because school days are LOOONG and boring for the most part. they live for the short recess and lunch times. BUT immediate consequences have to happen for bad behavior. I spoke with my child, let him read both emails, and we decided together what the "reward" for the good emails would be and the "consequence" for the bad emails. your kid HAS to conform to school, there's no getting around it. you can change schools but that's an awful lot of disruption to everyone. you should be making him fit to the school, not the school to fit him. trust me, I spent all of last year in the "did we pick the wrong school?" mindset...don't waste time and energy on that and focus on your kid's behavior.

[Anonymous]

It’s very easy to assume a kid just needs discipline but behavior is more complicated than that. All behavior is communication and it’s the parents job to truly listen and understand so you can figure out what is causing it.

My son started having behavior, attention, and mood issues out of nowhere in 3rd grade at the age of 8. We were so upset when we learned about how he was treating teachers and students at school. We discussed every issue and “disciplined” for the incidents. So did the school. Things got worse and our relationship as well as his relationship with teachers deteriorated quickly. I finally sat down, asked lots of questions in a calm, loving, and nonjudgmental way. The counselor at school did the same thing. We started to pick up on themes and did more investigating. We realized that DC was being bullied, that teachers were unintentionally embarrassing him in front of peers when he made mistakes and didn’t understand a new concept, and there was likely a medical issue of some kind because he kept saying he didn’t know why he was doing some of these things and he couldn’t control it. It became clear he was struggling with executive function but doctors didn’t think he had ADHD. After a lot of investigation, we discovered a sleep disorder which was taking a major toll on his executive function and mood. Had I not stopped to listen to him, we would have continued down a path of discipline and kept delaying the treatment that was actually needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very easy to assume a kid just needs discipline but behavior is more complicated than that. All behavior is communication and it’s the parents job to truly listen and understand so you can figure out what is causing it.

My son started having behavior, attention, and mood issues out of nowhere in 3rd grade at the age of 8. We were so upset when we learned about how he was treating teachers and students at school. We discussed every issue and “disciplined” for the incidents. So did the school. Things got worse and our relationship as well as his relationship with teachers deteriorated quickly. I finally sat down, asked lots of questions in a calm, loving, and nonjudgmental way. The counselor at school did the same thing. We started to pick up on themes and did more investigating. We realized that DC was being bullied, that teachers were unintentionally embarrassing him in front of peers when he made mistakes and didn’t understand a new concept, and there was likely a medical issue of some kind because he kept saying he didn’t know why he was doing some of these things and he couldn’t control it. It became clear he was struggling with executive function but doctors didn’t think he had ADHD. After a lot of investigation, we discovered a sleep disorder which was taking a major toll on his executive function and mood. Had I not stopped to listen to him, we would have continued down a path of discipline and kept delaying the treatment that was actually needed.

a "sleep disorder"? can you please explain a bit more?

[Anonymous]

OP, private schools are notoriously varied in how well they handle behavior, but they all think that they do a good job. You should let the school know that you are going to consult with a private psychologist and ask if they would be willing to allow that person to observe your child in school. Then, let the psychologist tell you how to proceed.

Maybe they will say the school has it covered. Maybe they will have some recommendations that the school will or will not follow. Maybe they will suggest a change in schools. The only certainty is that you will get better advice from a professional who has actually seen your kid than from a group of internet parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate all the comments and stories.

I am clearly coming at this in a different way than many posters. For one, I generally think that little kids' shouldn't be punished for things that happen at school. I heard from school twice last year (via email) about my son being too silly/disruptive, but I did hear often from my child just as we are chatting. In one case after being disruptive he missed a game after class and had to write an apology to the specials teacher who later did email me. To me, its done at that point. He misbehaved, he had a consequence at school, end of story. I can understand that certain behaviors might require more at home but a then 7 year old being silly/disruptive with two notes home isn't one of them. But, clearly others disagree. I am curious why. If the child was punished at school, why punish again? We absolutely spoke about what happened but not with a consequence. I understand this approach might not get immediate behavior change but it seems the most appropriate to me. Are people really punishing small kids again at home? Why?

So that was last year. He is now 8 and in 3rd grade. I have heard absolutely nothing from school this year about behavior so all my info is from him. He is openly sharing mistakes and what happened. It seems preposterous to punish him at home for that? I can't even wrap my head around that. My concern is that the behavior is tolerated over and over so my original question was more...is this just normal school stuff that happens everywhere or are some schools more strict, and if so, how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's in charge. He's telling you he's in trouble and wandering the halls. Clearly he knows you're not going to do anything. So if you want to know why he's not behaving, you can start there.

That was

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very easy to assume a kid just needs discipline but behavior is more complicated than that. All behavior is communication and it’s the parents job to truly listen and understand so you can figure out what is causing it.

My son started having behavior, attention, and mood issues out of nowhere in 3rd grade at the age of 8. We were so upset when we learned about how he was treating teachers and students at school. We discussed every issue and “disciplined” for the incidents. So did the school. Things got worse and our relationship as well as his relationship with teachers deteriorated quickly. I finally sat down, asked lots of questions in a calm, loving, and nonjudgmental way. The counselor at school did the same thing. We started to pick up on themes and did more investigating. We realized that DC was being bullied, that teachers were unintentionally embarrassing him in front of peers when he made mistakes and didn’t understand a new concept, and there was likely a medical issue of some kind because he kept saying he didn’t know why he was doing some of these things and he couldn’t control it. It became clear he was struggling with executive function but doctors didn’t think he had ADHD. After a lot of investigation, we discovered a sleep disorder which was taking a major toll on his executive function and mood. Had I not stopped to listen to him, we would have continued down a path of discipline and kept delaying the treatment that was actually needed.

a "sleep disorder"? can you please explain a bit more?

My son had obstructive sleep apnea. His breathing was blocked by tonsils and adenoids which resulted in lowered blood oxygen levels and brain arousals more than 100 times a night. That level of sleep fragmentation and blood oxygen issues was causing the problems with executive function and mood. The most common symptom of sleep apnea in kids is behavior issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all the comments and stories.

I am clearly coming at this in a different way than many posters. For one, I generally think that little kids' shouldn't be punished for things that happen at school. I heard from school twice last year (via email) about my son being too silly/disruptive, but I did hear often from my child just as we are chatting. In one case after being disruptive he missed a game after class and had to write an apology to the specials teacher who later did email me. To me, its done at that point. He misbehaved, he had a consequence at school, end of story. I can understand that certain behaviors might require more at home but a then 7 year old being silly/disruptive with two notes home isn't one of them. But, clearly others disagree. I am curious why. If the child was punished at school, why punish again? We absolutely spoke about what happened but not with a consequence. I understand this approach might not get immediate behavior change but it seems the most appropriate to me. Are people really punishing small kids again at home? Why?

So that was last year. He is now 8 and in 3rd grade. I have heard absolutely nothing from school this year about behavior so all my info is from him. He is openly sharing mistakes and what happened. It seems preposterous to punish him at home for that? I can't even wrap my head around that. My concern is that the behavior is tolerated over and over so my original question was more...is this just normal school stuff that happens everywhere or are some schools more strict, and if so, how?

So you are concerned he isn’t being disciplined enough at school?