What income makes a man marriage material?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband when he was making 80k and I 50k. We were deeply in love, with no family money on either side. We got married in 2014. It has now been 8 years since we married. We do not own a home. We do not have children. We almost got a divorce 2 years ago due to stress of not having enough to build a family life in NOVA.

I am stressed out and regretful about my choice most days. Yes, he was hot and nice, but that did not give us an income to build a suitable family life. I watched with envy as each of my friends married men making 200k, 400k and immediately were able to buy homes, have babies, build families and a family life.
I never cared about money. I thought it was silly and materialistic. Because after all, its true love and the insides that matter.

As a bitter, broke, childless mid thirties woman, I regret not caring about my prospective husband's salary.

If I were to do it again I would not date anyone who made less than 300k.

Why didn’t you choose a lucrative career path and work towards promotions? I say this as a female breadwinner. When I met my husband he made $20k as a post-doc. He’s not super ambitious and I didn’t know if he’d ever get a “real” job. I didn’t care because I knew I could support us. He has since become a GS-15 and that has allowed me to step back and stagnate in my career while our kids are young.

PP here. I was never particularly ambitious and wanted to be a mom. My husband had a good degree so I assumed he'd make a respectable 150k or so in a few years. Well, that did not happen. He also had 200k graduate school debt which would also swallow our already small salary. We never felt secure enough to have a baby in those years as neither of us had parental help or a safety net to fall back on and meager savings. Between paying rent, his school loans and groceries we would have nothing left over. We could not imagine adding a baby to the mix. I grew increasingly angry and resentful as that wasn't the life I had signed up for. I had hoped to be a mother within 1-2 years of being married.

Well...life had other plans.

My husband became tired of living paycheck to paycheck and started his own consulting business. Last year he made 320k, this year he has made 150k so far. If things keep going this way, I guess we can finally TTC. But I have learned from my smarter friends who weeded out high paid men while dating. They have it all. The house, the children, the relatively stress free life.

Of course, if I was ambitious on my own, I wouldn't have cared as much, but for a family minded woman, prioritizing a man with a well paid income is very important. Interestingly, my friends who make money are not interested in someone who makes less either.

Lol, so women who don't make a lot of money want a man who makes a lot of money. And women who make a lot of money also want a man who makes a lot of money. I'm starting to notice a theme here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a man in his 40’s? I mean, unless you are looking to marry someone much younger than yourself, you aren’t really looking to support a family anymore. I would say that as long as you make more than you spend and aren’t still hustling with seasonal or part time jobs, you are fine.

I often wonder who is reading these boards. A lot of people have first children around age 40. Most of my female friends had their first children at 40 or 41 about eight years ago. Around age 40 a man should expect to be still be raising a family if he hasn’t been married yet for sure. My second child was born eight years ago and my ex-husband was 41. But like I said I know plenty of people that had first children around age 40. This is not the 1990s.

The women I know who are looking to start a family in their forties are pretty career focused and aren’t really looking for a good provider. They wouldn’t care what OP’s income is other than wanting it to match their own.

Again...not true. Three of my friends who had 1st kids at 40 are stay-at-home moms. They were ready to stop working and they have not worked since. If a woman wants a baby, finances matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband when he was making 80k and I 50k. We were deeply in love, with no family money on either side. We got married in 2014. It has now been 8 years since we married. We do not own a home. We do not have children. We almost got a divorce 2 years ago due to stress of not having enough to build a family life in NOVA.

I am stressed out and regretful about my choice most days. Yes, he was hot and nice, but that did not give us an income to build a suitable family life. I watched with envy as each of my friends married men making 200k, 400k and immediately were able to buy homes, have babies, build families and a family life.
I never cared about money. I thought it was silly and materialistic. Because after all, its true love and the insides that matter.

As a bitter, broke, childless mid thirties woman, I regret not caring about my prospective husband's salary.

If I were to do it again I would not date anyone who made less than 300k.

Let me start by saying making $130k is not broken. You just made every one including myself who do not make alot sound like lovers.

My husband made alot less and we live in NY and have 3 kids, 2 now who are adults and a 16 year old and live fairly well in a 3 bedroom apartmentin a nice neighborhood. So it can be done if you really want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband when he was making 80k and I 50k. We were deeply in love, with no family money on either side. We got married in 2014. It has now been 8 years since we married. We do not own a home. We do not have children. We almost got a divorce 2 years ago due to stress of not having enough to build a family life in NOVA.

I am stressed out and regretful about my choice most days. Yes, he was hot and nice, but that did not give us an income to build a suitable family life. I watched with envy as each of my friends married men making 200k, 400k and immediately were able to buy homes, have babies, build families and a family life.
I never cared about money. I thought it was silly and materialistic. Because after all, its true love and the insides that matter.

As a bitter, broke, childless mid thirties woman, I regret not caring about my prospective husband's salary.

If I were to do it again I would not date anyone who made less than 300k.

Let me start by saying making $130k is not broken. You just made every one including myself who do not make alot sound like lovers.

My husband made alot less and we live in NY and have 3 kids, 2 now who are adults and a 16 year old and live fairly well in a 3 bedroom apartmentin a nice neighborhood. So it can be done if you really want it.

*broke and losers*

[Anonymous]

It wholly depends on the life you are trying to lead, and the life your partner is trying to lead, and synchronizing those goals.

If you want your wife to stay home for the first year, the first five years OR if you want your wife to have an interesting and well paid job and have a good nanny, I put the floor at about $250,000 in this area.

If you both want to work and you have a good daycare option maybe $150,000/each

Some adjustments for where you want to live, how much vacation you want to take, whether you want to send kids to
Private school or whether you will pay for college all factor in, but HHI for this area, $250,000+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This debate is always so fascinating to me.
My husband was making $15k when I met him helping run his family business. He was late thirties. Had multiple income bearing properties. Had zero debt.
I was a lawyer making ten times more than him, but boatloads of school debt.
We went out and borrowed seven figures for a business for us both to run, but mostly him. It brought us about $100k a year in profit.
We sold it after ten years and he started his own business.
I now make more than $500k per year in large part to him owning his own business and being very involved in family stuff. He makes much less with a new biz in a pandemic, but I don’t care what he makes. He might eventually be more successful than me.
But his income has never mattered “that” much because I can support myself.

But, I also 100% believe that money solves problem. We have a kid with profound special needs and the ability to outsource has saved us.

Sounds like he is not (or you both are not) that good with money. No one smart borrows seven figures to buy a business earning $100K per year; you can just build one of those in 2-3 years with zero debt.

The business made a lot more than that. I’m taking about what we pulled out after debt service and reinvestment. And really it was probably more like $200k many years. We did very well. We paid off the seven figure loan quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a man in his 40’s? I mean, unless you are looking to marry someone much younger than yourself, you aren’t really looking to support a family anymore. I would say that as long as you make more than you spend and aren’t still hustling with seasonal or part time jobs, you are fine.

I often wonder who is reading these boards. A lot of people have first children around age 40. Most of my female friends had their first children at 40 or 41 about eight years ago. Around age 40 a man should expect to be still be raising a family if he hasn’t been married yet for sure. My second child was born eight years ago and my ex-husband was 41. But like I said I know plenty of people that had first children around age 40. This is not the 1990s.

The women I know who are looking to start a family in their forties are pretty career focused and aren’t really looking for a good provider. They wouldn’t care what OP’s income is other than wanting it to match their own.

Again...not true. Three of my friends who had 1st kids at 40 are stay-at-home moms. They were ready to stop working and they have not worked since. If a woman wants a baby, finances matter.

You have three friends who had their first babies in their 40’s and then never worked outside the home again? And this was their plan when they started dating their husbands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, he would need to signal that he wants to have kids, that he has strong family values and wants to play an active role in raising and supporting the kids. Since this anonymous, I'll admit that when I was dating, I only took men who were ambitious and high earners seriously, but I was in big law at the time, so I think it was fair to want a partner who matched my ambition and work ethic.

Why is this? Why can’t it be someone who has similar values for family, maybe politics or religion, fun to be with, maybe funny or brave? Like why is income, work, ambition such a stark measure. I know it’s because you expect men to be providers, but it feels sexist.

You are better off being with someone whose values are compatible with yours (don't have to be the same but compatible), and ambition and work ethic are a part of that. I wouldn't concentrate on income by itself because a star classical musician is likely making less than a run of the mill big law person, but the attitude toward achievement, work life balance, etc can make or break the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband when he was making 80k and I 50k. We were deeply in love, with no family money on either side. We got married in 2014. It has now been 8 years since we married. We do not own a home. We do not have children. We almost got a divorce 2 years ago due to stress of not having enough to build a family life in NOVA.

I am stressed out and regretful about my choice most days. Yes, he was hot and nice, but that did not give us an income to build a suitable family life. I watched with envy as each of my friends married men making 200k, 400k and immediately were able to buy homes, have babies, build families and a family life.
I never cared about money. I thought it was silly and materialistic. Because after all, its true love and the insides that matter.

As a bitter, broke, childless mid thirties woman, I regret not caring about my prospective husband's salary.

If I were to do it again I would not date anyone who made less than 300k.

Girl, why aren't you earning more? You might end up less bitter if you are able to pay your own way.

A married mother of three who makes $250K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on a lot. What type of woman do you want to marry? Do you already have kids? Want kids?

If you childless and are in your late 30s/early 40s and expecting to marry a women 10 yrs younger that will want to be a SAHM, I’d say 300k min.

If you already have kids, marrying someone already with kids and/or don’t want anymore kids, I would say 150k- assuming a woman divorced with her own kids is already working full time and kids are at least school aged and she will continue to work full time

I’m amazed that people think you need 300k minimum just to be the norm. What are you people spending so much money on? Yea housing here is pricey, but damn. You can’t make a 150-200HHI work?

Some of you really need financial planners in your lives.

Ok, well..that is the smart, attractive, and ambitious women in their Late 20s/30s looking to get married ideally want, especially if the man is in his late 30s/early 40s. Plenty of women are fine with less of course. Plenty of women will marry a younger man making make a lot less too depending and ambition and potential. But if OP is in his 40s, it is expected his income is near prime level at this point. So all the PPs chiming on on “when I met DH he was making 25k,” are irrelevant since they were likely much younger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a man in his 40’s? I mean, unless you are looking to marry someone much younger than yourself, you aren’t really looking to support a family anymore. I would say that as long as you make more than you spend and aren’t still hustling with seasonal or part time jobs, you are fine.

I often wonder who is reading these boards. A lot of people have first children around age 40. Most of my female friends had their first children at 40 or 41 about eight years ago. Around age 40 a man should expect to be still be raising a family if he hasn’t been married yet for sure. My second child was born eight years ago and my ex-husband was 41. But like I said I know plenty of people that had first children around age 40. This is not the 1990s.

The women I know who are looking to start a family in their forties are pretty career focused and aren’t really looking for a good provider. They wouldn’t care what OP’s income is other than wanting it to match their own.

Again...not true. Three of my friends who had 1st kids at 40 are stay-at-home moms. They were ready to stop working and they have not worked since. If a woman wants a baby, finances matter.

You have three friends who had their first babies in their 40’s and then never worked outside the home again? And this was their plan when they started dating their husbands?

I assume they shared this plan with their husbands. I did not ask. And yes I have three friends like this who are all stay at home moms who all had their first kid at age 40. People really need to get with the times here. Many many people have babies or elementary kids in their 40s so anybody who is looking to get married at 40 should plan on supporting a kid for 18 years at least. Gone are the days when kids are grown when people are 40.

[Anonymous]

Income doesn’t really matter. It’s more about investments, debts, how you spend your money, what you value…

You can make $150k, be a homeowner, debt-free (aside from mortgage), max out retirement accts, have lots of assets…

Or you can make $350k, have student loans, be paying exorbitant rent, blowing money on cars and designer shoes, have no savings…

Another thing that women look at is the family a man comes from. Are they well off? Supportive? Stable? You marry the family, not just the man.

Bottom line - Most women are looking for stability, not just a big income.

[Anonymous]

If you pull your weight around the home, i.e. cook, clean, manage/plan household errands, then above 75 or 80k is fine. Especially if your career has good work-life balance and you are home and available to your family with reasonable hours. You won't be a catch to someone who wants to be a SAHM, but you will to someone who wants a loving and equal partner.

If you want to do <25% of the domestic work or are not especially useful at it, you better be making 300k+

When I married my DH he was a broke student with 6 figures of student loans, great work ethic and ambition, and while we were dating he demonstrated that he was willing to be an equal partner. Now he makes a good income but he remains a great partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wholly depends on the life you are trying to lead, and the life your partner is trying to lead, and synchronizing those goals.

If you want your wife to stay home for the first year, the first five years OR if you want your wife to have an interesting and well paid job and have a good nanny, I put the floor at about $250,000 in this area.

If you both want to work and you have a good daycare option maybe $150,000/each

Some adjustments for where you want to live, how much vacation you want to take, whether you want to send kids to
Private school or whether you will pay for college all factor in, but HHI for this area, $250,000+

Riiight, you both need to make $150k to swing decent daycare.

[Anonymous]

Don’t. Just be a good guy and be interested in her as a human being. She will figure out eventually what your income is.

Don’t show off your money. 1) it cheapens the emotion Al aspect of a relationship (I’m not talking about thoughtful gifts here) and 2) that’s a turn-off for women like me who value money sense in a partner more than salary.