Is my private school enabling poor behavoir

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

Yes I think they are enforcing the rules, but my child doesn't seem to find the consequence very compelling. Or that's my view. In other places he is very well behaved like sports, camp, etc.

Is the consequence to wander about the school looking for the principal who is always busy and then return to class? That’s a joke amongst my boys and his friends.

Do we go to the same schoo? lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS recently started 3rd grade at an area school that is progressive in nature. We deliberately sought this out after he was very successful in a play-based preschool and K program...successful as in zero issues ever mentioned. He then started at his new school for 1st grade and its been constant issues with interrupting, silliness and general disrespect for teachers. He is not a perfect child, as nobody is, but he absolutely has more control over this behavior than I feel he is exercising--he did excellent at some rigorous sports camps this summer and is very well behaved for certain teachers at school.

So my question is, did we maybe pick the wrong school for him. Obviously nobody here can answer that, but I am curious about anecdotal stories. We thought he would thrive in this environment but now I am thinking he is floundering with what might be a lack of structure or clear boundaries. We have no concerns, nor does the school with ADD, etc. In fact the school isn't even that concerned so many this is normal 8 year old boy behavior. He is my oldest so I just don't know. I don't like that he is causing disruptions for his class and teacher and that people are missing out on seeing what a great kid he is b/c he is often in trouble.

Are the teachers reporting this or have you seen it when in the classroom visiting or from others?

Our progressive lower school runs the gamut in behavior expectations teacher by teacher. Ask a sub teacher what they think.

Anyhow, yes most kids under age 15 learn more and do better with structure, clear rules, enforced rules, fair treatment. For starters you could ask the school for that sort of teacher as your child thrives and learns more with that. If the majority of the school, however is not that, I’d change schools. He’s missing out on learning and development.

OP here. thanks. school is small so its one class per grade. That has worked well the last few years because he has built so very deep friendships.

Last years teacher, who was excellent, did report there was some misbehavior but she had it under control. My son seemed to take advantage of a few specials teachers who were less experienced or maybe just had poor classroom control. This year is only week two and I have not heard anything from the school but my son has offered up that he has taken many trips outside the class, etc. bc of his behavior. His teacher is new this year so I don't her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There can also be a big change in general behavior around this age/grade, too. Kids, in general, start being less compliant little kids in 3rd grade and stretch their independence and boundaries.

That said, some teachers do struggle with classroom management -- if the child is behaving for some teachers, but not one in particular, it could be a classroom management issue, or it could be a time-of-day attention issue (hungry, tired, ready to use big muscles, etc.).

I would monitor and have regular (but not too frequent) check ins with the teacher(s) to see how the year is progressing.

yes he behaves just fine when he finds the teacher to be slightly intimidating or he is very engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS recently started 3rd grade at an area school that is progressive in nature. We deliberately sought this out after he was very successful in a play-based preschool and K program...successful as in zero issues ever mentioned. He then started at his new school for 1st grade and its been constant issues with interrupting, silliness and general disrespect for teachers. He is not a perfect child, as nobody is, but he absolutely has more control over this behavior than I feel he is exercising--he did excellent at some rigorous sports camps this summer and is very well behaved for certain teachers at school.

So my question is, did we maybe pick the wrong school for him. Obviously nobody here can answer that, but I am curious about anecdotal stories. We thought he would thrive in this environment but now I am thinking he is floundering with what might be a lack of structure or clear boundaries. We have no concerns, nor does the school with ADD, etc. In fact the school isn't even that concerned so many this is normal 8 year old boy behavior. He is my oldest so I just don't know. I don't like that he is causing disruptions for his class and teacher and that people are missing out on seeing what a great kid he is b/c he is often in trouble.

Well, there you go, OP (bolded.) What did you expect? "Progressive" when describing a school for young kids is code for "we don't believe in discipline because we cater to parents who think their kids are the greatest things ever."

[Anonymous]

What does "progressive in nature" mean?

[Anonymous]

I think you should explore ADHD more. It can present different ways, and when school gets harder is often when kids can't pay attention through all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think they have no structure or boundaries? It sounds like they do and you’re finding he can’t behave within them. And you said the school isn’t concerned but he’s often in trouble. Is he telling you he’s in trouble? Or did they tell you?

OP here. Nothing about this is about the school--its a great school, we have lots of very happy friends and my younger daughter is thriving (and would stay). This is 100% about my older son continually misbehaving in this environment when he did not in K, at home, at sports, etc.

thus far this year all I have heard is from my son--he has to leave the classroom multiple times a day, had a meeting with the guidance counselor, that type of thing. Last year we did hear from his teacher a few times but they felt they had it covered. Once a specials teacher reached out clearly flustered about what had happened in her class with my son and I responded that I would like to sit down with the head of lower school, main teacher, etc. and create more of a plan of action. They then said they had it covered. I guess I am frustrated b/c I Know he can do better and I am trying to separate what is reasonable to expect from an 8 year old at school vs what is happening to mine at his school.

I believe your heart was in the right place, OP. But you should realize there is a zero percent chance that this response was received by anyone at the school as an attempt to get a handle on your kid's behavior rather than a willingness to defend him to the end, name drop your lawyer, and impugn the specials teacher's judgment and capabilities.

[Anonymous]

So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Forget what the school does or doesn't do. He doesn't fear consequences at home. Start there and see if it all improves before you go down the whole medical issue path.

[Anonymous]

My son sounds similar (he is 16 now). We had neuropsychological testing done mid-way through 3rd grade, even though the teachers said they didn’t think it was ADHD (told us this “off the record”). We found out through testing he actually has ADHD. If your son isn’t hyperactive, teachers may not think it is ADHD. You may want to keep this in the back of your mind and don’t rule it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does "progressive in nature" mean?

The kids run the class and school, not the adults.

[Anonymous]

It works in tutorials in top colleges, but not for k-12 and definitely not for k-6 or foundational learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are enforcing the rules, it's not a lack of structure. It's more likely to be the increasing expectations for kids as they get older.

Yes I think they are enforcing the rules, but my child doesn't seem to find the consequence very compelling. Or that's my view. In other places he is very well behaved like sports, camp, etc.

Is the consequence to wander about the school looking for the principal who is always busy and then return to class? That’s a joke amongst my boys and his friends.

Gets the wiggles out!

[Anonymous]

I have a kid who is a bit like this.

I think your kid is bored and getting positive feedback of some kind for engaging in silly and disruptive behavior. Probably positive social feedback from peers. My daughter, who is also in 3rd, can be a class clown type and she's really strong academically so she can screw around and really experience no consequences in terms of what she is learning and mastering skill wise. This will of course change as she gets older.

I have talked with her a lot about when it's appropriate to be silly and when it's not. Silly is great and has a time and place. Why it is disrespectful to the teacher and other kids to be disruptive. And I tell her that I'm going to be checking in with the teacher proactively periodically (which I follow up on) and if I hear there are any issues with this, she will lose privileges at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think they have no structure or boundaries? It sounds like they do and you’re finding he can’t behave within them. And you said the school isn’t concerned but he’s often in trouble. Is he telling you he’s in trouble? Or did they tell you?

OP here. Nothing about this is about the school--its a great school, we have lots of very happy friends and my younger daughter is thriving (and would stay). This is 100% about my older son continually misbehaving in this environment when he did not in K, at home, at sports, etc.

thus far this year all I have heard is from my son--he has to leave the classroom multiple times a day, had a meeting with the guidance counselor, that type of thing. Last year we did hear from his teacher a few times but they felt they had it covered. Once a specials teacher reached out clearly flustered about what had happened in her class with my son and I responded that I would like to sit down with the head of lower school, main teacher, etc. and create more of a plan of action. They then said they had it covered. I guess I am frustrated b/c I Know he can do better and I am trying to separate what is reasonable to expect from an 8 year old at school vs what is happening to mine at his school.

This is such a strange response from you. This was your missed opportunity. Tell your son if you ever hear another report like this from any adult in the school, he will be very unhappy with the outcome and get specific. You know what that looks like for your kid. The plan is...don't do this. You tell your kid to stop. That is, if you fully believe he is capable of not doing it. Different story if you think there are medical issues involved but sounds like no if he can behave in other settings.