Is my private school enabling poor behavoir

[Anonymous]

My DS recently started 3rd grade at an area school that is progressive in nature. We deliberately sought this out after he was very successful in a play-based preschool and K program...successful as in zero issues ever mentioned. He then started at his new school for 1st grade and its been constant issues with interrupting, silliness and general disrespect for teachers. He is not a perfect child, as nobody is, but he absolutely has more control over this behavior than I feel he is exercising--he did excellent at some rigorous sports camps this summer and is very well behaved for certain teachers at school.

So my question is, did we maybe pick the wrong school for him. Obviously nobody here can answer that, but I am curious about anecdotal stories. We thought he would thrive in this environment but now I am thinking he is floundering with what might be a lack of structure or clear boundaries. We have no concerns, nor does the school with ADD, etc. In fact the school isn't even that concerned so many this is normal 8 year old boy behavior. He is my oldest so I just don't know. I don't like that he is causing disruptions for his class and teacher and that people are missing out on seeing what a great kid he is b/c he is often in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think they have no structure or boundaries? It sounds like they do and you’re finding he can’t behave within them. And you said the school isn’t concerned but he’s often in trouble. Is he telling you he’s in trouble? Or did they tell you?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like lack of structure. I’d be inclined to meet with the school, if they don’t pull it together transfer him elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think they have no structure or boundaries? It sounds like they do and you’re finding he can’t behave within them. And you said the school isn’t concerned but he’s often in trouble. Is he telling you he’s in trouble? Or did they tell you?

OP here. Nothing about this is about the school--its a great school, we have lots of very happy friends and my younger daughter is thriving (and would stay). This is 100% about my older son continually misbehaving in this environment when he did not in K, at home, at sports, etc.

thus far this year all I have heard is from my son--he has to leave the classroom multiple times a day, had a meeting with the guidance counselor, that type of thing. Last year we did hear from his teacher a few times but they felt they had it covered. Once a specials teacher reached out clearly flustered about what had happened in her class with my son and I responded that I would like to sit down with the head of lower school, main teacher, etc. and create more of a plan of action. They then said they had it covered. I guess I am frustrated b/c I Know he can do better and I am trying to separate what is reasonable to expect from an 8 year old at school vs what is happening to mine at his school.

[Anonymous]

I doubt it is the school’s lack of structure. Demands increase each year with respect to expectations. You need to work independently, you need sit longer. Clearly, he is unable to keep up with the demands of doing this. There should be consequences for misbehavior. If it doesn’t improve, then maybe consider testing for ADHD. What you Ned to remember is, kids with ADHD are able to focus (look up hyper focus) on things that interest them.

[Anonymous]

If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

Yes I think they are enforcing the rules, but my child doesn't seem to find the consequence very compelling. Or that's my view. In other places he is very well behaved like sports, camp, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure PP's are right that it's elevated expectations and not lack of structure, but it's also not clear that they are wrong. OP, I think there are more questions you need to ask--from your son and the teachers. Why is he finding it hard to do x? Not do y? What strategies does he and/or the teachers think would help? If the answers involve structure the school doesn't have, or set-ups in the new school that differ in relevant ways from your old school, then it may well be that your son learns and behaves better in a different environment. Maybe your son says he doesn't take his teacher seriously in some way. If that's true, is it something about that particular teacher, or is more broadly about the way teachers tend to teach or are trained to teach at this school? Is your son distracted and/or annoyed by others in the class? If so, is that because of particular individuals or because of how the classroom is run? Some kids do better working quietly in desks and do poorly if students are always allowed to move about, lounge, etc. Others thrive in those environments. Too many questions to know what the right answer is. You might have already asked some of this, but from your post, I had lots of questions.

For what it's worth, our son doesn't do as well, behaviorally, in unstructured environments. He does fine substantively, but he's one of those kids who benefits a lot from quiet, orderly, and structured days in many ways. He also benefits from kind but firm teaching. He can function in looser environments, and in fact in some extra-curricular settings, does function in those environments. For school, however, his best self comes out with more structure, for some of the reasons I mentioned with my questions above. Your son might be like that, or he might just be having trouble adjusting to more expectations in a new school.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

Yes I think they are enforcing the rules, but my child doesn't seem to find the consequence very compelling. Or that's my view. In other places he is very well behaved like sports, camp, etc.

The bar for behavior in sports and at camp is very low. Not nearly the same as school. Bad behavior isn't usually dealt with when it happens since it's just camp or for fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

Yes I think they are enforcing the rules, but my child doesn't seem to find the consequence very compelling. Or that's my view. In other places he is very well behaved like sports, camp, etc.

The bar for behavior in sports and at camp is very low. Not nearly the same as school. Bad behavior isn't usually dealt with when it happens since it's just camp or for fun.

This. Also, both sports and camp involve a lot of physical activity, which can be easier for a lot of kids than sitting still or being in a classroom. Also, if he's really into the sport, he might be more motivated there, or he might find school harder than the sport.

[Anonymous]

I guess I don’t understand. If the school doesn’t seem overly concerned and they feel they have a handle on it, why are you worried?

[Anonymous]

There can also be a big change in general behavior around this age/grade, too. Kids, in general, start being less compliant little kids in 3rd grade and stretch their independence and boundaries.

That said, some teachers do struggle with classroom management -- if the child is behaving for some teachers, but not one in particular, it could be a classroom management issue, or it could be a time-of-day attention issue (hungry, tired, ready to use big muscles, etc.).

I would monitor and have regular (but not too frequent) check ins with the teacher(s) to see how the year is progressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS recently started 3rd grade at an area school that is progressive in nature. We deliberately sought this out after he was very successful in a play-based preschool and K program...successful as in zero issues ever mentioned. He then started at his new school for 1st grade and its been constant issues with interrupting, silliness and general disrespect for teachers. He is not a perfect child, as nobody is, but he absolutely has more control over this behavior than I feel he is exercising--he did excellent at some rigorous sports camps this summer and is very well behaved for certain teachers at school.

So my question is, did we maybe pick the wrong school for him. Obviously nobody here can answer that, but I am curious about anecdotal stories. We thought he would thrive in this environment but now I am thinking he is floundering with what might be a lack of structure or clear boundaries. We have no concerns, nor does the school with ADD, etc. In fact the school isn't even that concerned so many this is normal 8 year old boy behavior. He is my oldest so I just don't know. I don't like that he is causing disruptions for his class and teacher and that people are missing out on seeing what a great kid he is b/c he is often in trouble.

Are the teachers reporting this or have you seen it when in the classroom visiting or from others?

Our progressive lower school runs the gamut in behavior expectations teacher by teacher. Ask a sub teacher what they think.

Anyhow, yes most kids under age 15 learn more and do better with structure, clear rules, enforced rules, fair treatment. For starters you could ask the school for that sort of teacher as your child thrives and learns more with that. If the majority of the school, however is not that, I’d change schools. He’s missing out on learning and development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think they have no structure or boundaries? It sounds like they do and you’re finding he can’t behave within them. And you said the school isn’t concerned but he’s often in trouble. Is he telling you he’s in trouble? Or did they tell you?

OP here. Nothing about this is about the school--its a great school, we have lots of very happy friends and my younger daughter is thriving (and would stay). This is 100% about my older son continually misbehaving in this environment when he did not in K, at home, at sports, etc.

thus far this year all I have heard is from my son--he has to leave the classroom multiple times a day, had a meeting with the guidance counselor, that type of thing. Last year we did hear from his teacher a few times but they felt they had it covered. Once a specials teacher reached out clearly flustered about what had happened in her class with my son and I responded that I would like to sit down with the head of lower school, main teacher, etc. and create more of a plan of action. They then said they had it covered. I guess I am frustrated b/c I Know he can do better and I am trying to separate what is reasonable to expect from an 8 year old at school vs what is happening to mine at his school.

Who said it’s a great school?

What makes it a great school?

Hearsay? The 12 grade SAT results?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

Yes I think they are enforcing the rules, but my child doesn't seem to find the consequence very compelling. Or that's my view. In other places he is very well behaved like sports, camp, etc.

Is the consequence to wander about the school looking for the principal who is always busy and then return to class? That’s a joke amongst my boys and his friends.