Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wives- if you don't want to have sex, any excuse will work.

…man on internet has literally just discovered what consent means? Even better buddy— you don’t even need an excuse! You get to say “no” and then you don’t have to have sex!

DP. I think you’re conflating some different things here. I think withholding consent without any explanation at all is better than a pretextual or guessed at excuse. “I don’t want to” is better than “I don’t want to because you loaded the dishwasher wrong.”

I’m going to flat out disagree. If you don’t want to because the dishwasher was loaded wrong, then have the guts to say it.
I think that a lot of women think that this is glaringly obvious while men find it hard to believe that the dirty dishes have anything at all to do with whether or not their wives want to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Married for 15 years and still love to have sex with my husband. #1 reason is because he is GREAT in bed. It's simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

How do you know if you aren't good in bed if your wife won't give you suggestions?

She probably doesn’t know what she likes. Despite popular belief, a lot of women fake enjoying sex. They fake it more when they don’t enjoy it because they know that it will be over faster if they feign enthusiasm. So, it’s entirely possible that neither you nor your wife have any idea what she likes.

So, find a book or a video on how to give good oral sex. Try some new things. Ask your wife if she likes it.

For all men complain about this, even otherwise hardworking men are shockingly lazy about learning how to pleasure their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

This. Husbands can let themselves go, never do anything romantic, and be lousy in bed. But then they get angry when we won’t fall down on our backs like they are sex gods.

Stop with this fantasy that good husbands are showered with sex and only bad husbands go wanting. Husbands can also be perfectly good people, not become hideous, treat their wife and family well, and still not be the object of their wife's sexual desire.

I don’t agree.

The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

Here’s what worked for me, and the only thing I’ve seen work among my peers:

Make your marriage a place where your wife’s sexuality is treated as a family priority. Proper recovery after childbirth (this is where Everyone I Know who stopped sleeping with her husband has a common factor: Insufficient recovery support), enough rest— physical but also mental, no one wants to switch gears from planning all the summer camp to going down on their husband— dedicated time for exercise in a format that she finds enjoyable, vacations where she isn’t the cruise director and she is as much “on vacation” as everyone else, not squeezed into a house with 13 other people while FIL waits for her to wash dishes.

And here’s the thing— that might mean making changes. That might mean the husband says no to vacations with his parents or starts waking up early on Saturday to take the kids to swim lessons. That’s ok. It’s ok to make changes to support a lifestyle you want. But people like the OP want to keep everything the same and expect the wife to suddenly want sex with him, while he’s clearly not putting in the minimum if he has time for affairs.

— wife who has sex with her wife 2x week and 2x day on vacations

amen, sister.. to all of this.

FYI - just cause you unloaded the dishwasher for a few days doesn't erase years of stress and resentment. It took years for that resentment to build up; it will a while for her to get over the resentment.

Totally true and no one should think changing one thing will work.

Advice we got during this period— advice I sought because it really distressed me to see my sex drive falling off when I was happily having sex with my husband 2-3 times a day in graduate school— was that our bodies do not care that our circumstances have changed. So the level of self care, mental and physical stimulation, and lack of stress that I experienced in grad school was what it was going to take for me to have that sex drive. That sex drive does not come back because someone loads a dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

There are so many men and some women too who have these mid life crisis points where they aren't telling theie spouse anything is wrong and just cheating to cheat. They often have good sex lives too. It's the novelty or depression built up but not shown. How do you deal with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love and marriage can last forever. But sexual desire does not. IMHO. Not that super hot hunger.

For some people the benefits of marriage are worth it. You have to decide what’s important to YOU.

Been married 16 years and I'm still hot for my DH. Three kids.

I know some of my friends who still like sex with DH but none who say they are hot got him. My guess is you are a dude

I believe it. If you're truly compatible that way, there almost no way to turn it off.

Yup. I'm definitely a woman. We are like Claire and Jamie from Outlander in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it really distressed me to see my sex drive falling off when I was happily having sex with my husband 2-3 times a day in graduate school— was that our bodies do not care that our circumstances have changed. So the level of self care, mental and physical stimulation, and lack of stress that I experienced in grad school was what it was going to take for me to have that sex drive.

Your experience with grad school is different than anyone I knew. They were always talking about how overworked and stressed out they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love and marriage can last forever. But sexual desire does not. IMHO. Not that super hot hunger.

For some people the benefits of marriage are worth it. You have to decide what’s important to YOU.

Been married 16 years and I'm still hot for my DH. Three kids.

+1 I’m obsessed with him. Can’t keep my hands off him, obsessed.

He is very giving in all the ways, great dad and great around the house. I think the level of attraction in a longterm relationship definitely reflects the quality of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love and marriage can last forever. But sexual desire does not. IMHO. Not that super hot hunger.

For some people the benefits of marriage are worth it. You have to decide what’s important to YOU.

Been married 16 years and I'm still hot for my DH. Three kids.

+1 I’m obsessed with him. Can’t keep my hands off him, obsessed.

He is very giving in all the ways, great dad and great around the house. I think the level of attraction in a longterm relationship definitely reflects the quality of the relationship.

So if I have no attraction to my DH, is that a sign a should throw in the towel? I thought loss of desire was normal but reading these responses makes be wonder if sexual loss is really a sign we should be divorcing and moving on to the next partner.

Very few people have sexual chemistry 2 decades into a marriage, which sort of shows how few people are really wired for monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

How do you know if you aren't good in bed if your wife won't give you suggestions?

She probably doesn’t know what she likes. Despite popular belief, a lot of women fake enjoying sex. They fake it more when they don’t enjoy it because they know that it will be over faster if they feign enthusiasm. So, it’s entirely possible that neither you nor your wife have any idea what she likes.

So, find a book or a video on how to give good oral sex. Try some new things. Ask your wife if she likes it.

For all men complain about this, even otherwise hardworking men are shockingly lazy about learning how to pleasure their wives.

Seriously. How do you know… I mean, have you tried asking? Really asking, not just like one or two questions. And really listening and responding. Start just on something non sexual like cuddling and really ask what feels good to her, and keep learning. That level of intimacy and caring leads to genuine physical connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love and marriage can last forever. But sexual desire does not. IMHO. Not that super hot hunger.

For some people the benefits of marriage are worth it. You have to decide what’s important to YOU.

Been married 16 years and I'm still hot for my DH. Three kids.

+1 I’m obsessed with him. Can’t keep my hands off him, obsessed.

He is very giving in all the ways, great dad and great around the house. I think the level of attraction in a longterm relationship definitely reflects the quality of the relationship.

So if I have no attraction to my DH, is that a sign a should throw in the towel? I thought loss of desire was normal but reading these responses makes be wonder if sexual loss is really a sign we should be divorcing and moving on to the next partner.

Very few people have sexual chemistry 2 decades into a marriage, which sort of shows how few people are really wired for monogamy.

I don’t know how to answer this. How was your chemistry when you started?

I think part of it is mindset. If you’re very stressed and depleted naturally it won’t be on your mind. You do have to cultivate it a little bit, if you’re not feeling in touch with your own desire you can’t feel it for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

I think most men would be fine with the women wanting as much as she wanted 10 years ago. They don't need her to want it more than before, just the same as before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

I think most men would be fine with the women wanting as much as she wanted 10 years ago. They don't need her to want it more than before, just the same as before.

I think that’s fine and wholly reasonable if the woman’s life looks like it did ten years ago.

Had a baby, never got decent pelvic floor care, sex is painful? It didn’t hurt ten years ago.

Had another baby, DH isn’t pulling his weight? She felt like she had an actual partner ten heads ago.

Never had the opportunity to regain her pre-children body? She felt like a more sexual being ten years ago.

Many husbands were more attractive to their wives ten years ago. They were attentive and fun. They cared about maintaining their wives attraction to them. Create the conditions for sexuality to succeed even if it means sacrifice, IMO it’s worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it really distressed me to see my sex drive falling off when I was happily having sex with my husband 2-3 times a day in graduate school— was that our bodies do not care that our circumstances have changed. So the level of self care, mental and physical stimulation, and lack of stress that I experienced in grad school was what it was going to take for me to have that sex drive.

Your experience with grad school is different than anyone I knew. They were always talking about how overworked and stressed out they were.

Guess I was lucky! Or maybe “lack of stress” is relative. But it was definitely the time of my life I had the highest sex drive and the advice to try to create similar conditions has been successful for us. To be honest we’re questioning whether we want a third, though, and one reason is maintaining a lifestyle
conducive to a healthy sex life.

[Anonymous]

Novelty and youth really do have an impact on sex drive. I think it's a mistake for people to pretend otherwise.