Talk to me about having a second kid
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Anonymous
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After having my son last year, I have thought more about just being "one and done" than I would have ever expected. My husband and I are both from families of two. I saw myself having two. No question. For several months I was thinking about having just one, but now that he's getting to be a little older, I really do think I want to have a second. I have a great relationship with my brother, and I know that it's not always an automatic best friend, but I believe I do want him to have a sibling, and I would love to have another child.
However, I had a difficult pregnancy, really difficult birth experience where I was in the hospital for a week before the birth with severe preeclampsia, son had a week-long NICU stay, I lost my job of 10 years due to a mass layoff during my maternity leave. Found a new job. Started a new job. Battles over COVID vaccination with my family who are Trump supporters. 2 months of daycare closures. Husband going through a career change and working very long hours. It's been a long ass year. We both work demanding jobs (albeit mine is between the hours of 9-5) and our son is in daycare full-time. We have a cleaning person come every 2 weeks, I have someone come for an hour or two twice a week in the mornings to do errands, neatening, dishes, laundry-type chores for me so I can work and not feel like I have to worry about extra stuff. I exercise every day. Son is a great sleeper and goes down at 7:30. Husband gets home at 10. I feel like after a tumultuous last year, I'm just sort of settling into a routine where I've figured out what help I need. I'm throwing money at some things. I spend time with son on weekend while husband works (he works full time and is in part-time school) and meet up with friends and their kids. I do feel fairly confident I want a second, but I'm nervous to feel like I'm starting all over again. I do see a therapist so I'm working through some of the negative affiliations I have around the concept of pregnancy/birth because I do want to try for another at some point, but I think because SO MUCH seemed to go wrong right off the bat, I don't feel like I'm approaching the decision with a "normal" experience to go off, so it's hard to feel clear-headed about it. I'm 35, and while I'm not chomping at the bit to get pregnant again, I feel like we need to decide within another year or so what our "plan" is. However, with my husband's career change, the long hours are going to continue (laywer), and I'm a little nervous about just some of the logistical things like handling both by myself when it feels like a lot sometimes just handling one. Or returning to the newborn stage. Neither set of grandparents is available for assistance, but maybe it's just enough that we have the housekeeper/cleaner service. I'm just not sure what I'll need and I'm not someone who just wants to "take the leap!" without having a general sense of how I'll do this. Any insight? Sorry if this is just rambly. but I have to imagine there are others on here who are busy, have jobs, and have two kids. Any advice or thoughts is greatly appreciated!! |
Anonymous
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My insight is, talk to your ob/gyn about going through labor and delivery again. Is it healthy for you? Would what happened last time happen again? Would they suggest inducing, for example?
Keep in mind we're not usually in a pandemic, and that the first year of having a baby is a HUGE adjustment. Maybe you want to wait a year or two before getting pregnant - you and/or DH can have time to get higher salaries which will allow you to hire more help, which would make having two kids easier than having no help. |
Anonymous
| This is OP to PP. I'd definitely be interested in hearing what kind of help is beneficial with a second child. I think we'd for sure send the new child to the same daycare as our son. It's open til 6pm. Would you recommend evening help? Money isn't a concern, but mainly just trying to figure out what I need and what's available! That's sort of where I struggle. Thank you for your insight. The idea of waiting a little longer is a good idea. |
Anonymous
| When will your husband be done with grad school? |
Anonymous
| OP to PP. He is finishing grad school May 2023, then becoming an associate at a big law firm. So he *may* have a less busy schedule just cause he won't be straddling school/work at the same time... but it's not like those jobs are known for easy hours... |
Anonymous
| I think that for me, going from 0 to 1 child was WAY harder on me. It was a change of my entire existence. Going from 1 to 2 was far harder on my spouse, who didn't get the full child-raising experience until we were playing man on man defense. I think it'd be hard to go from 1 to 2 with a spouse that had to work a lot. The resentment there might start to sneak in, so the extent that you're able to throw money at any kind of help would be great. |
Anonymous
1st several years at BigLaw are likely to be as bad as working full time in a regular job plus law school at night. What is your work situation? |
Anonymous
YES! I have heard many couples say this! Dad did not have to do much when first was born but really needs to step up with two. Yours may not be able to do that, especially if he is going into litigation. |
Anonymous
| OP here to the person who asked about my job. I work in corporate sales and am a high earner, salary now is comparable to what my husband will earn first couple years of biglaw and I love my job (not looking to move part time or anything like that). That said, it cleanly fits between 8-4/9-5 type-hours. I also work at home. |
Anonymous
NP. I am married to someone in Big Law. If you have the money for a nanny you will be fine. I would even get a night doula for the first few months. DH will be working a LOT, but Covid has offered more flexibility with hours/WFH in Big Law that wasn't there before and that might make things easier. |
Anonymous
| You need a nanny. If you have a nanny (and a night nurse until the new baby is settled into a good routine and your are fully recovered) I think it will all be doable. |
Anonymous
| OP here. How would you guys recommend structuring a nanny in addition to regular daycare hours (8-6ish)? Also like the idea of a night nurse. |
Anonymous
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Can you wait til your son is 3 to get pregnant? If you have limited help, I think it’s easier for the older child to be more independent.
I agree you will need to hire help. I think you will want help on the weekends too if your husband isn’t around. Unless you are a super chill person who’s okay wearing or strolling the new baby around while you do stuff with your older son all weekend. |
Anonymous
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A couple things.
Each pregnancy is very different. Each newborn is very different. Don't assume you'll have the same issues again but obviously talk to your doctor. Wait and space at least 3 years apart and 4 is better. Makes a MASSIVE difference. 100 percent get a nanny. Don't fit it around daycare. Just get a nanny. Sounds like you can easily afford it. That takes away a lot of the pain points of getting 2 kids out the door in the AM and getting somewhere to pick them up. Way less disruptions for illness, etc. You can put oldest in morning preschool. Consider it an investment in your sanity. I had 2 kids doing above with a husband who worked non-stop and traveled a lot when my kids were little and I held down a relatively demanding (but also time constrained) full-time job. My kids are older now and no regrets. |
Anonymous
I have 3 kids and agree with all of this except the spacing. My first two are 20 months apart and god it's perfect. They play together, are best friends - really, having 2 for me is easier than 1 would've been because they will literally play together for hours. Ymmv but I wouldn't suggest necessarily waiting. You for sure just need a nanny. No more daycare. A nanny. |