Couples who keep separate finances - how do you decide who pays when you go out to eat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband usually pays - he earns more and is also just easy with money - but sometimes I will pick up the check just to do it.

+1

I’m sure this works for you. But I just can’t imagine the dynamic where I say “I’ll get this one” to my spouse. That seems very different than having a joint account where you contribute different amounts etc. I don’t want to think about separate finances every time we spend money. That’s like a casual friend.

I'm the first PP - and it's not something we talk about. Usually he just picks up the check without mentioning it, and sometimes I throw my credit card down. It's really not an issue for us.

We were older when we got married - late 30s - and had different sorts of spending and debts at the time. I had a ton of student debt still (in my late 30s) and he had some credit card debt. It seemed easier and less stressful for us to manage those as we had been, once we married. We do have a joint account but we don't draw bills out of it or pay a CC from it, it's where we keep some savings. We still keep separate credit cards because we both enjoy that bit of privacy and autonomy.

At the time, we earned roughly equal. Since that my husband, thank the gods, has gone on to double his salary while I have not. So he just pays for more stuff - and is also the one who takes care of our household bills. We don't think of it as "now I pay, now you pay, you owe me $$."

I don't know if that makes sense. Frankly, I'm just grateful he's ok with this situation because I am definitely the one who benefits more from it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH pays 99% of the time we go out unless its his bday or a special gift. He makes 2x what I make and has no debt so it just makes sense.

FWIW we have separate finances bc I have student loan and credit card debt. We will combine once those are paid off in a few years.

That sounds crazy. You are married right?

Yes, we are married. Not sure why that sounds crazy...

He paid off his student loans before I did and was able to qualify for our mortgage on his own. Not combining finances until I am debt free gives us a lot of financial freedom. Him paying most of our bills allows me to focus on paying off my debt sooner.

I was fortunate enough to graduate without debt but my wife came into the marriage with $200k in student loans. Know what we did? Combined our finances, rented a cheaper place than we might've otherwised, and threw all our extra money at the loans until they were gone. Just like there's no his money or her money in our marriage, there's no his debt or her debt. The whole concept is wild.

That's great that worked for you! You know what other concept is wild? That other people can do things a different way and also be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its weird, but I get that many people simply don't trust that marriage will last forever and they need a plan just in case.

Yeah exit strategy

How? Isn't all income during marriage considered to be owned by both parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this is weird and only happens when one spouse makes a lot more and wants to control or doesn’t trust the other person with their money. I can’t really imagine doing this. Make a budget and get on the same page with your spouse. Don’t be a clueless wife, spend money on your credit card, and expect your spouse to pay it off. That’s how women get screwed. Husband leaves and shuts off credit cards and they have no idea how to even log into their bank account.

Ha, you can't generalize everyone who has separate finances is lacking trust or exerting control. I am not controlled by my husband or his money, nor do we have a marriage that is shaky. I can buy anything I want and WE decide how our money is spent. I'm not clueless and and we have plenty of money that we are not on a budget. HHI and 8 figure net worth. We aren't counting pennies or debating who picks up the check. You do you, don't worry about the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We co-own our house but otherwise everything is separate. If we are out together as a couple or a family DH always pays for everything. Maybe patriarchy in action.

He pays the mortgage and childcare but I pay all the bills, property tax, auto insurance etc. I guess our finances are separate in name only, we are totally commingled and not really counting beans. We could get a new account and both contribute to it every month etc but what would that really get us?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe total transparency for one thing?

Not every household needs to account for every penny. That seems controlling to me to have to enter every purchase/expense. If you have money, it's ok to spend a little of it.

[Anonymous]

Weird sh*t!

I wish I had know women paying for things was a thing when I was single and dating. I paid for ALL the dinners, except when it happened to be on my birthday. Granted I was from another country and that was an expectation there.

After marriage, DW and I both retitled our accounts to joint accounts in the same bank. All expenses are paid from DW's account. If there's a shortfall, I move money from mine to hers. Mine is used to fund 529 and investment accounts (some joint, some not). I did come into the marriage with a small bank balance and funded the 10% downpayment on our house.

I see separate accounts as pointless given that things will get split 50/50 in the event of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird sh*t!

I wish I had know women paying for things was a thing when I was single and dating. I paid for ALL the dinners, except when it happened to be on my birthday. Granted I was from another country and that was an expectation there.

After marriage, DW and I both retitled our accounts to joint accounts in the same bank. All expenses are paid from DW's account. If there's a shortfall, I move money from mine to hers. Mine is used to fund 529 and investment accounts (some joint, some not). I did come into the marriage with a small bank balance and funded the 10% downpayment on our house.

I see separate accounts as pointless given that things will get split 50/50 in the event of a divorce.

In our case it's not about protecting assets in case of divorce. It's just that this way worked for us when we were dating, and it's continued to work this way for us through 11 years of marriage. We both enjoy having some privacy and autonomy. I don't want total transparency. And there are minor but annoying ways we disagree on spending that would make our relationship worse if we had to haggle over each one of them. We put enough into the joint pot, and then we have enough separation that neither of us feels smothered.

We don't have kids - and do have a very high amount of trust - so maybe the stakes are just lower, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird sh*t!

I wish I had know women paying for things was a thing when I was single and dating. I paid for ALL the dinners, except when it happened to be on my birthday. Granted I was from another country and that was an expectation there.

After marriage, DW and I both retitled our accounts to joint accounts in the same bank. All expenses are paid from DW's account. If there's a shortfall, I move money from mine to hers. Mine is used to fund 529 and investment accounts (some joint, some not). I did come into the marriage with a small bank balance and funded the 10% downpayment on our house.

I see separate accounts as pointless given that things will get split 50/50 in the event of a divorce.

In our case it's not about protecting assets in case of divorce. It's just that this way worked for us when we were dating, and it's continued to work this way for us through 11 years of marriage. We both enjoy having some privacy and autonomy. I don't want total transparency. And there are minor but annoying ways we disagree on spending that would make our relationship worse if we had to haggle over each one of them. We put enough into the joint pot, and then we have enough separation that neither of us feels smothered.

We don't have kids - and do have a very high amount of trust - so maybe the stakes are just lower, too.

+1 we are separate and it's not to protect assets. I laugh at all the PP who wrangle with their partner on why they spent $x at CVS and why there are 2 trips to Whole Foods in one week when they go over their credit card spend every month. Separate is not bad, joint is not bad. No everyone is all the same in this world, deal with it.

[Anonymous]

We have separate finances and split up who pays for what by category. I provided a large down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage. (Mortgage free for sometime now.)

Where it really has mattered is in investments as neither of us is a spendthrift. Doing investments jointly would have been a nightmare. He is an immigrant who believes in real estate and bank accounts and doesn't trust the stock market. I believe in equities and don't want to be bothered with real estate. Although we have made roughly the same amount over the years, my investments are worth double his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird sh*t!

I wish I had know women paying for things was a thing when I was single and dating. I paid for ALL the dinners, except when it happened to be on my birthday. Granted I was from another country and that was an expectation there.

After marriage, DW and I both retitled our accounts to joint accounts in the same bank. All expenses are paid from DW's account. If there's a shortfall, I move money from mine to hers. Mine is used to fund 529 and investment accounts (some joint, some not). I did come into the marriage with a small bank balance and funded the 10% downpayment on our house.

I see separate accounts as pointless given that things will get split 50/50 in the event of a divorce.

In our case it's not about protecting assets in case of divorce. It's just that this way worked for us when we were dating, and it's continued to work this way for us through 11 years of marriage. We both enjoy having some privacy and autonomy. I don't want total transparency. And there are minor but annoying ways we disagree on spending that would make our relationship worse if we had to haggle over each one of them. We put enough into the joint pot, and then we have enough separation that neither of us feels smothered.

We don't have kids - and do have a very high amount of trust - so maybe the stakes are just lower, too.

+1 we are separate and it's not to protect assets. I laugh at all the PP who wrangle with their partner on why they spent $x at CVS and why there are 2 trips to Whole Foods in one week when they go over their credit card spend every month. Separate is not bad, joint is not bad. No everyone is all the same in this world, deal with it.

Good for you making up things to laugh at.

[Anonymous]

We budget for it in our joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH pays 99% of the time we go out unless its his bday or a special gift. He makes 2x what I make and has no debt so it just makes sense.

FWIW we have separate finances bc I have student loan and credit card debt. We will combine once those are paid off in a few years.

That sounds crazy. You are married right?

Yes, we are married. Not sure why that sounds crazy...

He paid off his student loans before I did and was able to qualify for our mortgage on his own. Not combining finances until I am debt free gives us a lot of financial freedom. Him paying most of our bills allows me to focus on paying off my debt sooner.

I was fortunate enough to graduate without debt but my wife came into the marriage with $200k in student loans. Know what we did? Combined our finances, rented a cheaper place than we might've otherwised, and threw all our extra money at the loans until they were gone. Just like there's no his money or her money in our marriage, there's no his debt or her debt. The whole concept is wild.

That's great that worked for you! You know what other concept is wild? That other people can do things a different way and also be happy!

+1!!! I'm the PP who has the separate finances bc of student loans. I really didn't think it was that wild of a concept to keep our debt separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband usually pays - he earns more and is also just easy with money - but sometimes I will pick up the check just to do it.

+1

I’m sure this works for you. But I just can’t imagine the dynamic where I say “I’ll get this one” to my spouse. That seems very different than having a joint account where you contribute different amounts etc. I don’t want to think about separate finances every time we spend money. That’s like a casual friend.

I'm the first PP - and it's not something we talk about. Usually he just picks up the check without mentioning it, and sometimes I throw my credit card down. It's really not an issue for us.

We were older when we got married - late 30s - and had different sorts of spending and debts at the time. I had a ton of student debt still (in my late 30s) and he had some credit card debt. It seemed easier and less stressful for us to manage those as we had been, once we married. We do have a joint account but we don't draw bills out of it or pay a CC from it, it's where we keep some savings. We still keep separate credit cards because we both enjoy that bit of privacy and autonomy.

At the time, we earned roughly equal. Since that my husband, thank the gods, has gone on to double his salary while I have not. So he just pays for more stuff - and is also the one who takes care of our household bills. We don't think of it as "now I pay, now you pay, you owe me $$."

I don't know if that makes sense. Frankly, I'm just grateful he's ok with this situation because I am definitely the one who benefits more from it!

You shouldn't have to say that right? I'd hate it if my spouse uses that word to describe our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband usually pays - he earns more and is also just easy with money - but sometimes I will pick up the check just to do it.

+1

I’m sure this works for you. But I just can’t imagine the dynamic where I say “I’ll get this one” to my spouse. That seems very different than having a joint account where you contribute different amounts etc. I don’t want to think about separate finances every time we spend money. That’s like a casual friend.

I'm the first PP - and it's not something we talk about. Usually he just picks up the check without mentioning it, and sometimes I throw my credit card down. It's really not an issue for us.

We were older when we got married - late 30s - and had different sorts of spending and debts at the time. I had a ton of student debt still (in my late 30s) and he had some credit card debt. It seemed easier and less stressful for us to manage those as we had been, once we married. We do have a joint account but we don't draw bills out of it or pay a CC from it, it's where we keep some savings. We still keep separate credit cards because we both enjoy that bit of privacy and autonomy.

At the time, we earned roughly equal. Since that my husband, thank the gods, has gone on to double his salary while I have not. So he just pays for more stuff - and is also the one who takes care of our household bills. We don't think of it as "now I pay, now you pay, you owe me $$."

I don't know if that makes sense. Frankly, I'm just grateful he's ok with this situation because I am definitely the one who benefits more from it!

You shouldn't have to say that right? I'd hate it if my spouse uses that word to describe our marriage.

I don't *have* to say it but it's reality and I don't see any reason to ignore it. One of the many, many things I love and appreciate about my husband is that thanks to him I live a more comfortable life than I otherwise would. We don't have any weird sort of tit for tat about it - and he never says a word about it - but I don't see how I can pretend that isn't the case.

[Anonymous]

We reimburse each other for things like going out with the kids or takeout with the kids. We take turns for date nights. And of course he treats for Mother’s Day, and I take him out for his birthday, etc. Works for us.