Discrepancy between you want vs what you can get

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of girlfriends and I have been having some honest discussions about this. We are still single into our late 30s and have good DC type jobs. (Non profits/think tanks). We are well educated and relatively successful and we each had a certain ideas about our future husbands. We wanted a go-getter professionally successful types but those guys never seemed particularly interested in us. I can say objectively that although bright and hardworking, neither of us is particularly conventionally attractive. Those guys seem to date and marry the pretty unassuming skinny type of girls.

So here we are in a dilemma. Marry someone we do not think is "worthy" of us or stay single, as the guys we want never wanted us anyway.

WWYD?

Would you want to marry someone who thought you were not “worthy”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a doctor and so are a lot of my female friends. I have many gorgeous, intelligent, well-educated, high-earning friends with serious careers who were all looking to marry in their mid to late thirties. Just so you know these women were not average looking. They were brilliant, knockouts and all-around amazing people. Here is who they married:
1. divorced veterinarian with divorced parents and 6 year old son, joint custody in inland FL (not Miami/Palm Beach), where she had to move. He stays home with their twins and works part time while she makes like $400-500K.
2. DO (not MD) trauma surgeon and Trump / Republican voter with a VERY sedate personality, who helps not at all with their 3 kids, very irritating mother in law who lives minutes away
3. Plastic surgeon who serially cheated during the first 5-7 years of marriage while they were having multiple miscarriages trying for a second baby that they did not achieve; they moved to a medium town in a western state for his job thereby severely limiting her career
4. freelance screenwriter who is intermittently employed
5. real estate developer who cheated on her (she got paged in the OR WHILE OPERATING by the guy's AP's DH); she then hastily remarried someone else and they have several kids now.
6. Very good looking nice guy who has been long term unemployed and is a SAHD.

All of these women made it work and are still married with children.

You have to be realistic.

Realistic is an understatement.

You can disparage it all you want. They are UMC, married and have familles and gorgeous houses and are happy with their lives.

The only thing they have in common, is that although they are all affluent and successful now, none of them grew up very UMC. They all worked hard in public schools then private colleges (Princeton, Georgetown, Cornell, Swarthmore, etc) and were bred to be workhorses not show ponies. Guess who became successful as adults.

Your view of life in tremendously narrow and naive and bitter, and really - no wonder you will never be happy.

You seem not to like hearing the truth.

Your truth? No, I don't subscribe to it. I think many adults, and probably you, think there are only a handful of ways to be "successful" - and they all involve more money than most people you even know. So, settle down and stay in your lane.

I don't really know what you're hung bout here but it isn't the topic of this thread. The point is OP is aiming for a certain lifestyle without a) being able to attain similar benchmarks herself and b) not understanding the compromises people make when they marry, and how even those compromises can leave you better off than holding out for a ready-made impossible ideal. She is still in "Someday my prince will come" mode. It's much more common for women who were born well-off to expect others to fulfill that for them. Meanwhile thes women I described, all of whom had A LOT more to offer than OP, made it work with the tools at hand because they were industrious and unentitled.

It sounds like we may agree that OP is shallow and not marriage worthy, but your reaching for assumptions about me is very, very, very, very far off.

Uh, I made no assumptions about you. This post like this thread were not about you. I don't think about you. What a weird response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Some Men want women who are fun and in great shape. Some men don’t care about your degree.

Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Get a grip, truly.

If they didn't want you earlier they don't want you later.

the good news you can have a nice lifestyle if you suck it up and realize that even an average educated guy will over a lifetime giving you a better standard of living that you can achieve alone. And if you actually work at building a relationship, you will be infinitely richer in non-material ways that really, really matter (and will always have the respect of your peers).

You need quit hanging out with your fellow "leftovers" friends who are reinforcing whatever is keeping you from going for it with someone they won't consider "worth" because they are scared you will marry him and leave them more alone. So many of my friends married people I didn't think were "worth" at the time. Guess what? They are married and affluent now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a doctor and so are a lot of my female friends. I have many gorgeous, intelligent, well-educated, high-earning friends with serious careers who were all looking to marry in their mid to late thirties. Just so you know these women were not average looking. They were brilliant, knockouts and all-around amazing people. Here is who they married:
1. divorced veterinarian with divorced parents and 6 year old son, joint custody in inland FL (not Miami/Palm Beach), where she had to move. He stays home with their twins and works part time while she makes like $400-500K.
2. DO (not MD) trauma surgeon and Trump / Republican voter with a VERY sedate personality, who helps not at all with their 3 kids, very irritating mother in law who lives minutes away
3. Plastic surgeon who serially cheated during the first 5-7 years of marriage while they were having multiple miscarriages trying for a second baby that they did not achieve; they moved to a medium town in a western state for his job thereby severely limiting her career
4. freelance screenwriter who is intermittently employed
5. real estate developer who cheated on her (she got paged in the OR WHILE OPERATING by the guy's AP's DH); she then hastily remarried someone else and they have several kids now.
6. Very good looking nice guy who has been long term unemployed and is a SAHD.

All of these women made it work and are still married with children.

You have to be realistic.

Realistic is an understatement.

You can disparage it all you want. They are UMC, married and have familles and gorgeous houses and are happy with their lives.

The only thing they have in common, is that although they are all affluent and successful now, none of them grew up very UMC. They all worked hard in public schools then private colleges (Princeton, Georgetown, Cornell, Swarthmore, etc) and were bred to be workhorses not show ponies. Guess who became successful as adults.

Your view of life in tremendously narrow and naive and bitter, and really - no wonder you will never be happy.

You seem not to like hearing the truth.

Your truth? No, I don't subscribe to it. I think many adults, and probably you, think there are only a handful of ways to be "successful" - and they all involve more money than most people you even know. So, settle down and stay in your lane.

I don't really know what you're hung bout here but it isn't the topic of this thread. The point is OP is aiming for a certain lifestyle without a) being able to attain similar benchmarks herself and b) not understanding the compromises people make when they marry, and how even those compromises can leave you better off than holding out for a ready-made impossible ideal. She is still in "Someday my prince will come" mode. It's much more common for women who were born well-off to expect others to fulfill that for them. Meanwhile thes women I described, all of whom had A LOT more to offer than OP, made it work with the tools at hand because they were industrious and unentitled.

It sounds like we may agree that OP is shallow and not marriage worthy, but your reaching for assumptions about me is very, very, very, very far off.

Uh, I made no assumptions about you. This post like this thread were not about you. I don't think about you. What a weird response.

You tend to over react. You said I was off topic. I was absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

OP! You don't realize the opportunity you have. Marry someone who thinks you are above him and you will be winning the lottery. He will worship you and be a great husband. Meanwhile you need to understand that the average man no matter what will have a more successful career more easily then the average woman, that the wheels of his life are greased in a way yours are not and will not be, and the older you get the more true this is. So even marrying someone you think is beneath you now, they are unlikely to remain beneath you and you are more likely to fall beneath them, especially if you become a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of girlfriends and I have been having some honest discussions about this. We are still single into our late 30s and have good DC type jobs. (Non profits/think tanks). We are well educated and relatively successful and we each had a certain ideas about our future husbands. We wanted a go-getter professionally successful types but those guys never seemed particularly interested in us. I can say objectively that although bright and hardworking, neither of us is particularly conventionally attractive. Those guys seem to date and marry the pretty unassuming skinny type of girls.

So here we are in a dilemma. Marry someone we do not think is "worthy" of us or stay single, as the guys we want never wanted us anyway.

WWYD?

Would you want to marry someone who thought you were not “worthy”?

+1

Excellent point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for romantic partners or business partners?

OP here. After putting myself through college and graduate school and acquiring a fulfilling and interesting policy job, I really do not want to marry some average joe making 100k a year so we can squeeze into a 500k townhouse in Vienna and take yearly vacations to OBX.

I want a SHF in Chevy Chase, private school for my kids and international vacations.

Why NOT me? Only because I am not blonde and skinny?

Its depressing.

OP- you waited too long. Those of us met those guys and married them by 30.

I have a Master’s Degree and work in similar field. I have the life/husband you are looking for. Almost all of my girlfriends do as well and the lady of us married at 33.

Eh I don’t know. I was in two relationships with two different well paid men in my mid to late thirties (a surgeon and a biglaw partner). I decided I didn’t want to raise kids with someone who billed 3000 hours a year. But they both wanted to marry me. I’m a government lawyer who was probably about a seven or eight on the looks scale. Fairly thin but not super fit and brown haired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a doctor and so are a lot of my female friends. I have many gorgeous, intelligent, well-educated, high-earning friends with serious careers who were all looking to marry in their mid to late thirties. Just so you know these women were not average looking. They were brilliant, knockouts and all-around amazing people. Here is who they married:
1. divorced veterinarian with divorced parents and 6 year old son, joint custody in inland FL (not Miami/Palm Beach), where she had to move. He stays home with their twins and works part time while she makes like $400-500K.
2. DO (not MD) trauma surgeon and Trump / Republican voter with a VERY sedate personality, who helps not at all with their 3 kids, very irritating mother in law who lives minutes away
3. Plastic surgeon who serially cheated during the first 5-7 years of marriage while they were having multiple miscarriages trying for a second baby that they did not achieve; they moved to a medium town in a western state for his job thereby severely limiting her career
4. freelance screenwriter who is intermittently employed
5. real estate developer who cheated on her (she got paged in the OR WHILE OPERATING by the guy's AP's DH); she then hastily remarried someone else and they have several kids now.
6. Very good looking nice guy who has been long term unemployed and is a SAHD.

All of these women made it work and are still married with children.

You have to be realistic.

Realistic is an understatement.

You can disparage it all you want. They are UMC, married and have familles and gorgeous houses and are happy with their lives.

The only thing they have in common, is that although they are all affluent and successful now, none of them grew up very UMC. They all worked hard in public schools then private colleges (Princeton, Georgetown, Cornell, Swarthmore, etc) and were bred to be workhorses not show ponies. Guess who became successful as adults.

Your view of life in tremendously narrow and naive and bitter, and really - no wonder you will never be happy.

You seem not to like hearing the truth.

Your truth? No, I don't subscribe to it. I think many adults, and probably you, think there are only a handful of ways to be "successful" - and they all involve more money than most people you even know. So, settle down and stay in your lane.

I don't really know what you're hung bout here but it isn't the topic of this thread. The point is OP is aiming for a certain lifestyle without a) being able to attain similar benchmarks herself and b) not understanding the compromises people make when they marry, and how even those compromises can leave you better off than holding out for a ready-made impossible ideal. She is still in "Someday my prince will come" mode. It's much more common for women who were born well-off to expect others to fulfill that for them. Meanwhile thes women I described, all of whom had A LOT more to offer than OP, made it work with the tools at hand because they were industrious and unentitled.

It sounds like we may agree that OP is shallow and not marriage worthy, but your reaching for assumptions about me is very, very, very, very far off.

Uh, I made no assumptions about you. This post like this thread were not about you. I don't think about you. What a weird response.

You tend to over react. You said I was off topic. I was absolutely not.

Whatever you say. Please leave me alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, work on yourself and yes, appearance counts. Make the best of yours. Stop the bitterness and outward focus on other women, the clock is ticking. Make a plan and execute it. A trainer and hair stylist are investments. Work on your personality, are you drama free and fun to be around? Market yourself as best you can and see who is interested. Be realistic about options and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for romantic partners or business partners?

OP here. After putting myself through college and graduate school and acquiring a fulfilling and interesting policy job, I really do not want to marry some average joe making 100k a year so we can squeeze into a 500k townhouse in Vienna and take yearly vacations to OBX.

I want a SHF in Chevy Chase, private school for my kids and international vacations.

Why NOT me? Only because I am not blonde and skinny?

Its depressing.

OP- you waited too long. Those of us met those guys and married them by 30.

I have a Master’s Degree and work in similar field. I have the life/husband you are looking for. Almost all of my girlfriends do as well and the lady of us married at 33.

Eh I don’t know. I was in two relationships with two different well paid men in my mid to late thirties (a surgeon and a biglaw partner). I decided I didn’t want to raise kids with someone who billed 3000 hours a year. But they both wanted to marry me. I’m a government lawyer who was probably about a seven or eight on the looks scale. Fairly thin but not super fit and brown haired.

What did you do instead / who and when did you marry? Sounds like maybe you were short-sighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Get a grip, truly.

If they didn't want you earlier they don't want you later.

the good news you can have a nice lifestyle if you suck it up and realize that even an average educated guy will over a lifetime giving you a better standard of living that you can achieve alone. And if you actually work at building a relationship, you will be infinitely richer in non-material ways that really, really matter (and will always have the respect of your peers).

You need quit hanging out with your fellow "leftovers" friends who are reinforcing whatever is keeping you from going for it with someone they won't consider "worth" because they are scared you will marry him and leave them more alone. So many of my friends married people I didn't think were "worth" at the time. Guess what? They are married and affluent now.

This is excellent advice. I had a few friends like Op. Educated but not conventionally attractive and our of shape. When they dropped their unrealistic standards they found great husbands.

[Anonymous]

I think your pool at this point would be someone divorced with kids and 10ish years older. I would assume unless your eggs were frozen that you have accepted likely not having kids yourself.
I would give online dating a try with those flexible ages etc.

I don't think all men want "skinny" but most prefer on the slimmer side. Work out, keep your makeup/clothes/hair updated. I don't think blonde hair has anything to do with it.

Lastly, reconsider your attitude. I can see how it would be difficult to be in your position so hopefully you are sounding worse than you would come across in real life. Any decent man, divorced/older/whatever or not, is going to be turned off by entitlement like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a doctor and so are a lot of my female friends. I have many gorgeous, intelligent, well-educated, high-earning friends with serious careers who were all looking to marry in their mid to late thirties. Just so you know these women were not average looking. They were brilliant, knockouts and all-around amazing people. Here is who they married:
1. divorced veterinarian with divorced parents and 6 year old son, joint custody in inland FL (not Miami/Palm Beach), where she had to move. He stays home with their twins and works part time while she makes like $400-500K.
2. DO (not MD) trauma surgeon and Trump / Republican voter with a VERY sedate personality, who helps not at all with their 3 kids, very irritating mother in law who lives minutes away
3. Plastic surgeon who serially cheated during the first 5-7 years of marriage while they were having multiple miscarriages trying for a second baby that they did not achieve; they moved to a medium town in a western state for his job thereby severely limiting her career
4. freelance screenwriter who is intermittently employed
5. real estate developer who cheated on her (she got paged in the OR WHILE OPERATING by the guy's AP's DH); she then hastily remarried someone else and they have several kids now.
6. Very good looking nice guy who has been long term unemployed and is a SAHD.

All of these women made it work and are still married with children.

You have to be realistic.

Realistic is an understatement.

You can disparage it all you want. They are UMC, married and have familles and gorgeous houses and are happy with their lives.

The only thing they have in common, is that although they are all affluent and successful now, none of them grew up very UMC. They all worked hard in public schools then private colleges (Princeton, Georgetown, Cornell, Swarthmore, etc) and were bred to be workhorses not show ponies. Guess who became successful as adults.

Your view of life in tremendously narrow and naive and bitter, and really - no wonder you will never be happy.

You seem not to like hearing the truth.

Your truth? No, I don't subscribe to it. I think many adults, and probably you, think there are only a handful of ways to be "successful" - and they all involve more money than most people you even know. So, settle down and stay in your lane.

I don't really know what you're hung bout here but it isn't the topic of this thread. The point is OP is aiming for a certain lifestyle without a) being able to attain similar benchmarks herself and b) not understanding the compromises people make when they marry, and how even those compromises can leave you better off than holding out for a ready-made impossible ideal. She is still in "Someday my prince will come" mode. It's much more common for women who were born well-off to expect others to fulfill that for them. Meanwhile thes women I described, all of whom had A LOT more to offer than OP, made it work with the tools at hand because they were industrious and unentitled.

It sounds like we may agree that OP is shallow and not marriage worthy, but your reaching for assumptions about me is very, very, very, very far off.

Uh, I made no assumptions about you. This post like this thread were not about you. I don't think about you. What a weird response.

You tend to over react. You said I was off topic. I was absolutely not.

Whatever you say. Please leave me alone.

Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Get a grip, truly.

If they didn't want you earlier they don't want you later.

the good news you can have a nice lifestyle if you suck it up and realize that even an average educated guy will over a lifetime giving you a better standard of living that you can achieve alone. And if you actually work at building a relationship, you will be infinitely richer in non-material ways that really, really matter (and will always have the respect of your peers).

You need quit hanging out with your fellow "leftovers" friends who are reinforcing whatever is keeping you from going for it with someone they won't consider "worth" because they are scared you will marry him and leave them more alone. So many of my friends married people I didn't think were "worth" at the time. Guess what? They are married and affluent now.

This is excellent advice. I had a few friends like Op. Educated but not conventionally attractive and our of shape. When they dropped their unrealistic standards they found great husbands.

+1

Op, do you know what you want, or just money? Because that outlook will not work.