"My daughter is my best friend" - Explain

[Anonymous]

I've had a few moms say this recently and I just don't understand what exactly this means. I didn't want to ask them on the spot, so I am asking you. How does one consider a teenager their best friend? Do you really share your life details with them like you would a girlfriend your own age and known for years which is my view of what makes a best friend or is it something else? How do you develop this relationship with them? My teenager is horribly prickly, distant, and has some mean girl tendencies that make it hard to like her most days and neither of us would consider each other a "best friend" right now. I don't know that I would ever see my daughter as a best friend even after we get out of these challenging years. I'll admit I do not have a great relationship with my mom and never really have. I don't know any of my friends growing up that thought their mom was their best friend even if they were really close, they were still mom/daughter. I have a closer relationship with my older son and feel the most comfortable being my authentic self around him, but still would never say he was my best friend. For those of you that this applies, can you help me understand?

[Anonymous]

I can't really help, sorry. I have two sons, and I am close to them. But ever since they were young and went through the "you're not my friend anymore" phase, I used to tell them I've never been their friend, I'm their mother. One is permanent, one is not. So now we laugh about it when I say something about being their friend--they always remind me that we're not friends.

Anyway, I tend to think that the "best friends" parents perhaps viewed the parenting role differently. I also don't think you should necessarily share the types of things with your kids that you would with an adult close friend. It might be different once your kids are also adults, but I just don't see how that works until your kids are at least in their mid 20s--and my oldest is only now 21.

Interested to hear the responses from others.

[Anonymous]

I think it is weird and unhealthy to feel that way. Maybe once you are both adults you can grow into more of a "best friend" type of relationship, but the moms I know who have daughters in their teems and are saying this have daughters who run the house, make poor choices and have no guidance because mom is too busy trying to be cook and likable.

[Anonymous]

Don't be so judgemental; it's not that deep.

[Anonymous]

That should say COOL and likable

[Anonymous]

Do they really mean it the way you define best friend? I jokingly say it my tween/teen daughters when they make me laugh (in a good way). But mostly, I agree with commenter #1 - I am their mother, not their friend.

[Anonymous]

I get a little uncomfortable with this idea. I LOVE my daughter. Sometimes we feel extremely close, and sometimes she completely ditches me in favor of her real best friends. I think that's how it's supposed to be. I hope we grow into an even closer relationship, but we are clear that I'm the mom and she's the kid.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

[Anonymous]

Unless the mom is observably strange in other ways (think Amy Poehler in Mean Girls), she probably just means that she loves her to death and finds her fun and interesting and is glad that her kid is still close with her and maintains an open line of communication.

[Anonymous]

My tween dd is turning out to be pretty good company. I wouldn't say she's my best friend but I can happily say that I enjoy her company on things like car rides, walks, shopping, running errands etc. I imagine it could all change when she becomes a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless the mom is observably strange in other ways (think Amy Poehler in Mean Girls), she probably just means that she loves her to death and finds her fun and interesting and is glad that her kid is still close with her and maintains an open line of communication.

+1 Don't know how long this will last, so I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can. Naturally she will pull away in some measure as she gets older, but hopefully I can still help her.

[Anonymous]

Probably means it's her preferred companion to talk and do things with.

But the families I know where the mom or daughter says this usually have problem relationships; the pronouncement is compensating for something.

[Anonymous]

Is the mom divorced? If so, she is likely leaning on her teen DD as a support system/girlfriend relationship. The teen could be parenting the parent in these situations. Seen it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

This is wonderfully said. Just back from a mother/Daughter trip with my college first year DD. The distinction between friend and mother when your daughter is a young adult is not that stark. I worry like a mother, but young adults don't like to be "mothered," so you have to respect their independence and park your judgement quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Once when I was kid - I asked my grandmother who her best friend was - and she said my mom. I still do think that was really nice.