"My daughter is my best friend" - Explain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

It is this exactly. Thank you for writing to eloquently what I was feeling.

[Anonymous]

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

YES. This is perfect. This is how I feel about my adult daughters, especially my youngest (DD24). She's the person I'm most comfortable with, even though I have wonderful friends. I can be my most authentic self only with my DH and kids (and birth family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

So just imagine it's the opposite. If your daughter had a very similar personality to you and loved hanging out with you and it was just easy and fun on both your parts. That's all the "best friend" mom is trying to convey.

+1.

It's weird the mom that's being judged has 3 daughters and only 1 is her "best friend". And also sounds like OP has a spicy, antagonistic relationship with her own daughter. Not uncommon, and hope for both their sakes it improves with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

So just imagine it's the opposite. If your daughter had a very similar personality to you and loved hanging out with you and it was just easy and fun on both your parts. That's all the "best friend" mom is trying to convey.

+1.

It's weird the mom that's being judged has 3 daughters and only 1 is her "best friend". And also sounds like OP has a spicy, antagonistic relationship with her own daughter. Not uncommon, and hope for both their sakes it improves with time.

Op here. The mom I was referencing in my original post seems to have a very codependent relationship with her one daughter. She also seems to have similar relationships with other close relatives outside her family unit which gets noticed. I get the closeness of the previous posters with their DDs and makes sense. As I said before I am closest to my older DS but still wouldn't consider him my BF though even though I think we fall into many of the described relationships above. I am not judging the mom I am referring to, but rather trying to understand what she meant. She was so exerburent about it, it was a little uncomfortable, but also made me wonder about if what I am experiencing is typical or not.

I like your description as "spicy". That is a perfect description. My DD wants to be told she is right about everything, wants zero advice, no chores or accountability, and wants to dictate to me how things are going to go. I don't roll like that. One typical example, she is having a serious disagreement with a friend. I validate her feelings, but also warn her to not be so rigid with the friend and work through it, talk it out, listen to the friend. DD just wants me to tell her she's right and gets mad. DD wants to "right" fight instead of getting friend to attend a planned outing which is self defeating. I tell her it's my job to help her navigate some of these things as I've already been thru stuff like this and made mistakes that I wish someone would have helped me navigate better and it's not always about being right. Doesn't matter, she is still angry and storms off. I can't win. Do I sit in silence and watch her blow up things in her life over and over so I just don't anger her. Seems ridiculous. But if I say anything not at all what she wants to hear, it's drama. That's prob a whole separate post.

[Anonymous]

This was my mother in law with my DH. She's not nearly as bad as when we first started dating but yeah, she was totally co-dependent on DH when he was little.

I love my DD more than anything, but it's 100% mom first and friend second. There needs to be that boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

I get it, op. What makes me even more sad is that up until this year (8th grade) dd and I WERE close and liked spending time together. I don’t know what changed. I’m hoping it’s a faze and she’ll come out of it as she matures. So I just keep being available, but do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That should say COOL and likable

It does not.

I feel this way about my DD. She's a teenager and we are close. Our relationship is honest, open, and generally good. But, I'm very strict about grades and doing what she has committed to doing. I give her consequences, where needed. We don't drink together, smoke, etc.

I know saying things like you have may make you feel better about your own mediocre relationship with your daughter or child, but that's a you problem. Your judge-y post is far from accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses.
One mom I was talking to was just gushing about her middle daughter, she's her "whole heart", loves hanging out with her and is "legitimately her best friend". I get the closeness of some mother/daughter pairs but to go to the extent of saying her 16 year old is her for real best friend, seems.... one step too far into being weirdly codependent.

I feel sad that that my daughter wants nothing to do with me outside of doing parenting things for her. We are totally different personalities and it makes hanging out with each other difficult. We approach enjoyment of things very differently and she likes to jump on me for any slight infraction of her "rules" and will hold a grudge about it forever. Even though my son and I butted heads in the typical ways, I knew he still loved/liked me. Daughter....not sure she would put me out if I was on fire most days.

So just imagine it's the opposite. If your daughter had a very similar personality to you and loved hanging out with you and it was just easy and fun on both your parts. That's all the "best friend" mom is trying to convey.

+1.

It's weird the mom that's being judged has 3 daughters and only 1 is her "best friend". And also sounds like OP has a spicy, antagonistic relationship with her own daughter. Not uncommon, and hope for both their sakes it improves with time.

Op here. The mom I was referencing in my original post seems to have a very codependent relationship with her one daughter. She also seems to have similar relationships with other close relatives outside her family unit which gets noticed. I get the closeness of the previous posters with their DDs and makes sense. As I said before I am closest to my older DS but still wouldn't consider him my BF though even though I think we fall into many of the described relationships above. I am not judging the mom I am referring to, but rather trying to understand what she meant. She was so exerburent about it, it was a little uncomfortable, but also made me wonder about if what I am experiencing is typical or not.

I like your description as "spicy". That is a perfect description. My DD wants to be told she is right about everything, wants zero advice, no chores or accountability, and wants to dictate to me how things are going to go. I don't roll like that. One typical example, she is having a serious disagreement with a friend. I validate her feelings, but also warn her to not be so rigid with the friend and work through it, talk it out, listen to the friend. DD just wants me to tell her she's right and gets mad. DD wants to "right" fight instead of getting friend to attend a planned outing which is self defeating. I tell her it's my job to help her navigate some of these things as I've already been thru stuff like this and made mistakes that I wish someone would have helped me navigate better and it's not always about being right. Doesn't matter, she is still angry and storms off. I can't win. Do I sit in silence and watch her blow up things in her life over and over so I just don't anger her. Seems ridiculous. But if I say anything not at all what she wants to hear, it's drama. That's prob a whole separate post.

Again. A you problem. My DD is "spicy", "Sassy" or however you want to describe it. She pushes back. We are still close. I don't tell her things she wants to hear. And sometimes we need a time-out from one another, as is the case with everyone. But, she is still probably the "best friend" I have. I'm sorry that's not convenient for you to hear.

[Anonymous]

Ah so the troll moms finally came out from under the rock to throw snark. Glad to see you. If you are falling over yourself to publicly proclaim your daughter is your bestest friend in the whole world we are all looking at you with a side eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when people say this they really are talking about some inappropriate friend relationship with their kids where they have not established healthy boundaries and do share to much with their kids and it's going to come back and bite them.

But the vast majority of the time it just means this:

My DD is a really great person and I love spending time with her, and this has only increased as she has gotten older. I'm still her mom and she's still my daughter and no, I'm not confiding in her about my personal life or my marriage or something because that would be weird and inappropriate and unhealthy for both of us. I also recognize how much of my role is still to model good behavior for her and also provide guidance and support for her in her own life as she inches closer to adulthood. I'm still a parent and neither of us is confused about that.

But if it's Saturday and I'm going to a movie or to try on sandals at the mall or heading to a cafe to read for a bit, I'd rather go with my DD (assuming she's interested, which she usually is, and doesn't have plans or things she needs to do) than with any of my adult friends. I love them too but I don't enjoy their company quite as much as DD's. She's my favorite. Our relationship isn't a traditional "best friend" relationship because we are mother and daughter, but we are very close and love hanging out and if that's not a best friend what is? I can still be a good mom and have good boundaries while also recognizing that ours is the closest and most important non-romantic relationship in my life.

Awww, you sound very nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah so the troll moms finally came out from under the rock to throw snark. Glad to see you. If you are falling over yourself to publicly proclaim your daughter is your bestest friend in the whole world we are all looking at you with a side eye.

I don't care what you think. Win-win for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s some old movie that one of the characters said, “if your daughter is you best friend, your kid has a child for a parent”.

+1. And your best friend is an old lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had a few moms say this recently and I just don't understand what exactly this means. I didn't want to ask them on the spot, so I am asking you. How does one consider a teenager their best friend? Do you really share your life details with them like you would a girlfriend your own age and known for years which is my view of what makes a best friend or is it something else? How do you develop this relationship with them? My teenager is horribly prickly, distant, and has some mean girl tendencies that make it hard to like her most days and neither of us would consider each other a "best friend" right now. I don't know that I would ever see my daughter as a best friend even after we get out of these challenging years. I'll admit I do not have a great relationship with my mom and never really have. I don't know any of my friends growing up that thought their mom was their best friend even if they were really close, they were still mom/daughter. I have a closer relationship with my older son and feel the most comfortable being my authentic self around him, but still would never say he was my best friend. For those of you that this applies, can you help me understand?

The only thing you need to understand is that the mom saying "my daughter is my best friend" is not a very good mom so when she says something like that to you, just let it go. Be polite but know that you're talking to a bad parent who doesn't understand her role. When the daughter is an adult in her 30s or 40s, then perhaps I would accept that statement but a woman with a daughter in her teens should not in any way be feeling like her daughter is her best friend.

I am ignoring all the other stuff you're saying about your daughter because I cannot say the same things about mine. I like them as well as love them and they definitely don't have mean girl tendencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s some old movie that one of the characters said, “if your daughter is you best friend, your kid has a child for a parent”.

x1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah so the troll moms finally came out from under the rock to throw snark. Glad to see you. If you are falling over yourself to publicly proclaim your daughter is your bestest friend in the whole world we are all looking at you with a side eye.

I don't care what you think. Win-win for both of us.

+1

Words like "best friend" mean different things to different people. It truly should not matter to you how another mom describes her relationship with her daughter. It doesn't concern you.