Putting in one-sided effort for your kids to see their cousins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up in a situation like this right before the pandemic. I was the one flying to Alaska (no, I’m not kidding), hosting cousins at my house in DC, trying to arrange Facetimes, etc. My sister and BIL were always just saying they were too busy, work was crazy, they didn’t have time to host us, their kids couldn’t sleep at our house, jetlag, etc. Then it came out that they were traveling basically monthly and all over to Hawaii, Mexico, Louisiana, Florida, etc. They just didn’t want to use their time off or energy to see family.

My DD is relieved because she does not like her cousins. I used to feel guilty but I decided I don’t like my sister either so it all works out.

Stories like this make me wonder what’s going on inside people’s heads. You spent all that time, money, and energy on trying to force a relationship on people who don’t even like each other, to the point that your daughter felt relief when you stopped, and it turns out you didn’t like them or want a relationship with them either. That would be like forcing the family to eat beets every night for dinner, dealing with all that prep and nastiness, knowing no one in your family even likes beets, just because you felt like you should all like beets for some reason.

[Anonymous]

It's not a priority for her. If it is for you, then yes, you will have to make the trip.

[Anonymous]

Nope. spend that time making friends with people who can become other family for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation and we just returned from a trip to see my brother and his kids. It’s a 2.5 hour flight from here, and we do this at least twice a year. They haven’t been here since 2017. I’m resentful but keep going to keep up the cousin relationship as the kids get along really well. Sorry you’re in this place too, OP.

Hugs PP. (OP here.) Our parents are gone and she is my only sibling. I'm thankful my husband's family is large and close (although has plenty of its own drama) but I feel like my FOO is almost non-existent.

OP, this post of yours is the REAL issue here -- not the cousins thing. At all. This is really about your feeling that your family of origin is nonexistent and that your sister--to be very blunt-- does not seem as interested in maintaining that FOO bond as you yourself are. I'm genuinely sorry, OP. But let's at least call the problem what it really is. I'm sure you do want your kids to know their cousins but the cousins also represent the last chance for you to feel like your FOO is growing, not vanishing. Would you say that's a correct assessment?

First, as someone has noted above already, the cousin "bond," while nice, is not essential. I know there are many on this site who will leap to say it is, they're close as siblings with their cousins, kids "need" cousins etc. That's fine for them, but it's not always a bond that distance and time and other family relationships can make happen. And one does have to MAKE it happen. Especially with distances involved.

If your sister weren't moving farther away so soon, I would ask you: Have you used your words and clearly, frankly said, "We come to you; you never come to us. I'm inviting you to come officially. Let's sit down right now and work out dates." Have you ever invited her specifically, or have you mostly just hoped she would want to come enough that she would initiate a trip? Have you ever told her openly that it hurts you that you always go them but they don't come to you? In short, have you "used your words" or just hoped and hoped she'd reciprocate, or rather, she'd show she cared for you enough to want to come? (Again -- this is about you and her as siblings, not the cousins as cousins, right?) Becuase she's moving this is somewhat moot but not entirely. I'd have a serious, kid-free talk with her and say you wish you'd been more assertive about asking them to come visit (if that's the case, not sure if you have asked or not), that you fear losing the relationship with her once she moves, etc. Tell her. It can't hurt -- it's not like she's going to get mad and move away from you because she's already doing so. Ask if you and she can set up FIRM dates for exchanging visits in the next 12 months. One from her and the kids to you, one from you and your kids to her. Don't make it close to the time of the move (too much going on) or close to the start of anyone's school year. Maybe avoid the holidays; they can be so weighted with expectations and emotions and claims on our time.

Then double down hard on involving yourself and your kids with DH's family and OP, ensure you have plenty of fulfilling friends just for you as an adult. Not ONLY "kids' parents friends." I know, that can be hard with kids, school, busy-ness. Maybe consider seeing a counselor about the feelings re: your FOO shrinking. It's a normal process for many but not an easy one. By the way, if you find yourself comparing your FOO to your husband's FOO--please try not to compare. "Comparison is the thief of joy," the saying goes. Maybe find more joy in his family and in the family you and he have made. Your family with him is a complete one, even without cousins.

There is some good advice here. Too bad it's interspersed with the "use your words" nonsense. OP is presumably not a toddler throwing a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn’t

[Anonymous]

No, spend time making good friends where you live.

I lived five minutes from my cousin's my whole young life but I talk to my closest friends a lot more than my cousins at age 40.

[Anonymous]

BTDT in your shoes and what I realized is - You are putting in the effort of driving. But she is putting in the effort of hosting, which is not insignificant if you’re staying overnight or for the weekend. I assume she is welcoming of you when you come? Some people hate to leave their homes. Also she may have more stresses in her life than you so it’s harder to get away.

[Anonymous]

We tried, but the one sided thing is really hard to sustain. It's sad to me because my family is really close. But I had to accept that no one on the other side feels sad to have no relationship. I'll never understand it, but I had to come to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, spend time making good friends where you live.

I lived five minutes from my cousin's my whole young life but I talk to my closest friends a lot more than my cousins at age 40.

+1, cousin relationships rarely last into adulthood. Friendships do. Chosen communities - church, scouts, whatever - do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave up in a situation like this right before the pandemic. I was the one flying to Alaska (no, I’m not kidding), hosting cousins at my house in DC, trying to arrange Facetimes, etc. My sister and BIL were always just saying they were too busy, work was crazy, they didn’t have time to host us, their kids couldn’t sleep at our house, jetlag, etc. Then it came out that they were traveling basically monthly and all over to Hawaii, Mexico, Louisiana, Florida, etc. They just didn’t want to use their time off or energy to see family.

My DD is relieved because she does not like her cousins. I used to feel guilty but I decided I don’t like my sister either so it all works out.

Stories like this make me wonder what’s going on inside people’s heads. You spent all that time, money, and energy on trying to force a relationship on people who don’t even like each other, to the point that your daughter felt relief when you stopped, and it turns out you didn’t like them or want a relationship with them either. That would be like forcing the family to eat beets every night for dinner, dealing with all that prep and nastiness, knowing no one in your family even likes beets, just because you felt like you should all like beets for some reason.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Do you and your sister like each other? When you go to their house is your sister warm and welcoming or is she more cold and distant? I’m sorry to say it but maybe your sister just doesn’t like you and your kids all that much? Or maybe she has other issues preventing her from coming to visit you (health problems that make it hard to travel and/or stay away from home? She doesn’t like your spouse? Your house isn’t set up well for guests? She has very limited vacation time off work and likes to use it traveling to different destinations each year? Her kids have really busy activity schedules? Etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT in your shoes and what I realized is - You are putting in the effort of driving. But she is putting in the effort of hosting, which is not insignificant if you’re staying overnight or for the weekend. I assume she is welcoming of you when you come? Some people hate to leave their homes. Also she may have more stresses in her life than you so it’s harder to get away.

Considering all the posts here that revolve around the burden of hosting, I am surprised how easily people dismiss the sister’s hosting claiming that OP does all the work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in a similar situation.

My kid and his younger cousins do love each other. We only live about 30-40 minutes away and we only see them 3-4 times a year.

My sister doesn't work and has all the free time in the world, but has untreated mental health issues.

Typically her husband will bring the kids for holiday get-togethers and the family beach week.

At this point, I just try to make sure the cousins get to see each other every few months.

I've pretty much given up on my sister, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away do you live from each other? How old are the kids?

Short answer yes, I would make the effort.

Me, too. This isn't about what your sister does, OP, it is about what you do for your kids. Would I do it for my kids? Yes. I want them exposed to family and I want them to know their cousins. Yes, I would make the effort.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem but for us it involves flying to the West Coast. We always go visit because all of my relatives live there, and it’s a nice vacation spot. My sister and her family have visited me once in 15 years of living here. I get that it’s not that exciting to see DC once you have already done it, but now my kids are always asking why their cousins don’t come visit us. I have mentioned it and invited them, but they choose to go other places on vacation,