Talk to me about having a second kid

[Anonymous]

I love my second child. We were on the fence and had him when his sister was 4. He is the joy of our family. But the one thing I didn’t realize is that there are no breaks with two little kids. One kid always needs me. Two needy little kids are hard for even a trained nanny or my husband to handle, and same goes for me.The parts of me I started to reclaim after the eldest toilet trained, weaned, and began STTN (exercise class, dinners with the girls, book club, solo travel) around age 2.5/3 are gone. The logistics of two (clothes, schedules, different kids of picky eating, trading illnesses, different needs) on top of running a household, a demanding full time job, the pandemic, aging parents, and day to day responsibilities for me is overwhelming. I have a very engaged husband but it’s just too much. It’s been a liability for my career, my marriage, my body, and my health. You have to be so much more selfless and patient to be a mom to two instead of one. The demands are greater and you have less reserves and are older. It’s just very hard. In ways I didn’t expect not being a FTM. I thought I would get myself back after number 2, but I’m not even close. I feel like a stereotypical exhausted mom
Who let herself go and it’s aged me terribly. I love my kids and I can’t imagine life without them but my god, it’s insane to try to be a good parent, wife, daughter, homeowner, employee, friend, etc. I feel like I’m constantly juggling plates smashing down upon me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it, but I will.

It's also okay to decide you are really happy with just one child.

Your life now sounds pretty great. You are both in fulfilling careers. You have a child you love and are entering a good chapter with sleep and independence. Now you can go build on that with your one child - lean into the career you like, savor time with your one beloved child, plan for future family adventures like travel.

I too thought I'd have a second until I had my first at the beginning of the pandemic. For a long time, I felt like I'd failed that I didn't have it in me to have a second after a really. hard first year of parenting. Like it was in some way letting the pandemic defeat my future goals and plans. But when I really looked at my life, I said I want to make decisions that will make me happier, not more burnt out. Sometimes catastrophic events (pandemic, rough pregnancy, NICU, etc.) change things. It's okay to adapt to what life has dealt to you.

If in this moment, you are not ready for a second child, then pivot to a very happy life with one.

Totally agree. 35, no local family, husband gets home at 10, had a traumatic prior experience, have a healthy child already - I would happily stick with one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my second child. We were on the fence and had him when his sister was 4. He is the joy of our family. But the one thing I didn’t realize is that there are no breaks with two little kids. One kid always needs me. Two needy little kids are hard for even a trained nanny or my husband to handle, and same goes for me.The parts of me I started to reclaim after the eldest toilet trained, weaned, and began STTN (exercise class, dinners with the girls, book club, solo travel) around age 2.5/3 are gone. The logistics of two (clothes, schedules, different kids of picky eating, trading illnesses, different needs) on top of running a household, a demanding full time job, the pandemic, aging parents, and day to day responsibilities for me is overwhelming. I have a very engaged husband but it’s just too much. It’s been a liability for my career, my marriage, my body, and my health. You have to be so much more selfless and patient to be a mom to two instead of one. The demands are greater and you have less reserves and are older. It’s just very hard. In ways I didn’t expect not being a FTM. I thought I would get myself back after number 2, but I’m not even close. I feel like a stereotypical exhausted mom
Who let herself go and it’s aged me terribly. I love my kids and I can’t imagine life without them but my god, it’s insane to try to be a good parent, wife, daughter, homeowner, employee, friend, etc. I feel like I’m constantly juggling plates smashing down upon me.

This in bold x1000 - there are very few things you can't do if you have one kid.

[Anonymous]

Two is wayyyyyy more exhausting than 1. Mine are 22 months and 5 (3.5 year age difference) and both Mommies girls. My husband and I split parenting and household duties 50/50 since we both work and I still find it exhausting so I can’t imagine if I had to take one more if my husband had a more demanding job.

If you want 2 kids, definitely have the second one or you’ll regret it. It’s of course all worth it and we can’t imagine life without our littlest girl, she’s a complete joy. But we are for sure done at 2.

I think the first year with your first baby is a bigger adjustment, but after that, having one toddler or one preschooler or one elementary kid is so much easier than a toddler and a baby or a preschooler and a toddler etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I were having this conversation many years ago (kids are 7 and 10 now) we wound up in a conversation with a friend who is an only child who was at that time dealing with parents who were aging and one wound up dying shortly thereafter. She had to deal with it all by herself and shared how hard it was being the only child not just to carry on those memories but also to deal with the logistics of the whole situation.

My point being, the baby/toddler years are short in comparison to their whole lives. My two boys are very close (made closer by spending so much time together the past 2 years) and I'm so grateful that they have each other.

This ^^

I would say this same sentiment was probably one of our biggest motivators for having a second. They will always have each other even after we’re gone.

[Anonymous]

The first two years of the second child's life are tough, so just plan those out carefully with a nanny or whatever support system you can muster. Once you have a plan, it's easier. Once the kid turns 2, and even moreso once they turn 3, it's mentally and physically about as hard as one (in my experience). There is more logistics/shuttling to activities, but other than that it evens out because they do occasionally play together. We were on the fence and love having two now. They are 4 years apart, girl then boy. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first two years of the second child's life are tough, so just plan those out carefully with a nanny or whatever support system you can muster. Once you have a plan, it's easier. Once the kid turns 2, and even moreso once they turn 3, it's mentally and physically about as hard as one (in my experience). There is more logistics/shuttling to activities, but other than that it evens out because they do occasionally play together. We were on the fence and love having two now. They are 4 years apart, girl then boy. Good luck, OP!

But you never know what it would have been like to have had one 7 year old, right? Our friends with one elementary kid have it MUCH easier than we do, and probably ever will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first two years of the second child's life are tough, so just plan those out carefully with a nanny or whatever support system you can muster. Once you have a plan, it's easier. Once the kid turns 2, and even moreso once they turn 3, it's mentally and physically about as hard as one (in my experience). There is more logistics/shuttling to activities, but other than that it evens out because they do occasionally play together. We were on the fence and love having two now. They are 4 years apart, girl then boy. Good luck, OP!

You can’t discount this though, when the husband will continue to work long hours. Yes in some ways, kids get easier as they get older, but in terms of the after school/after work rush, it gets much much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first two years of the second child's life are tough, so just plan those out carefully with a nanny or whatever support system you can muster. Once you have a plan, it's easier. Once the kid turns 2, and even moreso once they turn 3, it's mentally and physically about as hard as one (in my experience). There is more logistics/shuttling to activities, but other than that it evens out because they do occasionally play together. We were on the fence and love having two now. They are 4 years apart, girl then boy. Good luck, OP!

You can’t discount this though, when the husband will continue to work long hours. Yes in some ways, kids get easier as they get older, but in terms of the after school/after work rush, it gets much much harder.

I’m specifically referring to the bolded.

[Anonymous]

I have an only child. It gets exponentially easier as the child gets older. She’s an extrovert that loves school and her friends, but also loves her peaceful, calm home. Especially in the pandemic it was so obvious how much simpler and easier parenting one child is. OP should have a second child because she really wants one and is willing to take her parenting up to a much harder level. Not because they’ll be friends, need a playmate, or will help with elder care decades into the future. There are as many anecdotes of those situations not working out as of them working out as everyone hopes.

OP, life with one child is really great. It’s really great with two also, but it IS much harder. Don’t overextend yourself, but also don’t make a decision you’ll regret. If you really want another, then you should have another. We all deserve the family size we want.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids

The transition from 0 to 1 crushed my soul. It was that hard. Like it shook me to the core.

We waited three years to get pregnant again and the transition from 1-2 was SO much easier for me (although if you ask my husband he will say 1-2 was crushing for him).

Two to three has been a breeze.

You never know what your situation will be. But my first two are best friends and they love the baby so much it makes my heart ache. I cannot imagine not seeing my babies all interact and love each other. Yes it’s harder. Of course it’s harder. But it’s also better in so many ways.

Whatever you do will be the right choice for you . Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my second child. We were on the fence and had him when his sister was 4. He is the joy of our family. But the one thing I didn’t realize is that there are no breaks with two little kids. One kid always needs me. Two needy little kids are hard for even a trained nanny or my husband to handle, and same goes for me.The parts of me I started to reclaim after the eldest toilet trained, weaned, and began STTN (exercise class, dinners with the girls, book club, solo travel) around age 2.5/3 are gone. The logistics of two (clothes, schedules, different kids of picky eating, trading illnesses, different needs) on top of running a household, a demanding full time job, the pandemic, aging parents, and day to day responsibilities for me is overwhelming. I have a very engaged husband but it’s just too much. It’s been a liability for my career, my marriage, my body, and my health. You have to be so much more selfless and patient to be a mom to two instead of one. The demands are greater and you have less reserves and are older. It’s just very hard. In ways I didn’t expect not being a FTM. I thought I would get myself back after number 2, but I’m not even close. I feel like a stereotypical exhausted mom
Who let herself go and it’s aged me terribly. I love my kids and I can’t imagine life without them but my god, it’s insane to try to be a good parent, wife, daughter, homeowner, employee, friend, etc. I feel like I’m constantly juggling plates smashing down upon me.

I’m a different poster and just had a baby who is now 5 months and a 4 year old. I have lost myself. I went to try on pants because nothing fit and I was still wearing maternity pants and I looked in the mirror, and did not recognize myself, just a shadow of who I was.

I will also say this, my second is a happy baby who is easy but he was born with only one kidney so there is anxiety and appointments and worries and having to live with this for the rest of his life and my life. A healthy child is not guaranteed, ever. And with all the help in the world, it will not be easy.

[Anonymous]

We have 2. Younger is 1.5, older is 4. None of my clothes fit still and there are days I feel bonkers. It's 100% worth it and 100% tiring!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my second child. We were on the fence and had him when his sister was 4. He is the joy of our family. But the one thing I didn’t realize is that there are no breaks with two little kids. One kid always needs me. Two needy little kids are hard for even a trained nanny or my husband to handle, and same goes for me.The parts of me I started to reclaim after the eldest toilet trained, weaned, and began STTN (exercise class, dinners with the girls, book club, solo travel) around age 2.5/3 are gone. The logistics of two (clothes, schedules, different kids of picky eating, trading illnesses, different needs) on top of running a household, a demanding full time job, the pandemic, aging parents, and day to day responsibilities for me is overwhelming. I have a very engaged husband but it’s just too much. It’s been a liability for my career, my marriage, my body, and my health. You have to be so much more selfless and patient to be a mom to two instead of one. The demands are greater and you have less reserves and are older. It’s just very hard. In ways I didn’t expect not being a FTM. I thought I would get myself back after number 2, but I’m not even close. I feel like a stereotypical exhausted mom
Who let herself go and it’s aged me terribly. I love my kids and I can’t imagine life without them but my god, it’s insane to try to be a good parent, wife, daughter, homeowner, employee, friend, etc. I feel like I’m constantly juggling plates smashing down upon me.

+1000

My DC2 is a joy and I wouldn't change it now. But, even with both my kids being early elementary (past potty training/in school all day), I still feel extremely exhausted. After FT work, day-to-day kids stuff, and elderly parents, even with a fully engaged DH, I feel like I have no time for myself, my house is a wreck, and my health is pretty poor.

[Anonymous]

I have one 7 year old and haven’t felt exhausted in years. Plenty of time to spend with my daughter, spouse, and my own hobbies. Of course it’s worth it when the child is already here, but I really wish more women would consider stopping with one if they’re on the fence and mostly going forward because two kids is the social norm.