"My daughter is my best friend" - Explain

[Anonymous]

I think this is triggering for some women because we all crave closeness and acceptance in our relationships but we don't all get it. So when a woman talks about a close relationship with a daughter, sister, or mother, it can provoke a sense of longing. OP even admits that part of the reason this bothers her is that she does not have a close relationship, or even positive relationship, with her daughter. So of course it would be hard to hear about someone who seems to have what she does not.

No one in this thread has described a "best friend" relationship with her daughter as one in which they share intimate details of their life, unload on her, or violate other important boundaries of a parent-child relationship. It just means they like doing certain activities with their daughter that they normally do with friends (movies, shopping, going for coffee) and that they like their daughters as people. I think of it as recognizing you would be friends with your daughter even if she wasn't your daughter, that you like her as a person in a way that is separate than your maternal love for her.

All healthy friendships have healthy boundaries. That would of course apply to a friendship with one of your kids, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah so the troll moms finally came out from under the rock to throw snark. Glad to see you. If you are falling over yourself to publicly proclaim your daughter is your bestest friend in the whole world we are all looking at you with a side eye.

I don't care what you think. Win-win for both of us.

+1

Words like "best friend" mean different things to different people. It truly should not matter to you how another mom describes her relationship with her daughter. It doesn't concern you.

Hhhmmm, I disagree. I would be concerned about a minor child who has a mom who calls the two of them "best friends." It is a huge red flag to me. NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah so the troll moms finally came out from under the rock to throw snark. Glad to see you. If you are falling over yourself to publicly proclaim your daughter is your bestest friend in the whole world we are all looking at you with a side eye.

I don't care what you think. Win-win for both of us.

+1

Words like "best friend" mean different things to different people. It truly should not matter to you how another mom describes her relationship with her daughter. It doesn't concern you.

Hhhmmm, I disagree. I would be concerned about a minor child who has a mom who calls the two of them "best friends." It is a huge red flag to me. NP.

Well call CPS then.

[Anonymous]

4 pages and no one has posted this yet ... I feel obligated to do so.

https://images.app.goo.gl/EtFwpjQncN7vp9Wu9

[Anonymous]

My mom considered me her best friend when I was a teenager. I hated it. She was codependent and needed me to be her friend. She would go crying to me about my dad, I hated it. It was very unhealthy.
Moms - never use your daughter as your friend. It is traumatizing and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My tween dd is turning out to be pretty good company. I wouldn't say she's my best friend but I can happily say that I enjoy her company on things like car rides, walks, shopping, running errands etc. I imagine it could all change when she becomes a teen.

Sadly this will likely change the difference between tween years and 15+ years is very different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

So just imagine it's the opposite. If your daughter had a very similar personality to you and loved hanging out with you and it was just easy and fun on both your parts. That's all the "best friend" mom is trying to convey.

+1.

It's weird the mom that's being judged has 3 daughters and only 1 is her "best friend". And also sounds like OP has a spicy, antagonistic relationship with her own daughter. Not uncommon, and hope for both their sakes it improves with time.

Op here. The mom I was referencing in my original post seems to have a very codependent relationship with her one daughter. She also seems to have similar relationships with other close relatives outside her family unit which gets noticed. I get the closeness of the previous posters with their DDs and makes sense. As I said before I am closest to my older DS but still wouldn't consider him my BF though even though I think we fall into many of the described relationships above. I am not judging the mom I am referring to, but rather trying to understand what she meant. She was so exerburent about it, it was a little uncomfortable, but also made me wonder about if what I am experiencing is typical or not.

I like your description as "spicy". That is a perfect description. My DD wants to be told she is right about everything, wants zero advice, no chores or accountability, and wants to dictate to me how things are going to go. I don't roll like that. One typical example, she is having a serious disagreement with a friend. I validate her feelings, but also warn her to not be so rigid with the friend and work through it, talk it out, listen to the friend. DD just wants me to tell her she's right and gets mad. DD wants to "right" fight instead of getting friend to attend a planned outing which is self defeating. I tell her it's my job to help her navigate some of these things as I've already been thru stuff like this and made mistakes that I wish someone would have helped me navigate better and it's not always about being right. Doesn't matter, she is still angry and storms off. I can't win. Do I sit in silence and watch her blow up things in her life over and over so I just don't anger her. Seems ridiculous. But if I say anything not at all what she wants to hear, it's drama. That's prob a whole separate post.

Stop doing this while in the moment and it will help your relationship. Just validate her feelings and let it go at that. Don't "But if you..." or "But you should do ..."
Just let your DD be mad and don't try to fix it.

If you want to share the warning to not be so rigid and talk it out and to listen, do that when she is not angry and not in the moment. You can't dictate to her how she interacts with her friends so if she doesn't accept your advice or doesn't want to do it, then she gets to make that choice. I know how hard it is because we are older can know how they situations can end. And then again, we only know it because we once lived through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is triggering for some women because we all crave closeness and acceptance in our relationships but we don't all get it. So when a woman talks about a close relationship with a daughter, sister, or mother, it can provoke a sense of longing. OP even admits that part of the reason this bothers her is that she does not have a close relationship, or even positive relationship, with her daughter. So of course it would be hard to hear about someone who seems to have what she does not.

No one in this thread has described a "best friend" relationship with her daughter as one in which they share intimate details of their life, unload on her, or violate other important boundaries of a parent-child relationship. It just means they like doing certain activities with their daughter that they normally do with friends (movies, shopping, going for coffee) and that they like their daughters as people. I think of it as recognizing you would be friends with your daughter even if she wasn't your daughter, that you like her as a person in a way that is separate than your maternal love for her.

All healthy friendships have healthy boundaries. That would of course apply to a friendship with one of your kids, too.

Thank you (not OP) but this is a warm, helpful post.

I'll admit that I was really happy to see KBJ's family beam for her (especially her daughter) at her confirmation hearing, but I did feel a twinge that I don't have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s some old movie that one of the characters said, “if your daughter is you best friend, your kid has a child for a parent”.

This. My daughter has a roommate whose mom is like that. It's a big burden on the young woman; she needs to do her own things, not to bend over backwards to compensate for her mother's lack of friends or other social connections.

And, btw, I am close with my daughter, that's how I know the story.

[Anonymous]

My mom became my best friend once I was an adult and realized that - at the end of the day - everyone but her was going to let me down in some way. Everyone but her was ultimately more concerned about themselves.

But no, she was not my best friend when I was a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom became my best friend once I was an adult and realized that - at the end of the day - everyone but her was going to let me down in some way. Everyone but her was ultimately more concerned about themselves.

But no, she was not my best friend when I was a teen.

This is precisely what I want to be for my DD as an adult. I mean, I don't want everyone else to let her down, but I know that in life, most people will put themselves first (obviously) and that it is a rare person who will prioritize you. My mom didn't prioritize me either (not entirely her fault, she was abused as a kid and I just don't think had the capacity to be that kind of mom) and my adulthood was pretty lonely until I got married. I also was a pretty needy adult for a while because I was subconsciously looking for that type of relationship in friends and boyfriends, and that's just not how those relationships were ever going to work.

So I'd like to be that for my DD if I can -- the person who shows up even if other people don't.

I do agree you need strong boundaries with kids though. But I would argue that thinking of your DD as your best friend is easier than thinking of your mom as your best friend when you are a teen. Teenagers tend to have pretty intense, close friendships because they spend so much time together and that time in your life is intense. I think it would be a little weird if a 16 or 17 year old was closer to her mom than her friends because friendship is so important for this age.

As a 40-something mom, I have lots of friends, some I've had for decades, but friendship has a different, looser, much less intense quality at this age. I mean just going on time -- I see most of my friends maybe once or twice a month at the very most. My DD sees most of her friends daily, she texts with them all the time. It makes sense that she is a more important figure in my life than I am in hers right now. I'm not offended! Doesn't change how I feel about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

this. I have three boys and a daughter. My daughter tells me everything about her life because she wants to and I tell her most things about mine. She regularly says I am her best friend, and while we have a mother-daughter relationship and she respects me, I see nothing wrong with me being the person she is closest to.

[Anonymous]

I think most people are just referring to the unique bond they have with their child. Those that actually attempt to be on the same level/act and dress like a teen - there is something else going on there that likely isn't healthy.

I always just assumed I'd have all boys. When I found out I was having a girl, I assumed she'd have vastly different interests and personality than mine. I'm quite different from my own mom. Turns out, she has the same interests and passions and same personality. I still kind of marvel at my mini-me. She hasn't reached the point where she cannot stand me (maybe she never will) but she vastly prefers her best friends and when I need to talk/vent whatever I vastly prefer mine too.

I love her and I am completely fascinated that she is so much like me, in personality, athletic ability (good and bad) and interests, but I'm not her best friend and she's not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't really help, sorry. I have two sons, and I am close to them. But ever since they were young and went through the "you're not my friend anymore" phase, I used to tell them I've never been their friend, I'm their mother. One is permanent, one is not. So now we laugh about it when I say something about being their friend--they always remind me that we're not friends.

Anyway, I tend to think that the "best friends" parents perhaps viewed the parenting role differently. I also don't think you should necessarily share the types of things with your kids that you would with an adult close friend. It might be different once your kids are also adults, but I just don't see how that works until your kids are at least in their mid 20s--and my oldest is only now 21.

Interested to hear the responses from others.

I was incredibly close to my dad my whole life and he used to say 'parents should be parents. they don't become your 'friend' until after they are grown'. There is a lot of wisdom in that. My dad and I always got along well, but a parent will lay down the rules when they need to. A parent won't be doing things just to stay 'chummy or likeable and cool--or be opening the house to parties with alcohol, or openly permissive about things they should be footing their foot down about.

I later became a co-worker and a really good friend to my dad . I cherish that time and I'm glad my parents could be strict when needed and set clear boundaries, even it if meant I hated them for doing that at the time.

[Anonymous]

My children are younger and definitely not my best friends, but I just took my 10 year old on a mother-daughter trip and it was SO fun and she’s really easy to travel with. I took a trip with my dad at 12 and my mom at 18 and both are still great memories as are some nice memories of just having dinner or hanging out with them. So yes, while the terminology makes me cringe, the idea of enjoying time with your tween / teen daughter is nice and maybe what they’re trying to express vs people who complain a lot about their children this age and have a lot of trouble with them.