Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?
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Anonymous
You are right, that's what they say. Instead, they say "my father wanted me to be something I wasn't" "I was never good enough for him" "Dad only cared about what was on my resume, not what was in my head" "There's a reason I don't come home more than once a year" "He never listened to me; it was just directives and punishments" |
Anonymous
Oof. Your poor kids! |
Anonymous
Ok well I am not the type of parent to do this. I believe that kids are people and have free will. They have to go to school and do their best but, there is no law saying they have to play piano. I gave them the opportunities and they choose not to do it. My relationship with them was more important than the piano lessons. Kids do gravitate to what they like and will stick to that. My dd likes singing and I did not have to force her. My other dd likes drawing. You don't sound like a very nice person and if I were your kids I would choose not to be around you when I left college. |
Anonymous
Right! There's a huge difference between what this parent wants (tiger mom) versus encouraging your kid to excel at what they are interested in. Yes, I push my kids to do well and take what's rigorous for them. But I let my 1500+ student choose not to take AP English or APUSH and focus instead on AP STEM courses (ie courses they are interested in). Sure, they could do the other 2 but they would not have slept as it would take 10-15 hours/week for each of those courses at our HS, because they have an EC that takes 15-25 hours per week, sometimes more. I also let them choose that one EC (not at school) and focus on that because that's what they love to do. Are they good at it? Yes they are really good at it. Are they the best at it? No, they are not top level at it, but they give 120% and grow leaps and bounds each year from where ThEY were the previous year. So they know dedication and devotion and have a very strong work ethic. I let them pick what they wanted to do and work hard at that. They didn't do much EC at "School" as there was no interest and really not much time with AP courses and this EC. My kid has everything you desire, but doesn't have anxiety, stress to impress their parents so we can brag, and most importantly, my kid is living life and enjoying life doing what makes them happy. It is kid led and that I tend to find makes for a better adult and well rounded person. They developed the skills because they wanted to and enjoyed HS for the most part. |
Anonymous
Do people regularly complain about their parents' parenting styles to you? |
Anonymous
Similar---pick an instrument and play it thru HS, we don't care what instrument just that you pick one and practice some (not much). Same for other ECs--we require you have some activity to do other than just schoolwork---it could be a job, it could be an EC, but pick it and do your best |
Anonymous
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OP here. Okay, so there's a thin line between pushing and pushing too hard. Where do you think that line is? I don't think I'm anywhere close to it, at least compared to the parents around me (travel sports parents are the most aggressive when it comes to pushing IME). But how did you realize that you pushed too hard instead of appropriately? Did your own kids tell you? IMO kids are not the best judges of whether our parenting was appropriate or not.
How do you know? Pay attention to your kids. Some kids will tell you they don't want to do it anymore. Other kids will drag their feet and complain. Some kids erupt and get emotional. I was a crier. When I couldn't take it anymore, I burst into tears. I was put in the higher math class in MS and I kept up with the pace until 8th grade. The teacher yelled at me and I burst into tears. I went to the principal who had no issues with me moving down to the regular class. I felt immediate relief and was pretty pissed that I should've just asked to move way before I did. |
Anonymous
Yes, I hear a lot of people around me say "I wish my parents pushed me more so I could be more financially secure than I am now." |
Anonymous
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When I was applying for colleges I told my dad I wished he hadn't let me quit piano, and he said "hey, that's on you. Nobody forced you to quit. If you want to go play piano, you can go play piano."
I didn't, lol. But I appreciate him driving home the point that if I wanted to be good at something I could go make it happen instead of blaming him for it. |
Anonymous
God help any of your kids if they have a learning disorder---they would likely be a huge disappointment to you and you would not know how to deal. Have no desire to be a "tiger parent". I'd like my kids to hit adulthood and not hate me, not wish their life was different; I want them to be happy. So forcing a kid to practice an instrument or loose their phone or not let them drive seems so controlling and unhealthy. Your kid will likely grow up and want to do things differently for their own family, but may not due to family pressures. Or they might have depression and anxiety thanks to this upbringing |
Anonymous
When you're fighting with your kid most of the time. When your relationship is one of constant conflict (or the threat of conflict or punishment). When your kid starts acting out, exhibiting symptoms of anxiety, self-harm, stress, depression. Kids find ways to tell you they are hurting -- when you can't hear them or aren't listening, you're pushing too hard. When you are doing all of the motivating with external rewards and punishments, and none of it is really coming from your kid. When your kid feels like your love and approval are conditional on them being a high achiever. When their goals are really just your goals. The thing is, you won't necessarily know if you were pushing too hard (or not enough, or in the wrong direction, or in the wrong way) in the moment. That's not how parenting works. You'll find out when your kid leaves home. |
Anonymous
OP here. DC was in a similar situation until I told them that dropping to a lower math level was NOT okay. We got a tutor and did weekly study session together to prepare for every unit exam, midterm, and final. And, with both my pushing AND my support (authoritative parenting has been shown to be the most effective), it worked -- DC got excellent grades in challenging HS math classes. It was only because of my belief in them that they were able to be successful. |
Anonymous
OP here -- I know they won't because they know how to take responsibility for themselves instead of blaming me for all of their problems. |
Anonymous
There's different ways to push a kid. One is to teach them to have self-drive, ambition to do well in life, passion, desire to put out their best work, etc. Sometimes they may be having a lazy week or be a little timid about making a decision (eg. want to do volunteer work at a hospital but not sure how to start) and so you can push them by putting them in the right direction, suggesting ways they could start to look for applications, etc. Pushing in this way is good and leads to good outcomes in life, because the kid wants to seek out opportunities and do well for themselves - it's actually more so mentoring/teaching rather than "pushing". The post I replied to appears to be doing this, which is great. The second way is under threat of punishment. Push the kid to do XYZ under threat of losing time seeing friends, phone time, car access, whatever. OP is doing this. And it is substantially easier than the above method of pushing/teaching, because all you have to do is use the metaphorical stick if the kid doesn't comply. Once the kid is free of the threat of stick, they will revert back to their true natures of enjoying life day by day, because they have never actually been taught to self-motivate and how to push themselves for their own future happiness. |
Anonymous
My kids are all grown and certainly not poor. Making more than their GS15 mother. Lol. |