Couples who keep separate finances - how do you decide who pays when you go out to eat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have separate finances and split up who pays for what by category. I provided a large down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage. (Mortgage free for sometime now.)

Where it really has mattered is in investments as neither of us is a spendthrift. Doing investments jointly would have been a nightmare. He is an immigrant who believes in real estate and bank accounts and doesn't trust the stock market. I believe in equities and don't want to be bothered with real estate. Although we have made roughly the same amount over the years, my investments are worth double his.

And therein lies the problem: they're not "yours" and "his." They're shared assets.

PP here. Yes they are shared. it's just that the performance of those I managed have outperformed that of the ones he manages. We both have the same goal of leaving as much as we can for our kids and are transparent with each other on our investments. I view our investments as complementary, but doing it separately has avoided arguments over what to invest in. The only security investments he would have been comfortable with are U.S. Treasuries. My 401k would have gone nowhere with that strategy.

I gave up my marital rights in his rental properties so he could put them in trust for our kids (so that is not really a shared asset). He helps fund an LFIT I set up that has the kids as beneficiaries in the event of my death (actuarially, he is far more likely to die first). He is my beneficiary for my 401k and variable annuity. We will both elect spousal rights on our pensions. I fund long-term health care insurance for both of us. We have double family health insurance through our two employers, which was a joint decision.

[Anonymous]

Fast food/fast casual - whoever suggests eating out pays for everything

Regular sit-down dining - split 50-50

Fine dining - Wife pays because she earns more and I couldn't care less about fine dining and only go because she likes it. Unless it's a special occasion like her birthday, anniversary, etc. then I pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We reimburse each other for things like going out with the kids or takeout with the kids. We take turns for date nights. And of course he treats for Mother’s Day, and I take him out for his birthday, etc. Works for us.

You reimburse each other? OMG, this is getting really bad.

Why is that bad? I'm not PP but I also keep separate finances and we reimburse all the time. I do all the cooking, which means I like to do all the shopping (I'm particular about produce quality, certain brands, etc. and it's way easier to do it myself) so I'd be paying for all the groceries if we didn't reimburse.

[Anonymous]

We ask for separate checks for the food and the drinks. I pay for the food, she pays for the drinks.

I admit, it has probably encouraged me to drink a bit more, since the alcohol is essentially free. And she has chubbed up somewhat, no doubt because the food is subsidized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband usually pays - he earns more and is also just easy with money - but sometimes I will pick up the check just to do it.

+1

I’m sure this works for you. But I just can’t imagine the dynamic where I say “I’ll get this one” to my spouse. That seems very different than having a joint account where you contribute different amounts etc. I don’t want to think about separate finances every time we spend money. That’s like a casual friend.

I'm the first PP - and it's not something we talk about. Usually he just picks up the check without mentioning it, and sometimes I throw my credit card down. It's really not an issue for us.

We were older when we got married - late 30s - and had different sorts of spending and debts at the time. I had a ton of student debt still (in my late 30s) and he had some credit card debt. It seemed easier and less stressful for us to manage those as we had been, once we married. We do have a joint account but we don't draw bills out of it or pay a CC from it, it's where we keep some savings. We still keep separate credit cards because we both enjoy that bit of privacy and autonomy.

At the time, we earned roughly equal. Since that my husband, thank the gods, has gone on to double his salary while I have not. So he just pays for more stuff - and is also the one who takes care of our household bills. We don't think of it as "now I pay, now you pay, you owe me $$."

I don't know if that makes sense. Frankly, I'm just grateful he's ok with this situation because I am definitely the one who benefits more from it!

This is a mistake.

Why? It's working for us.

So far as you know, that is. Which, of course, you actually don't.

I do because I can call up his credit card bill on my computer any time I want. We have access to each other's accounts if we want them.

Also we have high levels of trust. Maybe you don't have that in your marriage.

+1. Not sure what the problem is? Humans need a bit of privacy, including in a marriage. I’m not my husband’s overlord or mommy, combing through his expenditures looking for mistakes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get living like this do you couples split the cost of a tube of toothpaste too?

We don't share toothpaste. We have separate closets, sinks, etc. Have you never lived as an individual. We are 2 individuals living together. I'm not half of a whole. We are two whole people.

This is weird, cheap and petty. It's very, very strange and not the norm at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We ask for separate checks for the food and the drinks. I pay for the food, she pays for the drinks.

I admit, it has probably encouraged me to drink a bit more, since the alcohol is essentially free. And she has chubbed up somewhat, no doubt because the food is subsidized.

This is so cheap and petty to me. This whole thread is disturbing and makes me so happy and thankful I don't have to squabble over who's turn it is to the buy the toothpaste or meal. Wow, just astounding to me. You would take issue paying for your wife's meal AND drinks? SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's real easy for a newly married couple to merge finances. All you need to do is open a joint bank account, have your employer change your direct deposit to that account, then get a joint credit card and start using it exclusively. Done. Easy. Total transparency. What's the problem? What are you so afraid of giving up?

Depends on pre-existing assets, kids, and inheritances too. Not everyone is a 22 year old newlywed.

[Anonymous]

Here's how it works, when you have comingled assets and are not living paycheck to paycheck:

You have shared credit cards. Shared savings. Shared investments. You pay for stuff when you need to. If you're going to buy something discretionary, and you know it's expensive (and you know, don't act like you don't), you go to your spouse and say, "Hey, I think I'm going to buy [x], do you have any issue with that?"

"How much is it?"

"$[y]"

"That seems reasonable"

or..

"Are you sure we need that right now? We were planning to repair the deck this summer"

or..

"Why don't you spend the extra money to get the better version, so we're not buying it again in two years"

Outside of that, we also discuss investment strategy. "How much do you think we should put into the funds this month?" "Do you think we should put more into the emergency fund?"

Neither of us look at every line item on the bank statements. Could we? Sure. But there's not someone snooping over every purchase. It's there, no one is hiding anything, and no one is untrusting of the other. Around gift-giving time we will say, "Hey, don't look at the XYZ statement" because a line item may give a clue about a gift purchased for the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We reimburse each other for things like going out with the kids or takeout with the kids. We take turns for date nights. And of course he treats for Mother’s Day, and I take him out for his birthday, etc. Works for us.

You reimburse each other? OMG, this is getting really bad.

He treats you for mothers day? Wow that prince you carried all this children for 9 months each and he "treats" you for mothers day. That's some lowered expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get living like this do you couples split the cost of a tube of toothpaste too?

We don't share toothpaste. We have separate closets, sinks, etc. Have you never lived as an individual. We are 2 individuals living together. I'm not half of a whole. We are two whole people.

Didn't you learn how to share in kindergarten?

[Anonymous]

We don’t have joint accounts but our assets are still “commingled”. We don’t do any of this weird scorekeeping though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Anonymous]

Whenever this topic comes up, it reminds me how weird other peoples’ relationships are. The whole separate finances thing has such a weird, off feeling to me. It’s how Dh and I treated our finances when we had just started dating (which obviously makes sense). But as a married couple??…. Not only does it feel wrong but it sounds so annoyingly difficult to maintain, with all the rules and fairness and separate budgets and proportional contributions yada yada…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's real easy for a newly married couple to merge finances. All you need to do is open a joint bank account, have your employer change your direct deposit to that account, then get a joint credit card and start using it exclusively. Done. Easy. Total transparency. What's the problem? What are you so afraid of giving up?

Depends on pre-existing assets, kids, and inheritances too. Not everyone is a 22 year old newlywed.

Seriously. We got married in our late 20s/early 30s and had lives before marriage. And multiple financial accounts and assets and stuff. We do what works for us, and others are welcome to do what works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get living like this do you couples split the cost of a tube of toothpaste too?

We don't share toothpaste. We have separate closets, sinks, etc. Have you never lived as an individual. We are 2 individuals living together. I'm not half of a whole. We are two whole people.

Didn't you learn how to share in kindergarten?

I don't know, my husband touches my treat-myself moisturizer, I might have to cut a b**tch.