Talk to me about having a second kid

[Anonymous]

Agree nanny and night nanny, drop daycare.

I also think that having a bit more space between the two kids would really help.

Ours were really close together (19 months) and I really couldn't take care of both of them together until the baby was about 4 months old. Basically - you go from the sleepy newborn phase where nursing takes all your attention because baby is still figuring it out, to having rock the baby to sleep in a dark room - not compatible with having a toddler around! At 4 months, we sleep trained, and then were able to care for both at once, and then things got manageable. I'm sure there are other people who have figure out how to square that circle of a newborn plus a toddler, but I never did, and it honestly seems impossible to me. It meant that we played the kids man to man for the first four months and thus got NO breaks. That was really really hard. I think with your husband working such long hours, I would wait until your older kid can play independently in his room for 30 minute chunks 2 or 3 times a day, with you in a different room. That would make all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree nanny and night nanny, drop daycare.

I also think that having a bit more space between the two kids would really help.

Ours were really close together (19 months) and I really couldn't take care of both of them together until the baby was about 4 months old. Basically - you go from the sleepy newborn phase where nursing takes all your attention because baby is still figuring it out, to having rock the baby to sleep in a dark room - not compatible with having a toddler around! At 4 months, we sleep trained, and then were able to care for both at once, and then things got manageable. I'm sure there are other people who have figure out how to square that circle of a newborn plus a toddler, but I never did, and it honestly seems impossible to me. It meant that we played the kids man to man for the first four months and thus got NO breaks. That was really really hard. I think with your husband working such long hours, I would wait until your older kid can play independently in his room for 30 minute chunks 2 or 3 times a day, with you in a different room. That would make all the difference.

Oh, and I forgot - watch out for postpartum depression! I didn't have any postpartum mental health issues at all with my first, not even the baby blues. Then I got hit with TERRIBLE PPD after my second that I was wildly unprepared for.

[Anonymous]

No more daycare. Get a nanny. If you want, put your son in part-time preschool (like 2 or 3 mornings a week) -- you or DH can drop him off on the way to work, and nanny can do the pick up.

[Anonymous]

+1 To waiting more time between kids. 3-4 years apart in age really makes a difference.

FWIW, I became a better (happier, more confident) mom going from 1 to 2 (with a 4 year gap). Going from 2 to 3 (2 year gap) turned me into a high-strung poodle.

[Anonymous]

You sound a bit traumatized from one hell of a labor/delivery and pandemic experience. Just showing up to say you seem to be doing all the right things now with the resources you have, have done a lot of great things for self care and if you want a second kid don't let the past scare you out of having one. The first year is always a bit tough but you are blessed with what sounds like a ton of resources so you can basically throw money at any logistical concerns (night nurse etc, housecleaner, nanny etc) to help support you through any difficult times with a newborn/toddler so you can focus more on enjoying your kids and getting to know your new family dynamic. If you and your partner are on the same page about it (there has to be an "in it together" attitude) you should be just fine, no matter what life throws your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple things.

Each pregnancy is very different. Each newborn is very different. Don't assume you'll have the same issues again but obviously talk to your doctor.

Wait and space at least 3 years apart and 4 is better. Makes a MASSIVE difference.

100 percent get a nanny. Don't fit it around daycare. Just get a nanny. Sounds like you can easily afford it. That takes away a lot of the pain points of getting 2 kids out the door in the AM and getting somewhere to pick them up. Way less disruptions for illness, etc. You can put oldest in morning preschool. Consider it an investment in your sanity.

I had 2 kids doing above with a husband who worked non-stop and traveled a lot when my kids were little and I held down a relatively demanding (but also time constrained) full-time job.

My kids are older now and no regrets.

I have 3 kids and agree with all of this except the spacing. My first two are 20 months apart and god it's perfect. They play together, are best friends - really, having 2 for me is easier than 1 would've been because they will literally play together for hours. Ymmv but I wouldn't suggest necessarily waiting.

You for sure just need a nanny. No more daycare. A nanny.

I think if you are really kind of raising kids alone (fairly absent partner) and you're barely hanging on yourself and no family around to help, two infants at the same time can just bury you. It would have buried me at least. But I think some of you are stronger women than me and I envy/admire it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple things.

Each pregnancy is very different. Each newborn is very different. Don't assume you'll have the same issues again but obviously talk to your doctor.

Wait and space at least 3 years apart and 4 is better. Makes a MASSIVE difference.

100 percent get a nanny. Don't fit it around daycare. Just get a nanny. Sounds like you can easily afford it. That takes away a lot of the pain points of getting 2 kids out the door in the AM and getting somewhere to pick them up. Way less disruptions for illness, etc. You can put oldest in morning preschool. Consider it an investment in your sanity.

I had 2 kids doing above with a husband who worked non-stop and traveled a lot when my kids were little and I held down a relatively demanding (but also time constrained) full-time job.

My kids are older now and no regrets.

I have 3 kids and agree with all of this except the spacing. My first two are 20 months apart and god it's perfect. They play together, are best friends - really, having 2 for me is easier than 1 would've been because they will literally play together for hours. Ymmv but I wouldn't suggest necessarily waiting.

You for sure just need a nanny. No more daycare. A nanny.

I think if you are really kind of raising kids alone (fairly absent partner) and you're barely hanging on yourself and no family around to help, two infants at the same time can just bury you. It would have buried me at least. But I think some of you are stronger women than me and I envy/admire it.

I had two kids 15 months apart at the start of covid, spouse who had just become a big law partner, no childcare or local family. That time is a blur. You don't know what you're capable of until you have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple things.

Each pregnancy is very different. Each newborn is very different. Don't assume you'll have the same issues again but obviously talk to your doctor.

Wait and space at least 3 years apart and 4 is better. Makes a MASSIVE difference.

100 percent get a nanny. Don't fit it around daycare. Just get a nanny. Sounds like you can easily afford it. That takes away a lot of the pain points of getting 2 kids out the door in the AM and getting somewhere to pick them up. Way less disruptions for illness, etc. You can put oldest in morning preschool. Consider it an investment in your sanity.

I had 2 kids doing above with a husband who worked non-stop and traveled a lot when my kids were little and I held down a relatively demanding (but also time constrained) full-time job.

My kids are older now and no regrets.

I have 3 kids and agree with all of this except the spacing. My first two are 20 months apart and god it's perfect. They play together, are best friends - really, having 2 for me is easier than 1 would've been because they will literally play together for hours. Ymmv but I wouldn't suggest necessarily waiting.

You for sure just need a nanny. No more daycare. A nanny.

I think if you are really kind of raising kids alone (fairly absent partner) and you're barely hanging on yourself and no family around to help, two infants at the same time can just bury you. It would have buried me at least. But I think some of you are stronger women than me and I envy/admire it.

I had two kids 15 months apart at the start of covid, spouse who had just become a big law partner, no childcare or local family. That time is a blur. You don't know what you're capable of until you have to do it.

DP, but things don't always work out well because they did for you. Not everyone rises to the occasion. Parents (mostly moms) can get severe postpartum depression/anxiety. They can turn to alcohol to cope. Kids can have severe special needs. I think it's completely reasonable for the OP to think clearly about what supports she'll have, rather than white-knuckling it through a blur.

PP, you don't need to criticize yourself for not being "stronger." You're human. We all have different capacities for different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple things.

Each pregnancy is very different. Each newborn is very different. Don't assume you'll have the same issues again but obviously talk to your doctor.

Wait and space at least 3 years apart and 4 is better. Makes a MASSIVE difference.

100 percent get a nanny. Don't fit it around daycare. Just get a nanny. Sounds like you can easily afford it. That takes away a lot of the pain points of getting 2 kids out the door in the AM and getting somewhere to pick them up. Way less disruptions for illness, etc. You can put oldest in morning preschool. Consider it an investment in your sanity.

I had 2 kids doing above with a husband who worked non-stop and traveled a lot when my kids were little and I held down a relatively demanding (but also time constrained) full-time job.

My kids are older now and no regrets.

I have 3 kids and agree with all of this except the spacing. My first two are 20 months apart and god it's perfect. They play together, are best friends - really, having 2 for me is easier than 1 would've been because they will literally play together for hours. Ymmv but I wouldn't suggest necessarily waiting.

You for sure just need a nanny. No more daycare. A nanny.

I think if you are really kind of raising kids alone (fairly absent partner) and you're barely hanging on yourself and no family around to help, two infants at the same time can just bury you. It would have buried me at least. But I think some of you are stronger women than me and I envy/admire it.

I had two kids 15 months apart at the start of covid, spouse who had just become a big law partner, no childcare or local family. That time is a blur. You don't know what you're capable of until you have to do it.

sounds amazing and like you were probably home with them

if you need to function at a job, this will not go well. humans need to sleep to function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple things.

Each pregnancy is very different. Each newborn is very different. Don't assume you'll have the same issues again but obviously talk to your doctor.

Wait and space at least 3 years apart and 4 is better. Makes a MASSIVE difference.

100 percent get a nanny. Don't fit it around daycare. Just get a nanny. Sounds like you can easily afford it. That takes away a lot of the pain points of getting 2 kids out the door in the AM and getting somewhere to pick them up. Way less disruptions for illness, etc. You can put oldest in morning preschool. Consider it an investment in your sanity.

I had 2 kids doing above with a husband who worked non-stop and traveled a lot when my kids were little and I held down a relatively demanding (but also time constrained) full-time job.

My kids are older now and no regrets.

I have 3 kids and agree with all of this except the spacing. My first two are 20 months apart and god it's perfect. They play together, are best friends - really, having 2 for me is easier than 1 would've been because they will literally play together for hours. Ymmv but I wouldn't suggest necessarily waiting.

You for sure just need a nanny. No more daycare. A nanny.

+1 to all of this. Mine are 2.5 years apart, almost 3, and it's perfect. Older one was potty-trained and independent enough when younger sibling was born, but they are close enough in age to play together very well now at 5 & 8. Fwiw, I'm a single parent without family around.

[Anonymous]

Part of the joy of having our second child was seeing how it affected our first child. Our kids are very close, and given how extroverted our first child is, I think it would have been very lonely had our second child not been born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP to PP. I'd definitely be interested in hearing what kind of help is beneficial with a second child. I think we'd for sure send the new child to the same daycare as our son. It's open til 6pm. Would you recommend evening help? Money isn't a concern, but mainly just trying to figure out what I need and what's available! That's sort of where I struggle. Thank you for your insight. The idea of waiting a little longer is a good idea.

We have a full time nanny who leaves at 6pm. No daycare, just preschool the year before kindergarten. We put in the nanny's contract that they do all kids laundry and feed dinner, and do no more than five non-child related tasks/errands per week (dry cleaning, picking up food at farmer's market, etc.). We have cleaning people twice a week. They do all linens, so DH and I just do a load or two of laundry per week of our own clothes.

[Anonymous]

I think it just depends on your personality and that of your kids. I have 3 kids (first two are 19 months apart and then next kid was 3.5 years later). Husband is big law and I am pretty much solo parenting 75% of the time. All our kids have gone to daycare/preschool sort of setting and we have never had a nanny. We are very social and my kids love being around their friends. I have a very flexible job and do all the drop offs and pick ups. I am used to DH working a lot so I just plan things and if he can come that is great, if not I just pack up all 3 kids and head out. Never been a problem for me. BUT my first two are girls and pretty docile. My third is a boy and he is a bit more rowdy and physical.

[Anonymous]

Get a good nanny. You don’t want two very young children getting sick from daycare on two different schedules. And it’s just too hard without the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it just depends on your personality and that of your kids. I have 3 kids (first two are 19 months apart and then next kid was 3.5 years later). Husband is big law and I am pretty much solo parenting 75% of the time. All our kids have gone to daycare/preschool sort of setting and we have never had a nanny. We are very social and my kids love being around their friends. I have a very flexible job and do all the drop offs and pick ups. I am used to DH working a lot so I just plan things and if he can come that is great, if not I just pack up all 3 kids and head out. Never been a problem for me. BUT my first two are girls and pretty docile. My third is a boy and he is a bit more rowdy and physical.

Just curious, but do you have additional help, like cleaning, etc? Did you hire a night nurse for the first few months? It's helpful to hear from someone else whose husband is big law. Reason I ask is we love our daycare and it's very convenient, location-wise. If we have a second child, I see them attending the same daycare (therefore I, too, would be organizing drop-off/pick-up). There are a lot of suggestions on here for a nanny - which I appreciate - but I'd love to find a way to keep the daycare situation going, since it's worked out so well with our first. How do you organize two kids around daycare, and do you manage them both at night by yourself w/o additional help? Would love to just hear a little more about how your schedule looks. Thank you!!