Putting in one-sided effort for your kids to see their cousins

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Is she your older sister with older kids? Some of you are reporting quite a lot of siblings visits. That seems really hard as kids grow into their own activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Is she your older sister with older kids? Some of you are reporting quite a lot of siblings visits. That seems really hard as kids grow into their own activities.

I agree with this, the kids in question here have to be pretty little. And the reality is that many of these close young cousin relationships won't last thru adolescence and into adulthood. Kids' individual interests become much more important as they get older and many close cousins will stop having things in common, which can be a death knell during ther teen years. My young adult kids and their cousins have grown completely apart, and my younger kid doesn't even really remember the early days that well (our visits started to grow more infrequent when he was around 8, due to older sibling's and cousins' growing time constraints).

So make these trips if it's worth it to YOU, because being with your sister and her family brings you joy. It is sad (and inconvenient) that your sister doesn't reciprocate, but not the deciding factor here. Unless your sister doesn't want you to come at all, she is accommodating your preference by hosting you so frequently (and presumably graciously, since nothing in your post indicates that the visits are unpleasant in any way). Continue to visit as often as you like because it's what YOU want.

Also, do not assume that because your sister doesn't make an effort that she doesn't value your relationship. If she didn't care, she would rebuff your efforts to visit. Maybe she cares somewhat less than you do, maybe she cares even more than you do but something else prevents her from reciprocating. There is nothing to be gained from weighing your relationship this way. She's your sister and it sounds like she's important to you and this is what she's offering at this time in her life.

[Anonymous]

I'd make the effort for the yearly trip if it seemed it was worth it to the kids and you had a good visit with your sister. Is there a mid-point place to visit for a couple of days that is fun and sister would agree to traveling? If not, reading the room might be the best, and the focus should maybe shift to DH family and developing bonds with your 'chosen' family of friends.

[Anonymous]

I dropped the rope on this type of relationship with my SIL, who lives 6 hours away. My kids have cousins on my side of the family and we focus on those relationships, which are reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

I would make the effort because I want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins.

We like to play JackBox games with each other on Zoom. Maybe start adding some Zoom dates so the cousins can have fun with each other in between visits?

As for your sister, what do you think is going on for her not to initiate trips to see you? Do you think she just assumes you don't mind making the trip? Have you asked her to come for a specific reason, to see your new house or when a concert will be in town or something? Does she still refuse then?

I do understand how it feels like rejection whether she's doing it intentionally or obliviously. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. It’s only gotten harder as the kids have gotten older (and complicated by the fact that the cousin closest to my kids in age is actually my aunt’s daughter). We still make the effort, but it stings sometimes.

My young adult daughter lives in NY now, and the cousin, who is just a year older and lives in Boston, has been posting photos from NY all week but bo plans to meet up, even for a quick coffee. She’ll be happy to see us when we all go up to New England this summer, but she won’t bother to reach out otherwise. Over the course of my kids’ childhood, we have visited her and her mom at least once every year. They’ve visited us about 5 times (kids are all in their early 20s now). I love them both dearly, and they do sustain the relationship in other ways, but visits are really lopsided.

Meanwhile, my 30something cousin on the other side will be in NY next week for a very quick trip and has contacted my daughter to see about getting together. He and his sister always do whenever they’re nearby. The kids definitely the difference between cousins on the two sides.

Sorry to go off on my own tangent, OP. Your post stirred up a lot of things I’ve been noticing/thinking about for a long time.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard. We are like this with my IL but I think it’s more of a resource issue for my SIL family. We do more than half but also ask if they want to join us on a vacation so we don’t spend all our time off work in the not so excited home town of my Il or SIL. We rent a house and invite them to join us. We love them and it’s is so fun.

I have less patience with my DH parents because they have tons of time and money but we still mostly go to them. I would not mind if they weren’t making trips to Bed and breakfasts all the time. It hurts my DH that they are willing to travel, just not to us. Oh well. We put in the effort we are willing to and the chips fall where they lie.

[Anonymous]

I’m on the other side of this. My SIL always comes here and we rarely go there.

She and her husband have done some very hurtful things to our family in the past 15 years and we are just done with it. She is trying to make amends but everything is fake. We’ve been through this cycle before where her and her husband fly off the handle at us (or the other siblings/parents who all live locally) and then we have to go groveling back. Once we stopped the groveling, the whole dynamic changed.

Truth is that they bring much more stress into our lives and after 15 years DH and I are done with it. We’ve decided we’re ok if cousins aren’t BFFs (which made me a bit sad because I’m really close my cousins) as long as everyone can remain cordial and minimize the time together - so we rarely go to their place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people get too obsessed with the whole cousins thing. Chill. Let it happen when you see them. If they don't reciprocate NBD. If the cousins like eachother, they will push it with their parents. Maybe your kids are into it and their kids aren't. Just seeing eachother because the parents or a parent thinks it's important does not foster life long bonds.

My parents were obsessed with the whole cousins things and so were their parents. It did nothing. Lots of fake pretending to be a close family. No relationship once everyone was an adult.

My kids do like her kids, and she claims the reverse is true but it doesn’t feel that way. You are probably right, I just know I stop that will literally just be the end of it. It’s hard.

You have yet to tell us the ages of her kids and yours, and that makes a huge difference.

One of my sister's kids has never had any time for any of the cousins or their own sibling. One of my kids used to worship the unfriendly cousin, and it was years -- more than a decade -- before it became clear to my kid that the cousin was just a vortex.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a good time, and feel welcome when you’re there?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but I really don't care the relationship my children have with their cousins. We see them at family events and holidays and to me that's enough. If my in-laws or my siblings want to get together more often and come and visit they are more than welcome but I'm not packing up my kids and driving them around just to hang out with cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

3 hours now. But they are relocating soon and it will be 7-8 hours. Which basically means we will almost never see them. There is no way I can do that drive more than 1x a year, and it seems unlikely she will do it...ever.

My sister moved from being 1.5 hours away to being 9 hours away. We still try and see each other every other month or every quarter at the least. So far this year we have seen her and her family 4 times in 6 months and going to be 5 when we go up in July. If you want to see each other make the effort. My family has driven 2 times and her family drove once and flew once.

But she is reciprocating. That is a big difference.

right? like what does that have to do with the price of beans,PP? the OP is tired of being the one to go out of her way to see family. the sister sits back and lets her do all the work.

not the case with your situation at all.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t. It seems like a lot of trouble for little reward.

[Anonymous]

I stopped making this totally one-sided effort, and none of my 3 siblings & their families ever really bothered with me again. So my kids have no relationships with their cousins and haven’t seen them in several years. We are like 3-4 hours from all 3 of them (they all live within an hour radius of each other so they get together often & never invite us, much less come to visit us. I guess there are enough of them that my kids & I aren’t really worth the extra effort?). Anyway, I no longer have any interest in those relationships.

[Anonymous]

I gave up in a situation like this right before the pandemic. I was the one flying to Alaska (no, I’m not kidding), hosting cousins at my house in DC, trying to arrange Facetimes, etc. My sister and BIL were always just saying they were too busy, work was crazy, they didn’t have time to host us, their kids couldn’t sleep at our house, jetlag, etc. Then it came out that they were traveling basically monthly and all over to Hawaii, Mexico, Louisiana, Florida, etc. They just didn’t want to use their time off or energy to see family.

My DD is relieved because she does not like her cousins. I used to feel guilty but I decided I don’t like my sister either so it all works out.