BIL offered our vacation home to his brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they planning to spend the night? Or just having a weird uninvited bbq/pool day? Either way, change the codes and don’t ever give them out again.

It was obvious that they’d spent at least Friday night here, sleeping on screened porch. There’s a basic bathroom in pool house (outdoor shower.) Luckily we both had to work late Friday because our normal weekend plans get us in around 10:00 on Fridays. Because there were bags of food and a big ice chest I’m guessing they intended to be here at least through weekend.
Urghhh. Just trying to let this go for now! Really wanted to just totally chill!

Wow. I was feeling sorry for them, thinking that they thought that you knew, but this means that they KNEW you DIDN'T know. That takes balls. I wouldn't cancel the Labor Day party but I would take steps to make the house more secure, with cameras etc. And I would send a written letter to BIL and this other family saying that they may not use your property without your explicit and written permission.

I was the felt bad for them poster from above and I changed my mind since they clearly knew!

+1. I think I’m less fussy about guests and personal space than most people on DCUM but giving out your private codes to someone else’s home is 100 pct not ok. I wouldn’t cancel the Labor Day party due to the kids but would not give out your house codes to then going forward

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure they should have any access to it anymore.

Cancel Labor Day weekend for sure.

[Anonymous]

No access after Labor Day without you being there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Have you asked them if this was the first time they shared the codes with others?

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. I actually think you’re going to get MORE angry the more this sinks in. I’m so sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Yeah, moving forward the house will be empty when you are not there. You can have them there for Labor Day because you will be there. But for a long while, they will not have access when you are not present. No code. No nothing. THAT is an appropriate consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Yeah, moving forward the house will be empty when you are not there. You can have them there for Labor Day because you will be there. But for a long while, they will not have access when you are not present. No code. No nothing. THAT is an appropriate consequence.

And you don’t have to make a big pronouncement. Just never say when you won’t be there. If they ever have the balls to ask if they can use it, you simply respond with, “No, that’s not possible.”

[Anonymous]

I'd need a break from them. I couldn't enjoy being around them even if I liked getting the kids together. I'd find a different outing for the kids if they wanted to visit. I'd get some distance from the event and, next year, get together at the house only if I was in a good place. I certainly wouldn't ever trust them to be there again without me. They demonstrated an appalling lack of judgment.

Team DH. I wouldn't make him be around the BIL.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t cancel the Labor Day weekend but I wouldn’t give them any more access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t disinvite them to Labor Day because of the kids. That being said, I would insist on a sit down to discuss the breach of trust.

Install ring doorbells and change the codes monthly.

Liability isn’t just about the pool either - they could have slipped and fell, experienced an injury inside the home etc.

Wrong. It’s already been discussed. SIL was nonchalant. And what exactly would that conversation sound like? Seriously.
OP: It was breach of trust to offer our house to your brother.
IL: Yeah, we know. We’re sorry and won’t do it again. We didn’t think it was a big deal.
OP: _______

The Labor Day weekend needs to be canceled. This is not some situation where kids are not getting to celebrate Christmas. It’s one weekend. As others have suggested, OP can invite another family.

Wrong? This is an opinion board, not a fact finding mission. I do not think this warrants separating the cousins from their anticipated time together. You’re free to disagree, but this is in no way about what was “discussed” or “right or wrong.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they planning to spend the night? Or just having a weird uninvited bbq/pool day? Either way, change the codes and don’t ever give them out again.

It was obvious that they’d spent at least Friday night here, sleeping on screened porch. There’s a basic bathroom in pool house (outdoor shower.) Luckily we both had to work late Friday because our normal weekend plans get us in around 10:00 on Fridays. Because there were bags of food and a big ice chest I’m guessing they intended to be here at least through weekend.
Urghhh. Just trying to let this go for now! Really wanted to just totally chill!

Wow. I was feeling sorry for them, thinking that they thought that you knew, but this means that they KNEW you DIDN'T know. That takes balls. I wouldn't cancel the Labor Day party but I would take steps to make the house more secure, with cameras etc. And I would send a written letter to BIL and this other family saying that they may not use your property without your explicit and written permission.

Is it possible they were sleeping out there because of the extreme heat and needing a breeze?

I’m hesitant to blame the couple not knowing exactly what BIL said to them about what the homeowners knew or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

It’s totally ok to say that you are restricting the codes going forward “for security purposes” and will let them know when/if there is a window of time they can utilize the house…aka no more open door policy. No matter what you decide about Labor Day, this is a totally acceptable and understandable change in position!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Have you asked them if this was the first time they shared the codes with others?

You need to assume BIL shared the code, his invitees shared the code, etc. Total lockdown from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they planning to spend the night? Or just having a weird uninvited bbq/pool day? Either way, change the codes and don’t ever give them out again.

It was obvious that they’d spent at least Friday night here, sleeping on screened porch. There’s a basic bathroom in pool house (outdoor shower.) Luckily we both had to work late Friday because our normal weekend plans get us in around 10:00 on Fridays. Because there were bags of food and a big ice chest I’m guessing they intended to be here at least through weekend.
Urghhh. Just trying to let this go for now! Really wanted to just totally chill!

Wow. I was feeling sorry for them, thinking that they thought that you knew, but this means that they KNEW you DIDN'T know. That takes balls. I wouldn't cancel the Labor Day party but I would take steps to make the house more secure, with cameras etc. And I would send a written letter to BIL and this other family saying that they may not use your property without your explicit and written permission.

Is it possible they were sleeping out there because of the extreme heat and needing a breeze?

I’m hesitant to blame the couple not knowing exactly what BIL said to them about what the homeowners knew or not.

You're funny.

[Anonymous]

I would say no more. They don't see anything wrong with what they did. I would change the codes and I would not be there on the Labor Day weekend.