SIL wants us to write her girls letters at camp

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t let my husband off the hook so easily. I’d buy 3 postcards, and write the camp address on each. Then I’d sit down with DH and kids, and I’d write one, ask DH to write two sentences, ask kids to write 1 sentence each.

[Anonymous]

It might be fun for the kids to receive messages other than on a phone. I have a stash of postcards and send them off to people for fun.

[Anonymous]

Do you guys get how important it is for OP’s kids to see NOT JUST OP doing this kind of thing? That’s where I really would make it so that my kids are aware that DH is scribbling one lousy postcard. Make it a family activity.

“Just do it…oh in the time it takes you to complain, you could do it…it’s for kids.” Yes, yes, yes. But if OP just does it, then she is yet another mother modeling for her children that family relationships are women’s work. This is important. Modeling how we want our kids to be is important.

Look at a bunch of moms of boys on here, gearing up to raise yet another generation of minimal-contact brothers, sons, nephews, etc.

[Anonymous]

Eh the grandparents probably asked for the address so they could write and your SIL included you in the email to be nice. I wouldn't feel like you have to write unless your niece writes to you.

We never wrote to our niece and nephew and still have good relationships with them.

[Anonymous]

Who knows why, but while I don’t want to take on care of my in-laws, nieces and nephews are fine. Hasn’t every lucky person had an aunt who did cool things for them? Cut out some cartoons or send a comic or a post card to them. Maybe your kids will benefit from an aunt of more generous outlook too. Camp letter writing is is a gift on so many levels. So is a fun aunt. Let your husband deal with Christmas gifts or whatever. This can be done with little effort for larger value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

LOL. I am so glad I didn’t marry a complete dolt like you apparently did. My husband 100% is engaged with gifts, calls, correspondence, and vacation and visit logistics with his family. Because my husband has a brain, a calendar, and a basic sense of family duty, he does indeed remember birthdays and whatnot. I am so sorry you got a dud, but that doesn’t mean “this sort of thing is a female thing.”

Again, some more: here in plain sight we have a bunch of DCUM women raising another generation of checked-out sons, husbands and nephews. Don’t you dare complain when your adult son sends you zippy on Mother’s Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom sent us to camp with pre addressed envelopes to write to certain family members. Then they wrote back. Seems like the nicer way to do it.

Wont get to them in time if it’s a week camp. Most camps suggest letters are sent by a certain date for the camper to receive them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure. My SIL dropped the rope and now my kids never get presents or cards for birthdays and Christmas from my brother and his family. You too can drop the rope, just so long as you're fine not having relationships with your nieces and nephews.

Your brother is pretty awful. Nature, nurture or both? Good for his wife for not trying to “fix” his relationships with his family: that’s his choice.

FWIW, it means she is also choosing not to have a good relationship with the kids who call her "aunt." They're not as hung up on the fact that she is their aunt "by marriage." In their minds, she's just their aunt, and in that family, neither the uncle nor the aunt seem to care to get to know the kids.

I was team no need to write the girls, but this hit me. Both my parents had only brothers. Yes, men need to get better at this stuff but I watched my aunts fawn over their nieces and nephews by blood and basically ignore us. Why not build the relationship?[/quote]

Maybe they were shut down? Maybe they tried but, your mom/dad didn't want it or encourage it? Sometimes you give up when you are hitting your head on the wall all in the name of "boundaries"

[Anonymous]

Do most camps still have you send letters? Ours uses an online system and then they print the letters out for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to do it, but it would take 5 minutes to scrawl a couple sentences, and it would likely make your niece happy. Why wouldn't you do it?

Exactly. Some of you guys are too much. You can't quickly send a card to a niece? Sheesh. Get over yourselves.

[Anonymous]

I loved getting mail while at summer camp. I also never really saw my family differentiate between in laws; it wasn’t my uncle’s wife writing me a note, it was my aunt (regardless of blood affiliation). Seriously, how unkind do you have to be to ask permission to not send a kid a few sentences or a postcard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cute postcards with a sentence or two and done.

Yep. I would do this.

I'm an old DCUM. My kids and their cousins are all in their 20s, except for one who is 17. One of the great pleasures I've had in life is seeing my nieces and nephews grow up. Another is seeing how much my kids love being with their cousins and with their aunts and uncles. I'm grateful to my sibs and sibs-in-law for always being there for my kids, and I try to show that gratitude by reciprocating. OP, would it kill you to send a postcard? And right after you do that, have a loving and civil talk with your DH about how you need him to pull his weight on keeping the extended family ties strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve already invested 100x the mental energy in this than your husband will.

My in-laws send these kinds of messages by group text rather than email. I respond to the group text “DH, make sure you do this!” And then I drop the rope, having publicly announced that it’s his task to do or not.

Hmmm . . . I don't like to do the laundry on the group text. I would respond with "Will do. Hope Larla has a fabulous time at camp!" Then, I would privately text DH and say, "When do you want to send a card? I'll do one too and we can ask the kids to send another." That's just me -- I like the team approach.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your SIL is nervous about her kid going to camp and is channeling it into this. That's a minor annoyance, but also, think about a time you felt insecure or nervous and how kindness may have helped you.

She's not asking you to call, visit, or send a care package -- she's asking you to send a letter. Next time you're at Target get a card a pack of stickers, and throw them in the mail with "Hope you're having a great time!"

There is zero harm in that, and in the end, it's an overall nice positive thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure. My SIL dropped the rope and now my kids never get presents or cards for birthdays and Christmas from my brother and his family. You too can drop the rope, just so long as you're fine not having relationships with your nieces and nephews.

Your brother is pretty awful. Nature, nurture or both? Good for his wife for not trying to “fix” his relationships with his family: that’s his choice.

FWIW, it means she is also choosing not to have a good relationship with the kids who call her "aunt." They're not as hung up on the fact that she is their aunt "by marriage." In their minds, she's just their aunt, and in that family, neither the uncle nor the aunt seem to care to get to know the kids.

I was team no need to write the girls, but this hit me. Both my parents had only brothers. Yes, men need to get better at this stuff but I watched my aunts fawn over their nieces and nephews by blood and basically ignore us. Why not build the relationship?[/quote]

Maybe they were shut down? Maybe they tried but, your mom/dad didn't want it or encourage it? Sometimes you give up when you are hitting your head on the wall all in the name of "boundaries"

I'm sure this happens in a lot of families, but did not seem to be the case in mine at all. I think my four aunts just gravitated to their siblings' children rather than their husband's siblings' children. Like aunts would host both sides of family for Christmas but only buy gifts for their side. Likely my uncles dropped the ball. It has continued in adulthood with wedding/baby showers, birthdays, etc. It's not a huge deal, but neither is 5 minutes to drop a card in the mail.