Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

There are so many layers here, OP. Have you seen a therapist?

Multiple things can be true at once . . . that your brother has helped your mother (to not be lonely, probably first and foremost), that your mother has enabled your brother, that your mother's empathy for your brother's situation seems to reward him for not taking care of himself like you have, that your mother isn't trying hard enough to understand YOUR situation and point of view.

You have every right to draw a line in the sand after many instances of being treated unfairly. Do what you need to do, OP. It's possible, though, that you could reach an understanding with your mother if you talked things through. Only you know if this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

There was a post here about an uncle who wanted to give unequally to his nephews. And someone said something very beautiful to the effect of -- love this nephew enough to not injure his relationship with his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

There was a post here about an uncle who wanted to give unequally to his nephews. And someone said something very beautiful to the effect of -- love this nephew enough to not injure his relationship with his brother.

That doesn't apply here. OP already dislikes the brother. I doubt and equal inheritance is going to change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many layers here, OP. Have you seen a therapist?

Multiple things can be true at once . . . that your brother has helped your mother (to not be lonely, probably first and foremost), that your mother has enabled your brother, that your mother's empathy for your brother's situation seems to reward him for not taking care of himself like you have, that your mother isn't trying hard enough to understand YOUR situation and point of view.

You have every right to draw a line in the sand after many instances of being treated unfairly. Do what you need to do, OP. It's possible, though, that you could reach an understanding with your mother if you talked things through. Only you know if this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

OP, I am in your spot, with a couple difference: I have children, my brother does not. And my parents are currently fighting on the allocation, with one parent wanting to give more to my brother and the other saying 50%/50% The poster above is right -- you need to see a therapist to understand all of the layers and your views. I really get you on the unequal treatment and being punished for being self sufficient, but it's also true that your mother thinks your brother is incapable for supporting himself and his grandkids. Can you imagine being 50 and having your mom think that about you? Do you have kids that are old enough where one worries you more than the other?

I am on your side, truly, but you also have to see that you start from a a place of functionality and it sounds like your brother does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

There was a post here about an uncle who wanted to give unequally to his nephews. And someone said something very beautiful to the effect of -- love this nephew enough to not injure his relationship with his brother.

That doesn't apply here. OP already dislikes the brother. I doubt and equal inheritance is going to change that.

Of course it still applies here. Parents should also be considering the relationship of the children with one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

There was a post here about an uncle who wanted to give unequally to his nephews. And someone said something very beautiful to the effect of -- love this nephew enough to not injure his relationship with his brother.

That doesn't apply here. OP already dislikes the brother. I doubt and equal inheritance is going to change that.

Of course it still applies here. Parents should also be considering the relationship of the children with one another.

One more thing: equal inheritance may not improve the relationship but unequal inheritance may break it beyond repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

There was a post here about an uncle who wanted to give unequally to his nephews. And someone said something very beautiful to the effect of -- love this nephew enough to not injure his relationship with his brother.

That doesn't apply here. OP already dislikes the brother. I doubt and equal inheritance is going to change that.

Of course it still applies here. Parents should also be considering the relationship of the children with one another.

One more thing: equal inheritance may not improve the relationship but unequal inheritance may break it beyond repair.

It's already broken pretty close to beyond repair given how nasty OP is being about her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

My mom pays every bill for him including food. She currently is totally healthy and fit.

And how close to them do you live?

One hour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

My mom pays every bill for him including food. She currently is totally healthy and fit.

And how close to them do you live?

One hour

Yea that's pretty far and your brother is doing most of the work. Be grateful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My mom is in excellent shape. Maybe better shape than me. Yes she may not always be that way. But not everyone needs care as they get older. Some people just die in their sleep or after a short illness. My grandma lived on her own until she died at 95. 100% independent. Yes she may need care but that is not a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is in excellent shape. Maybe better shape than me. Yes she may not always be that way. But not everyone needs care as they get older. Some people just die in their sleep or after a short illness. My grandma lived on her own until she died at 95. 100% independent. Yes she may need care but that is not a given.

Seriously, OP -- you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

My mom pays every bill for him including food. She currently is totally healthy and fit.

And how close to them do you live?

One hour

Yea that's pretty far and your brother is doing most of the work. Be grateful.

She takes care of herself. She cooks and cleans. She has a lawn care place cut her lawn.he doesn't do anything for her at this point. That is fine. She is independent anyway.

[Anonymous]

You tell her she can do what she wants with her money but that her decisions will inevitably affect relationships after she’s gone. But remind her that above all you will never feel bad for developing strong work ethic and self-sufficiency, even if that’s not something she acknowledges. Then get some help to make sure you can truly do that. It sucks that families treat members unfairly (which isn’t always equal and would be entirely different if your brother lacked skills or had extenuating circumstances)

[Anonymous]

I understand how you feel, OP. That's a lot of power to have over you, your brother and your future relationship.

For those posters who always say, "Get over it. It's their money" -- no one lives that way. Human beings are not machines. They have feelings and psychological history. etc.

An inheritance is family money. It affects the family. I'm sorry you are being hurt by this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel, OP. That's a lot of power to have over you, your brother and your future relationship.

For those posters who always say, "Get over it. It's their money" -- no one lives that way. Human beings are not machines. They have feelings and psychological history. etc.

An inheritance is family money. It affects the family. I'm sorry you are being hurt by this, OP.

Good post.


Also, all that money was earned by my dad. He would be horrified that my brother was so lazy.