Putting in one-sided effort for your kids to see their cousins

[Anonymous]

^^ Also these are my kids’ only cousins, so it’s important to me for them to know each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

My kid and his younger cousins do love each other. We only live about 30-40 minutes away and we only see them 3-4 times a year.

My sister doesn't work and has all the free time in the world, but has untreated mental health issues.

Typically her husband will bring the kids for holiday get-togethers and the family beach week.

At this point, I just try to make sure the cousins get to see each other every few months.

I've pretty much given up on my sister, though.

Without more details it sounds like you are unconscionably unconcerned about a closer relative’s serious mental health issue. Would you similarly blow her off if she had chronic breast cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

My kid and his younger cousins do love each other. We only live about 30-40 minutes away and we only see them 3-4 times a year.

My sister doesn't work and has all the free time in the world, but has untreated mental health issues.

Typically her husband will bring the kids for holiday get-togethers and the family beach week.

At this point, I just try to make sure the cousins get to see each other every few months.

I've pretty much given up on my sister, though.

Without more details it sounds like you are unconscionably unconcerned about a closer relative’s serious mental health issue. Would you similarly blow her off if she had chronic breast cancer?

You're right that you don't have the details. My sister has bipolar disorder. I have been her caretaker many, many times--basically for most of our teens-twenties. I have taken her to the hospital when she was suicidal. I have fostered her children when she's gone on manic sprees.

She is over 40 and chooses not to medicate because she loves her mania--loves it when she's "up" and the "life of the party." Then she goes into hiding for months at a time when she is in her depressive stage. I love her but can't be her caretaker. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

My kid and his younger cousins do love each other. We only live about 30-40 minutes away and we only see them 3-4 times a year.

My sister doesn't work and has all the free time in the world, but has untreated mental health issues.

Typically her husband will bring the kids for holiday get-togethers and the family beach week.

At this point, I just try to make sure the cousins get to see each other every few months.

I've pretty much given up on my sister, though.

Without more details it sounds like you are unconscionably unconcerned about a closer relative’s serious mental health issue. Would you similarly blow her off if she had chronic breast cancer?

You're right that you don't have the details. My sister has bipolar disorder. I have been her caretaker many, many times--basically for most of our teens-twenties. I have taken her to the hospital when she was suicidal. I have fostered her children when she's gone on manic sprees.

She is over 40 and chooses not to medicate because she loves her mania--loves it when she's "up" and the "life of the party." Then she goes into hiding for months at a time when she is in her depressive stage. I love her but can't be her caretaker. It is what it is.

I don’t think people who make the comments above yours deal with family members who refuse to care for themselves. You can’t force your sister to visit an oncologist either.

[Anonymous]

Their cousins they're not biological twins. Oh my gosh you people. No I'm not going to go out of my way so my kids can see their cousins. If we see them we see them and that is typically at family functions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

Me, too. This isn't about what your sister does, OP, it is about what you do for your kids. Would I do it for my kids? Yes. I want them exposed to family and I want them to know their cousins. Yes, I would make the effort.

+1 to both of these. They are your kids' only cousins. Ignore your sister's lack of effort and focus on what you want your kids to get out of the relationship with their cousins. Do what you can to foster that now so that your kids have a bigger family than just your nuclear family. Even if the parent siblings don't get along, the cousins can and that's everything to me as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation and we just returned from a trip to see my brother and his kids. It’s a 2.5 hour flight from here, and we do this at least twice a year. They haven’t been here since 2017. I’m resentful but keep going to keep up the cousin relationship as the kids get along really well. Sorry you’re in this place too, OP.

Hugs PP. (OP here.) Our parents are gone and she is my only sibling. I'm thankful my husband's family is large and close (although has plenty of its own drama) but I feel like my FOO is almost non-existent.

OP, this post of yours is the REAL issue here -- not the cousins thing. At all. This is really about your feeling that your family of origin is nonexistent and that your sister--to be very blunt-- does not seem as interested in maintaining that FOO bond as you yourself are. I'm genuinely sorry, OP. But let's at least call the problem what it really is. I'm sure you do want your kids to know their cousins but the cousins also represent the last chance for you to feel like your FOO is growing, not vanishing. Would you say that's a correct assessment?

First, as someone has noted above already, the cousin "bond," while nice, is not essential. I know there are many on this site who will leap to say it is, they're close as siblings with their cousins, kids "need" cousins etc. That's fine for them, but it's not always a bond that distance and time and other family relationships can make happen. And one does have to MAKE it happen. Especially with distances involved.

If your sister weren't moving farther away so soon, I would ask you: Have you used your words and clearly, frankly said, "We come to you; you never come to us. I'm inviting you to come officially. Let's sit down right now and work out dates." Have you ever invited her specifically, or have you mostly just hoped she would want to come enough that she would initiate a trip? Have you ever told her openly that it hurts you that you always go them but they don't come to you? In short, have you "used your words" or just hoped and hoped she'd reciprocate, or rather, she'd show she cared for you enough to want to come? (Again -- this is about you and her as siblings, not the cousins as cousins, right?) Becuase she's moving this is somewhat moot but not entirely. I'd have a serious, kid-free talk with her and say you wish you'd been more assertive about asking them to come visit (if that's the case, not sure if you have asked or not), that you fear losing the relationship with her once she moves, etc. Tell her. It can't hurt -- it's not like she's going to get mad and move away from you because she's already doing so. Ask if you and she can set up FIRM dates for exchanging visits in the next 12 months. One from her and the kids to you, one from you and your kids to her. Don't make it close to the time of the move (too much going on) or close to the start of anyone's school year. Maybe avoid the holidays; they can be so weighted with expectations and emotions and claims on our time.

Then double down hard on involving yourself and your kids with DH's family and OP, ensure you have plenty of fulfilling friends just for you as an adult. Not ONLY "kids' parents friends." I know, that can be hard with kids, school, busy-ness. Maybe consider seeing a counselor about the feelings re: your FOO shrinking. It's a normal process for many but not an easy one. By the way, if you find yourself comparing your FOO to your husband's FOO--please try not to compare. "Comparison is the thief of joy," the saying goes. Maybe find more joy in his family and in the family you and he have made. Your family with him is a complete one, even without cousins.

There is some good advice here. Too bad it's interspersed with the "use your words" nonsense. OP is presumably not a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Eh, if OP is not speaking up she needs to be told to speak the hell up. What advice do YOU have to offer, other than dissing the phrase "use your words"? Nothing? OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

My kid and his younger cousins do love each other. We only live about 30-40 minutes away and we only see them 3-4 times a year.

My sister doesn't work and has all the free time in the world, but has untreated mental health issues.

Typically her husband will bring the kids for holiday get-togethers and the family beach week.

At this point, I just try to make sure the cousins get to see each other every few months.

I've pretty much given up on my sister, though.

Without more details it sounds like you are unconscionably unconcerned about a closer relative’s serious mental health issue. Would you similarly blow her off if she had chronic breast cancer?

You're right that you don't have the details. My sister has bipolar disorder. I have been her caretaker many, many times--basically for most of our teens-twenties. I have taken her to the hospital when she was suicidal. I have fostered her children when she's gone on manic sprees.

She is over 40 and chooses not to medicate because she loves her mania--loves it when she's "up" and the "life of the party." Then she goes into hiding for months at a time when she is in her depressive stage. I love her but can't be her caretaker. It is what it is.

God, her poor kids. Your explanation makes it even more apparent that you need to keep making the effort. It sounds like those kids really need you even if you are only there every few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT in your shoes and what I realized is - You are putting in the effort of driving. But she is putting in the effort of hosting, which is not insignificant if you’re staying overnight or for the weekend. I assume she is welcoming of you when you come? Some people hate to leave their homes. Also she may have more stresses in her life than you so it’s harder to get away.

Considering all the posts here that revolve around the burden of hosting, I am surprised how easily people dismiss the sister’s hosting claiming that OP does all the work.

This is why you switch and take turns. All adults should know this without being told.

[Anonymous]

This is my brother. We will keep doing it. Life’s too short and I wanna do right by my kids.

[Anonymous]

My brother and sil live near my parents (4 hour drive) so it is pretty much always us driving to them because we get to stay with the grandparents and have a grand old time. When my parents die (they are quite old), I’m not sure what will happen to the cousin relationship as they come visit DC like once every three years if even, and then stay for literally 24 hours so we barely get to do anything when they’re here. I’ve asked why so few visits and the answer is that sports activities take up their weekend so weekends won’t work, and vacations won’t work either (not sure why). Ive let it go. It’s sort of their loss as we live in DC and there is tons to do and see here so it’s definitely a missed opportunity on their end. The kids enjoy seeing their cousins when we go there and I honestly don’t mind it as long as my parents are still alive and can house is during our visits. But if it were my sister and not my sister in law, I’d definitely be more WTF in her face about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

My kid and his younger cousins do love each other. We only live about 30-40 minutes away and we only see them 3-4 times a year.

My sister doesn't work and has all the free time in the world, but has untreated mental health issues.

Typically her husband will bring the kids for holiday get-togethers and the family beach week.

At this point, I just try to make sure the cousins get to see each other every few months.

I've pretty much given up on my sister, though.

Without more details it sounds like you are unconscionably unconcerned about a closer relative’s serious mental health issue. Would you similarly blow her off if she had chronic breast cancer?

You're right that you don't have the details. My sister has bipolar disorder. I have been her caretaker many, many times--basically for most of our teens-twenties. I have taken her to the hospital when she was suicidal. I have fostered her children when she's gone on manic sprees.

She is over 40 and chooses not to medicate because she loves her mania--loves it when she's "up" and the "life of the party." Then she goes into hiding for months at a time when she is in her depressive stage. I love her but can't be her caretaker. It is what it is.

God, her poor kids. Your explanation makes it even more apparent that you need to keep making the effort. It sounds like those kids really need you even if you are only there every few months.

Totally agree, you’re doing the right thing. Your neices and nephews will realize all the work you put in when they’re older and they will appreciate you even more for it. Take the long view.