Couples who keep separate finances - how do you decide who pays when you go out to eat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We co-own our house but otherwise everything is separate. If we are out together as a couple or a family DH always pays for everything. Maybe patriarchy in action.

He pays the mortgage and childcare but I pay all the bills, property tax, auto insurance etc. I guess our finances are separate in name only, we are totally commingled and not really counting beans. We could get a new account and both contribute to it every month etc but what would that really get us?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe total transparency for one thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We co-own our house but otherwise everything is separate. If we are out together as a couple or a family DH always pays for everything. Maybe patriarchy in action.

He pays the mortgage and childcare but I pay all the bills, property tax, auto insurance etc. I guess our finances are separate in name only, we are totally commingled and not really counting beans. We could get a new account and both contribute to it every month etc but what would that really get us?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe total transparency for one thing?

Seriously. My wife and I not only have commingled everything but we use a budgeting app where we enter in all our expenses. So each of us can pull out our phone and see every penny we've spent over the past four years. I think we're so far in one extreme it's hard to understand the other extreme of separate finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money so I eat. Spouse makes less money so they fast.

That is so cruel. We are in the same situation but I get something from kids' meal for my spouse. Grow up.

But only if they've had good behavior, right? You don't want to reward poor behavior and lack of work ethic.

Doggie bag is for the spouse. They eat in the car on the way home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We co-own our house but otherwise everything is separate. If we are out together as a couple or a family DH always pays for everything. Maybe patriarchy in action.

He pays the mortgage and childcare but I pay all the bills, property tax, auto insurance etc. I guess our finances are separate in name only, we are totally commingled and not really counting beans. We could get a new account and both contribute to it every month etc but what would that really get us?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe total transparency for one thing?

Seriously. My wife and I not only have commingled everything but we use a budgeting app where we enter in all our expenses. So each of us can pull out our phone and see every penny we've spent over the past four years. I think we're so far in one extreme it's hard to understand the other extreme of separate finances.

Yea, we do the exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

I benefit from patriarchy in my marriage. Every single cent I earned when I was working remained in my name. Every asset my DH earned is joint. However, isn't everything is joint property in a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We contribute pro rata by income to a joint account and charge it to a joint credit card. I suppose this is a "hybrid" arrangement rather than purely separate finances so not sure if I fall within the scope of your question.

We have something similar. Both separate and joint accounts. Usually if we go for dinner we use the joint card, but sometimes DH will say he wants to take me somewhere and insists on putting it on his discretionary spending card/account. It works well for us and we both make good money.

[Anonymous]

I dont get living like this do you couples split the cost of a tube of toothpaste too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH pays 99% of the time we go out unless its his bday or a special gift. He makes 2x what I make and has no debt so it just makes sense.

FWIW we have separate finances bc I have student loan and credit card debt. We will combine once those are paid off in a few years.

That sounds crazy. You are married right?

Yes, we are married. Not sure why that sounds crazy...

He paid off his student loans before I did and was able to qualify for our mortgage on his own. Not combining finances until I am debt free gives us a lot of financial freedom. Him paying most of our bills allows me to focus on paying off my debt sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think usually we use the joint credit card but one person might pick it up if it’s their treat for some reason. It doesn’t matter, it’s all our money. The “separate” finances are mostly laziness and it just works for us.

Same. We spent a weekend away and went out to eat for almost every meal, I don't remember the yours/mine/ours breakdown because it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH pays 99% of the time we go out unless its his bday or a special gift. He makes 2x what I make and has no debt so it just makes sense.

FWIW we have separate finances bc I have student loan and credit card debt. We will combine once those are paid off in a few years.

That sounds crazy. You are married right?

Yes, we are married. Not sure why that sounds crazy...

He paid off his student loans before I did and was able to qualify for our mortgage on his own. Not combining finances until I am debt free gives us a lot of financial freedom. Him paying most of our bills allows me to focus on paying off my debt sooner.

I was fortunate enough to graduate without debt but my wife came into the marriage with $200k in student loans. Know what we did? Combined our finances, rented a cheaper place than we might've otherwised, and threw all our extra money at the loans until they were gone. Just like there's no his money or her money in our marriage, there's no his debt or her debt. The whole concept is wild.

[Anonymous]

When we first got married, we kept separate finances because immediately after we got married my husband's ex demanded more in child support and alimony based off our increased HHI. (Judge said no and recalculated it to be less based off current situation and past order, but different issue). We'd rotate or who over had the money but we didn't have much after paying the attorneys so we weren't exactly eating out much. When child support was over, we had kids and I became SAH. Everything into the joint so who ever grabs the card first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its weird, but I get that many people simply don't trust that marriage will last forever and they need a plan just in case.

How you keep finances doesn’t actually affect division of assets when divorcing, unless the couple decides to do that.

To answer the question, I pay for groceries, he usually pays for eating out, unless it’s something like Father’s Day or his birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its weird, but I get that many people simply don't trust that marriage will last forever and they need a plan just in case.

How you keep finances doesn’t actually affect division of assets when divorcing, unless the couple decides to do that.

I mean, excluding situations like maintaining an inheritance or premarital asset separately. I just mean that a couple doesn’t magically turn a marital asset into an asset that is owned by only one of them simply by depositing it into a different bank account.

[Anonymous]

When couples decide to share their lives, they are simultaneously faced with the decision of how (or whether) to pool their finances. Does the way in which couples keep their money affect happiness in their relationship? Drawing on Interdependence Theory, we demonstrate across six studies (N = 38,534)—including both primary and secondary data—that couples who pool all of their money (compared to couples who keep all or some of their money separate) experience greater relationship satisfaction and are less likely to break up. Though joining bank accounts can benefit all couples, the effect is particularly strong among couples with scarce financial resources (i.e., those with low household income or who report feeling financially distressed). These findings replicate using experimental, cross-sectional, and longitudinal data sets, as well as in both individualistic and collectivist cultures. (PsycInfo Database Record (c) 2022 APA, all rights reserved)

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2022-42962-001

[Anonymous]

I feel this is weird and only happens when one spouse makes a lot more and wants to control or doesn’t trust the other person with their money. I can’t really imagine doing this. Make a budget and get on the same page with your spouse. Don’t be a clueless wife, spend money on your credit card, and expect your spouse to pay it off. That’s how women get screwed. Husband leaves and shuts off credit cards and they have no idea how to even log into their bank account.