Putting in one-sided effort for your kids to see their cousins

[Anonymous]

When this effort is rarely reciprocated. Ie: your sibling lives out of town (neither of you in/near the “hometown”)

Do you do it for your own kids even if your sibling doesn’t do the same? My kids love their cousins but I find it hurtful how my sister never brings her kids to us. Sigh. I’m not sure what my question is. We are driving this weekend (again) to see them. It’s been 6 months since we did it last. It’s been at least 3 years since she came to us, during which time we went down 6-8 times. If I stop going the kids will just not know one another. I guess she’s okay with that?

[Anonymous]

How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

3 hours now. But they are relocating soon and it will be 7-8 hours. Which basically means we will almost never see them. There is no way I can do that drive more than 1x a year, and it seems unlikely she will do it...ever.

[Anonymous]

I think people get too obsessed with the whole cousins thing. Chill. Let it happen when you see them. If they don't reciprocate NBD. If the cousins like eachother, they will push it with their parents. Maybe your kids are into it and their kids aren't. Just seeing eachother because the parents or a parent thinks it's important does not foster life long bonds.

My parents were obsessed with the whole cousins things and so were their parents. It did nothing. Lots of fake pretending to be a close family. No relationship once everyone was an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people get too obsessed with the whole cousins thing. Chill. Let it happen when you see them. If they don't reciprocate NBD. If the cousins like eachother, they will push it with their parents. Maybe your kids are into it and their kids aren't. Just seeing eachother because the parents or a parent thinks it's important does not foster life long bonds.

My parents were obsessed with the whole cousins things and so were their parents. It did nothing. Lots of fake pretending to be a close family. No relationship once everyone was an adult.

My kids do like her kids, and she claims the reverse is true but it doesn’t feel that way. You are probably right, I just know I stop that will literally just be the end of it. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

It's your sister. Why can't you just say "hey girl, I'm tired of driving to you, we miss you guys come visit us". That's what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your sister. Why can't you just say "hey girl, I'm tired of driving to you, we miss you guys come visit us". That's what I would do.

I would love it if we had that type of relationship. She would just get defensive and tell me all the reasons why not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your sister. Why can't you just say "hey girl, I'm tired of driving to you, we miss you guys come visit us". That's what I would do.

I would love it if we had that type of relationship. She would just get defensive and tell me all the reasons why not.

Well that's a bummer. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

I’m in this situation and we just returned from a trip to see my brother and his kids. It’s a 2.5 hour flight from here, and we do this at least twice a year. They haven’t been here since 2017. I’m resentful but keep going to keep up the cousin relationship as the kids get along really well. Sorry you’re in this place too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation and we just returned from a trip to see my brother and his kids. It’s a 2.5 hour flight from here, and we do this at least twice a year. They haven’t been here since 2017. I’m resentful but keep going to keep up the cousin relationship as the kids get along really well. Sorry you’re in this place too, OP.

Hugs PP. (OP here.) Our parents are gone and she is my only sibling. I'm thankful my husband's family is large and close (although has plenty of its own drama) but I feel like my FOO is almost non-existent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

3 hours now. But they are relocating soon and it will be 7-8 hours. Which basically means we will almost never see them. There is no way I can do that drive more than 1x a year, and it seems unlikely she will do it...ever.

My sister moved from being 1.5 hours away to being 9 hours away. We still try and see each other every other month or every quarter at the least. So far this year we have seen her and her family 4 times in 6 months and going to be 5 when we go up in July. If you want to see each other make the effort. My family has driven 2 times and her family drove once and flew once.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don’t know that I’d put in extraordinary effort just for cousins; if only bother if you genuinely want to see your sister. I only saw my cousins once every 2-5 years growing up (east coast/west coast divide and we’re not made of money as a family) and I’m fond of but not super close to them as adults. I think that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

3 hours now. But they are relocating soon and it will be 7-8 hours. Which basically means we will almost never see them. There is no way I can do that drive more than 1x a year, and it seems unlikely she will do it...ever.

My sister moved from being 1.5 hours away to being 9 hours away. We still try and see each other every other month or every quarter at the least. So far this year we have seen her and her family 4 times in 6 months and going to be 5 when we go up in July. If you want to see each other make the effort. My family has driven 2 times and her family drove once and flew once.

But she is reciprocating. That is a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation and we just returned from a trip to see my brother and his kids. It’s a 2.5 hour flight from here, and we do this at least twice a year. They haven’t been here since 2017. I’m resentful but keep going to keep up the cousin relationship as the kids get along really well. Sorry you’re in this place too, OP.

Hugs PP. (OP here.) Our parents are gone and she is my only sibling. I'm thankful my husband's family is large and close (although has plenty of its own drama) but I feel like my FOO is almost non-existent.

OP, this post of yours is the REAL issue here -- not the cousins thing. At all. This is really about your feeling that your family of origin is nonexistent and that your sister--to be very blunt-- does not seem as interested in maintaining that FOO bond as you yourself are. I'm genuinely sorry, OP. But let's at least call the problem what it really is. I'm sure you do want your kids to know their cousins but the cousins also represent the last chance for you to feel like your FOO is growing, not vanishing. Would you say that's a correct assessment?

First, as someone has noted above already, the cousin "bond," while nice, is not essential. I know there are many on this site who will leap to say it is, they're close as siblings with their cousins, kids "need" cousins etc. That's fine for them, but it's not always a bond that distance and time and other family relationships can make happen. And one does have to MAKE it happen. Especially with distances involved.

If your sister weren't moving farther away so soon, I would ask you: Have you used your words and clearly, frankly said, "We come to you; you never come to us. I'm inviting you to come officially. Let's sit down right now and work out dates." Have you ever invited her specifically, or have you mostly just hoped she would want to come enough that she would initiate a trip? Have you ever told her openly that it hurts you that you always go them but they don't come to you? In short, have you "used your words" or just hoped and hoped she'd reciprocate, or rather, she'd show she cared for you enough to want to come? (Again -- this is about you and her as siblings, not the cousins as cousins, right?) Becuase she's moving this is somewhat moot but not entirely. I'd have a serious, kid-free talk with her and say you wish you'd been more assertive about asking them to come visit (if that's the case, not sure if you have asked or not), that you fear losing the relationship with her once she moves, etc. Tell her. It can't hurt -- it's not like she's going to get mad and move away from you because she's already doing so. Ask if you and she can set up FIRM dates for exchanging visits in the next 12 months. One from her and the kids to you, one from you and your kids to her. Don't make it close to the time of the move (too much going on) or close to the start of anyone's school year. Maybe avoid the holidays; they can be so weighted with expectations and emotions and claims on our time.

Then double down hard on involving yourself and your kids with DH's family and OP, ensure you have plenty of fulfilling friends just for you as an adult. Not ONLY "kids' parents friends." I know, that can be hard with kids, school, busy-ness. Maybe consider seeing a counselor about the feelings re: your FOO shrinking. It's a normal process for many but not an easy one. By the way, if you find yourself comparing your FOO to your husband's FOO--please try not to compare. "Comparison is the thief of joy," the saying goes. Maybe find more joy in his family and in the family you and he have made. Your family with him is a complete one, even without cousins.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would continue the one sided effort for the sake of my kids.